Trials and Tribulations

Out With the Old and In With the New...

2010-01-03T11:48:00.003-05:00

"And he spake also a parable unto them; No man putteth a piece of a new garment upon an old; if otherwise, then both the new maketh a rent, and the piece that was taken out of the new agreeth not with the old. And no man putteth new wine into old bottles; else the new wine will burst the bottles, and be spilled, and the bottles shall perish. But new wine must be put into new bottles; and both are preserved. No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better." (Luke 5:36-39)

It was in church this morning when we discussed the above passage which focused on the theme, "Out with the old and in with the new." How can we expect to move forward toward the future if we keep looking back and holding on to what's in the past? How can we expect positive change when we continue to hold on to all of the negative things in our lives? I found this morning's message to be particularly inspiring because it only confirmed the promise I had made to myself as I brought in the new year-- to leave everything in 2009 back in 2009. This is a new year...a new decade...and I am embracing a no baggage policy. The past is the past.

I can't tell you how many times I've come across people who claim that "2010 will be the year that I get rid of all the negative people, drama, and situations in my life". I can even admit that I've made that claim for myself in the past. There's nothing wrong with making that promise to yourself...after all, we must learn to speak things into existence. However, I find it funny that the same people who make these claims are the same ones I see making these claims every other week. There's always some kind of problem or something going wrong...always someone in their life that they need to cut out...always someone doing them wrong or treating them a certain unfavorable way. It gets to the point where it's like...is it really "other people" that are causing all the drama and pain in your life? At some point you need to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, is it you? Why is it that you continue to attract all these negative people in your life...people that use you, cheat on you, and do you dirty? Why is it that people don't take you seriously about what you say or do? What we all need to realize is that we can't always place the blame on someone else for our problems-- sometimes WE are the problem, and it is up to US to change what it is that we don't like. As my pastor questioned, how can we expect positive things to happen in our lives if we don't change ourselves and our negative ways? Why is it that we expect everyone and everything around us to change, but don't feel as though we ourselves should change? And most importantly, how can we ask one to pray for us if we don't even pray for ourselves?

In 2010 I do plan on ridding myself of negative people and situations that are hindering me from where I am trying to go...that are only trying to one up and pull from me as opposed to growing with me...but I also know that for me to expect my future to change, I must change some things about me as well. I must change my attitude, change my actions, and change what I will/will not accept in my life. I know that I must learn from my prior situations and not allow myself to make the same mistakes that got me into those situations in the first place. We've heard it said before in several different ways: Attitude = Actions. Instead of constanly asking, "Why me?" we need to realize that the energies we put out will be the same energies we receive:

If you walk around scantily dressed, best believe the people you attract are only going to be interested in getting physical with you.

If you go around flaunting your money and all the material things that you have, best believe you will attract people who are only around you to benefit from your money and those material things.

If you have no problems messing around with men/women who are married or in relationships, then best believe the next man/woman in your life who you care about will cheat on you.

If you walk around with a negative attitude toward work or working in general, best believe it won't be long before you lose your job...and until you change that attitude, you're going to have one heck of a time trying to find a good new job.

If you continue to abuse drugs and alcohol, best believe your health, bank account, and overall status will deteriorate.

If you have no problems disrespecting others-- your family, friends, superiors, etc.-- then best believe others will grow to disrespect you.

If you walk around constantly angry and bitter about the way things are going in your life, then best believe you will continue to run into people and situations who are going to continue making you angry and bitter. Why? Because you expecting a positive change without putting in the positive attitude that is necessary to receive that change.

The list goes on, but the lesson to be learned is, if there is something unfavorable present in your life, LET IT GO. It is the only way that you can successfully bring in new and positive things into your life. Two negative things simply cannot occupy the same space with creating adverse effects. If you are not willing to change the negative attributes that you possess, how can you expect to receive positive outcomes? You reap what you sow, so if you don't like something, change it. Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The solution to that problem? Change. We are not trees who are forced to stand in one place for the rest of our lives. "Out with the old and in with the new"-- let's embrace positive change for the new decade. The rest...leave it behind!

Natural Woman Part II: 3 1/2 years Later...

2009-10-27T22:35:00.013-04:00

It was April 6, 2006 when I wrote the blog titled "Natural Woman", marking the beginning of my journey to letting go of my hair relaxer and becoming 100% chemical free. I was two months in at that point-- hadn't had a perm since February 4, 2006. Now here I am, well over 3 1/2 years later, STILL chemical free, and loving it! One year after posting that entry, I cut the perm out of my hair completely. My new growth was about 3-4 inches long at that point, and I finally felt comfortable enough to cut my hair and rock a short 'do, without the permed ends attached. I was nervous-- nervous about what I'd look like, and whether I'd actually be able to manage my hair on my own once it came time to wash it. After all, I'd been permed since I was very young-- I had no idea what how my natural texture would turn out. Would it be tight and kinky? Would it be fine and curly? Would it be manageable, or would it be a complete nightmare? In a nutshell, I can say that I've learned the following about my hair (and natural hair in general) over the past few years:

My hair is NOT one texture. the top part of my hair grows in straight...the right side and middle grows in coarse and coily, and the left side and back grows in fine and curly (and not to mention twice as fast). How does that happen? LOL.

Having natural hair does NOT protect it from heat. Yes, it can handle a little more stress without chemicals to add to the damage, but I am far from being protected from split ends or damage! Ask me how many times I've had to cut my hair from damaged ends...

The products you use really do make a difference. While some products act as my best friend and give me the look I'm going for, others will make my hair turn completely against me, leaving me to look like a hot mess...LOL. Still looking for recommendations, by the way, so if you have some, please share!

Natural hair really is an issue among people! I never knew just how much attention I'd draw just for a decision I made about my hair...a decision that I believed affected nobody but me.

Since being natural, I've received both positive and negative comments from both men and women, whites and blacks. Most find it amazing and beautiful. I've been asked all about my journey, been ask for opinions, and have had people run to me in excitement just to say that they've made the decision to "go natural too" (even if they really hadn't, or had eventually given in while doing so...LOL). However, I also get the occasional negative comment from those who don't understand why I can't just "get a perm", or why I would choose to go natural and thus walk around with a "nappy head". Sadly, I find that most of the negative comments I've received have been from black men. I've had one in particular proceed to tell me that my hair looked "terrible" in its natural state. This same person also referred to my head as another deragatory term that I refuse to repeat, simply because it displays nothing but pure ignorance (and this is the same person who chooses to throw a texturizer in his hair to make his God-given hair look "better" than what it is...something that his mother also used to do for him when he was younger). We could go into where these negative problems and statements are rooted, but that is a topic for another blog. But whether positive or negative, I've found each and every comment as motivation and inspiration to stay natural. The positive comments make me realize that I'm not alone, and that there are people who use me as their inspiration...the negative comments only make me feel that much more empowered simply because I am able to overcome the stresses that society has put on us to conform to a certain "acceptable" standard and thus spend way too much time and energy on our hair.

Have I gotten frustrated with my hair since going natural? Of course I have. On the days where I choose to straighten my hair, I have to worry about sweating my hair out in the club or gym, or having my hair slowly start to expand on days where there's the tiniest bit of moisture outside. Those times are never good-- not only do I look a hot mess, but I've also wasted whatever amount of time that I spent straightening it. On the days that I do wear my hair in its natural state, I get frustrated on the "bad hair days" where looks and feels like a dry Brillo pad as opposed to the soft, curly 'fro I was going for. I get frustrated knowing that every morning, I have to get in the shower and wet my hair just to get my hair to cooperate. When it comes to natural hair in general, there's always gotta be a plan. Want to wash your hair? Gotta have a plan for what's going to be done to it afterwards. Want to go on vacation? Gotta have a plan for what you are going to do with your hair while there, especially if you want to participate in any water-related activities. I'll be honest-- it's been tempting at times to throw a perm in my hair, simply so I won't have to spend as much time making sure it's neat. But it's when I look back at my pictures of when I was permed and viewing how thin and lifeless it was, or just remembering the amount of time and money I would spend in the salon just to put some smelly, burning "permanent" chemical in my hair that reminds me of exactly why I decided to go natural in the first place.

So now that I've given my update, I want to hear from my male and female readers on their thoughts of natural hair. To the women who are thinking about going natural-- what is it that is making you want to go natural? What is stopping you? To the women who are already natural or are in the process of going natural-- how is/was your journey? What frustrations have you had? What have you enjoyed the most about it? To the MEN-- what do you truly think about women with natural hair? Do you like it/dislike it? What are you reasons for liking/disliking it?

Natural hair is still a big topic/issue among ethnic women, and has recently been becoming even bigger. Everywhere I turn, women are asking me advice about my journey in an attempt to go natural themselves. There are websites everywhere whose primary purpose is to empower and encourage natural women. As discussed in a recent interview on Oprah, Solange (a/k/a "Beyonce's Sister") recently made "The Big Chop" to her hair in an attempt to let go of all the obsessions she had over hair and the stresses she was putting on her hair with the weaves and relaxers. Chris Rock even made a movie about black women's hair, titled "Good Hair", which explores natural hair, weaves, and relaxers, also known as the "creamy crack". But through all the frustrations, negative comments, pros, and cons, that I've encountered through my natural hair journey, I must say that I still LOVE being natural and have no plans on ever going back to a perm. I know that my journey continues, and with each day that passes I still learn more about my hair, and I have much more to learn in the future. Just as I did in 2006, I still encourage every woman to let go of the perms and go natural, and now more than before encourage men to do their research and learn to embrace and encourage it as well.

I Wish I Could Be Your Friend (freewrite)

2009-07-20T23:33:00.004-04:00

I wish I could be your friend
I wish I could listen to the stories you tell me about her
...how she makes you happy
...how she makes you sad
...how she's everything you've ever wanted in a woman
But every time I try, I feel the pain of knowing that "she" isn't me

I force a smile...I try to be happy for you
Yet every time I think of you with her, I feel nothing but resentment
I struggle to hold back tears...I try to forget you
But the more I try to forget, the more I remember all the times we shared
...the times you made me laugh, the times you made me cry...
The times that the only thing I could manage to say was "Damn"

I wish I could be your friend
I wish I had the ability to share a platonic love
...to talk to you without wanting to see you
...to see you without wanting to kiss and hug you
...to hug you without wanting to lay next to you
But every time I try, I think about what we once had and how good you once had me feeling

Sometimes I feel as though I'm okay with it all
I feel as though I'm finally ready to let go and move on with my life
"You go back to her and I'll go back to black" as Amy Winehouse once said
But then there's always something to remind me of you...of me and you
...the times we spent together, the conversations we had...
The nights I would lay next to you, running my fingers across your skin

I wish I could be your friend
I wish I could continue to stand by your side
...look into your eyes without getting lost
...hear your voice without getting butterflies
...touch your skin without getting nostalgia
But every time I see you, my feelings rush back faster than she turned your head back in her direction

More than friends we were, but not quite...or maybe not at all
You were here one day but gone the next...changed without warning
My heart still stings from the hurtful things you said as soon as she came back
But then I begin to think about the things you said when it was just me
...you had me fooled, had me feeling like you really cared...
You've stolen my heart...captivated my mind-- and I'm having trouble letting go

I wish I could be your friend
I wish I could tell you that I'll be here for you no matter what
...if you ever need anything, I'll be here
...if you ever need to talk, I'll be here
...if she ever does you wrong or leaves you, I'll be here
But I can't be your friend, because it hurts too bad to know I'd be just that: a friend...

Birds of a Feather Flock Together

2009-07-13T11:58:00.003-04:00

We've always been told to "watch the company you keep, because it will ultimately affect the person we become". When we were young, our parents would try to keep us away from certain friends because they were "bad influences". We didn't quite understand it then, but as we grew older, we began to see that people would judge our character based on the actions of those that we kept closest to us.

There was a time that I didn't believe in the statement that "birds of a feather flock together" and that what those around me did had nothing to do with me. To a certain extent I still believe this statement, because we are in fact responsible for our own actions. However, I know that we ARE directly influenced by our environment, and that if constantly exposed to a situation or certain actions, eventually we will begin to unconsciously put ourselves into the same situations and make the same actions.

I can admit that I've seen the above in my own life-- in both high school and in college (and even so far back as middle school), I've had people accuse me of certain actions that were completely untrue, but yet they believed so because of the friends that I kept around me who had made those actions. I've gotten myself into certain unfavorable situations because I was influenced and/or encouraged by those who I kept around me. Now I'm not placing all of the blame on those individuals because like I said, at the end of the day I am responsible for my own actions, but the truth stands that if I had initially surrounded myself by more positive individuals, I likely would not have been exposed to those situations in the first place. With this being said, I now I make it a point to try and keep only those friends who possess the qualities that I want within myself-- positive attitude, respectful of oneself and others, focused on success, etc.

Our reputation is the most important thing we possess-- it affects what people think of us, and ultimately the person that we become. So if part of acheiving a favorable reputation is to watch the company you keep, how exactly do we rid oneself of those "friends" who are negative influences? I asked a friend of mine this question and his response was, "slow, but deliberate"-- but what about those friends who have been there for years, who have helped us through both the good and bad times? How do we just cut someone off and remove them from our lives for the sake of our own reputation?

Dealing with the Past: Love It, or Leave It Alone?

2009-06-18T15:31:00.008-04:00

We hear it everywhere: "The past is the past..." In songs, famous quotes, and general advice, we are advised to leave the past exactly where it belongs--in the past. But is this the case for everything that's occured in the past, or is it situational? How far back should one relate one's past to one's future? In terms of failed friendships and/or relationships, is it ever safe to revisit the past, or are we merely setting ourselves up to get the same person, and thus the same result?

I've had quite a few run-ins with the past as of lately. I've been lectured and upbraided about my past behaviors and actions, I've had men in my life move on to rekindle flames with ex-girlfriends, and I've had ex-boyfriends attempt to rekindle flames with me. Each situation is different, and in each situation I've been given different, contradictory opinions about how to handle the past; this thus leads me to believe that there is no correct way to handle the past, and that the way each should handle it is simply situational.

I've been told that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior", thus making it completely acceptable for one to judge another based on their past. For example, all over the place, men and women make decisions on whether we want to pursue a friendship or a relationship with someone based off of what they've seen or been told that person has acted like or how they have treated others in their past friendships/relationships. However, by doing so, are we being smart, or are we simply cheating ourselves and that person of an opportunity to show who they are and to have their trust earned (see previous blog, The Power of Opinion)?

Everyone is capable of change-- they just have to want it enough to implement it within themselves. Those who have displayed unfavorable behaviors in the past, whether it be cheating, succombing to addictions (of
any kind), social backstabbing, or even committing a serious crime, all have the opportunity to change and turn themselves around when they are ready. So, by immediately writing this person off because of their past before you get a chance to know them yourself, you just may be ridding yourself of someone who could have positively changed your life.

I was having a conversation with a friend recently and we both agreed that no one should be judged based on anything that happened before they met the person who wishes to judge them. After all, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes at some point or another. The only thing that really matters is the experience that YOU have with them. So, with that being said, is it really fair to judge one based on their past mistakes or behaviors, even if they have made an honest attempt to change (whether successful or not)? Is it really ever possible to get past one's past?

Now on the other hand, when it comes to rekindling old flames, "the past" becomes a completely different story. I'm sure most of us have been in a situation where we let somebody go or been let go, only to be confronted with that person again in the future. You start to remember the good times you've had as well as the bad, but ultimately find yourself wondering if the "spark" is still there-- if there is ever a chance for you guys to get back together and this time around, make things work. But by digging back into the past, are we simply making a mistake? What makes us think things will be any different than they were last time around?

When it comes to relationships, men/women come and go. Some committed relationships end because of cheating (see blog Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater). Some physical relationships never quite become concrete, but continue to linger on and off until becoming completely burnt out. Some relationships just have individuals that choose to go their separate ways because of differing interests and goals. Whatever the reason, is it ever safe to start things back up again in the future once they have been left in the past? People grow and people change...but will the dynamics between those two individuals ever really change? I quoted singer Mya before in my January 2006 blog The Ex-Files: "There's no need to reminisce about the
past...obviously 'cause that shit did not last." But are some relationships worth a second chance? Is is possible that the person has actually learned from their mistake and is able to make things work the next time around?

Like a good friend of mine told me, "the past is the past for a reason..." So at what point (if any) is it appropriate to leave the past behind and move on? Or, does the past really predict our futures? As mentioned above, by discarding someone that first or second chance, you just may be ridding yourself of someone who could have positively changed your life. But on the contrary, by giving that person that chance, you could also be setting yourself up to get burned...possibly again. You can't move forward if you're constantly looking back, right? So which way do we go?

The Power of Opinion

2009-06-16T23:22:00.004-04:00

I think it's amazing just how much opinions influence life. A movie critic's opinion can persuade one to either go see or avoid seeing a movie. A an author's opinion can lead one to live their life by the personal opinion that they read in that book. An individual's opinion can lead another to think of something or even someone in either a negative or positive way, thus completely distorting the mindset of another and causing them to judge before they experience on their own. It's the latter type of opinion that I choose to focus on tonight-- the power of an individual's opinion over another in terms of getting to know a third party.

We've all been told never to judge a book by its cover. I've had people tell me things about the men and women in my life that were unfavorable, but never once did I let that person's opinion destroy my view of that person. Why? Because I believed it was unfair to the person being talked about for me to judge them based off of what someone else told me as opposed to me getting to know them myself and finding out on my own. I figure that a person's opinion should be an explanation of one person's personal experience, but not necessarily the basis for a second person's future actions. If I ended up getting burned like I was told, then hey, lesson learned. But I still felt good in my heart that I did not let someone else's negative opinion persuade me to write that person off before I got to know them myself. After all, you never know what each person in your life is put there for.

Similarly, I've had others say negative things about me that have caused people to look at me differently, say or call me dirty things, and even be so bad as to avoid me all together in terms of developing both friendships and relationships. And why do they choose to avoid getting to know me themselves? Yup, you've got it-- because they are too afraid of what another person's opinion will become of them. I sometimes find it humorous, especially when a particular person's opinion is in all actuality a blatant LIE, but yet they still somehow managed to have the power over another person's mindset and views, completely cheating someone of the opportunity to show their own personality and true colors, and cheating the other person of the opportunity to get to know what could possibly be a great person who could change their lives.

All over the place you have people giving you their two cents or "giving advice" as many like to call it, and then following it up with, "...but that's just my opinion." At the end of the day, everyone has their opinion about something...but as individuals who are only trying to make the best choices for themselves in life, how do we decide which opinions are important versus those that are unimportant? How do we distinguish one's opinion being just that-- an innocent opinion, versus one that's just someone "hating"? How can we really validate anyone's opinion if we have not taken the time to go through the experience on our own? Why is it that other people's opinions and what they think so damn important to us? Is it impossible to pursue one's own happiness without considering the input of another?

Men, Women, and the Ability to Move On

2009-04-18T01:30:00.003-04:00

I've never quite understood why it's always so easy for a man to walk away from a relationship, yet so hard for us. Some think that it's because women dive into situations with their feelings and emotions head first while men take months or even years to express those feelings and emotions, or even realize that they have them. Some think that it's because he never really cared about that particular woman in the first place. But regardless of whether it's one of those reasons or the other, my question is, why is it so easy for men to completely disregard the feelings of us women anyway? Why is it so easy for them to just completely throw away something after having put a given amount of time into it?

I write my blogs only when inspired. As the title of my blog states, I write about my trials, my tribulations, and my life-- whether it be something that has affected me directly, or something that I see affecting someone that I care about. My last blog entry was inspired by both: by how I currently feel, and from what I've been witnessing lately, is the way a lot of women feel. It all boils down to one thing-- how we are being and how we have been treated by men, and how we always seem to be the only ones left picking up the pieces and struggling to move on. Now this blog isn't meant to be a male-bashing entry or anything of the sort, but this one is solely for the ladies to relate to and for you fellas to comment on. All we want to know is, why is it so easy for you to act the way you do? To live life every day, acting as if you don't care (and we know you do...you're just better at concealing it) and that feelings are never an issue? To jump from woman to woman, claiming that you are "emotionally unavailable" and unwilling to love? To take full advantage of a woman's feelings for you and use them for your own personal and physical benefit? To be here one day, and gone the next? Why is all of it okay to you? What about us? What about our thoughts...our feelings...our hearts?

Putting myself out there for a moment: I've been in situations where I've spent days, weeks, or even months crying my eyes out over a guy who had just randomly walked out of my life, while he seemed to move on the following day (if not immediately), never look back, and be just fine. I didn't understand it, but eventually learned to accept the fact that it wasn't meant to be, and that he apparently just wasn't into me as much as I was him. But one situation in particular I found (and still do find) extremely difficult to understand. Me and this guy started out just friends...hanging out, going on "dates", and having fun. After a few months, things got a little more intimate, and although we had not established a relationship, we remained cool. But eventually things took a turn for the worst. We went through many "on and off" periods where we would talk, then don't talk. Ultimately things turned ugly, with the end result being him completely turning his back on me and ending up in a relationship with someone else. It hurt like hell, and I will never forget that day. But I finally came to terms with myself and thought, okay fine. Him and I aren't meant to be...they obviously are. But even if him and I did not work out from a relationship standpoint, what happened to the friendship we had developed? What happened to all of the talks we had...the good times we shared...the laughing, and joking...the times I was there for him and him for me? Was he really just going to throw it out the window and proceed to treat me like a complete stranger? Well, he did...and did so without any regret or remorse. The almost 2-year friendship I THOUGHT we had built was gone, just like that. It's been months since we've spoken so much as one word to each other, and that alone hurt me more than him breaking my heart. I will NEVER understand Why it had to end that way. I mean, I knew he loved her, but did our friendship really mean nothing for him to just let it all go so easily?

I know that us women are to blame for a lot of what we put ourselves through-- we often have the inability to see the truth when it's right in front of us, we have the constant tendency to only hear what we want to hear and twist everything men do and say to fit to our liking and what we want to hear, and we also have the tendency to hold onto a failing or failed relationship, with the hope that we can somehow convince him that we are "the one". We are wired completely differently when it comes down to love and relationships. But regardless of our emotional differences, we all have feelings. Yes, we know you guys have feelings too-- so why is it a sin to express those feelings and love back? You know that us women love hard, have delicate feelings, and want to do nothing but give you the deepest of our love and affection. So why is that so hard to reciprocate if you know you feel the same way? For those who don't feel the same way, why is it so hard for you at least understand what we go through and try to respect those feelings as you part ways?

What goes around comes around, so next time you're walking away from a situation in a woman, why not ask yourself, how would you feel if a woman you cared about-- truly cared about-- just picked up and walked away, showing no remorse or paying no mind to everything you thought you had built?

The Strength of a Woman's Heart

2009-04-17T00:34:00.004-04:00

A strong woman's heart...

...gives her the strength to laugh when all she really wants to do is cry.

...gives her the strength to continue to wipe away the tears, although she knows she will cry many more.

...gives her the strength to be happy when her friends are in relationships and getting engaged or married, but yet her own love life is in shambles.

...gives her the strength to offer relationship advice although she is currently suffering the consequences of the inability to follow her own advice.

...gives her the strength to continue to love hard through the cheating, lies, and games, although she knows she deserves more.

...gives her the strength to eventually learn and decipher the game, and prevent herself from ever falling victim again.

...gives her the strength to wake up and realize her own self-worth through all the mental, emotional, and physical disrespect and abuse.

...gives her the strength to learn from her mistakes and prevent them from happening again.

...gives her the strength to tell herself that it'll be okay, even though it's over.

...gives her the strength to accept when things just aren't meant to be, although she doesn't necessarily understand or agree.

...gives her the strength to keep a smile on her face throughout the day, although on the inside she is suffering a broken heart.

...gives her the strength to believe that there is someone out there for her, even though she's been forced to endure and part with more than enough bad relationships and situations.

...gives her the strength to endure many trials, tribulations, and hardships, yet have her sanity remain intact.

...gives her the strength to pick up and reconstruct the pieces of her heart once they've been broken.

...gives her the strength move on and love another day.

...gives her the strength to do it all over and over again, until she finally finds the true love she knows she deserves.

Walk Away

2009-02-18T11:11:00.002-05:00

While on the way to work today, I was listening to one of my favorite songs from Christina Aguilera's Stripped album, Walk Away (lyrics included below). While this song reminded me of a time where the lyrics spoke word for word how I felt (I would literally play this song over and over...it was just that deep), in light of the whole Chris Brown and Rihanna situation (which has sparked several forums and conversations about abusive relationships and the sort), I also thought about how many of us are in this situation today-- in a toxic and abusive relationship that we can't get out of. I not only thought about abusive relationships between men and women, but toxic friendships in general-- friendships with those people who we know are no good for us, but yet we can't seem to walk away from them.

I've been in both situations on more than one occasion, and while I am thankful that I've never been in a physically abusive relationship (I'll be damned-- I will fight to my death before I ever allow someone to put their hands on me the wrong way), I can now recognize that I've been in both verbally and emotionally abusive relationships-- you know, the ones that tear you apart and break you down to your knees simply because of the words someone has spoken to you, or because of the way that they've made you feel. The ones that put you on an emotional rollercoaster and are so damaging at times that they leave you questioning at the end of the day who you are.

There were a couple of people in particular that I was involved with from a relationship standpoint that I found it extremely hard to walk away from (my prior blogs speak on some of these situations). They would walk all over me, use me only to fulfill their physical needs, treat me like crap, and talk to me like I was a nobody...but at the end of the day they always knew that they could continue coming back with the same behavior because I would accept it. They knew that no matter how many tears I cried, or how many times that I screamed "I hate you" and that I never wanted to talk to them again, all it took for them was to say or do one thing, and I was in their arms again. I wasn't until my absolute breaking point that I was able to walk away from those individuals. I would say that it was because I realized I was worth more, but was that really the case? If it were, why was it so easy for me to fall back into that situation after the first individual who treated me that way? However, I guess I can say that I have grown stronger and have realized my worth even more in some respects because I've had run-ins with those individuals in the past, and it feels so good to know that they no longer have me wrapped around their fingers (don't know how they ever did). I am now able to stand up for myself and my feelings, and because of this, they are no longer a part of my life.

Then there are the toxic friendships that I've dealt with and am still having trouble dealing with to this day. I'm talking about the friendships that take you in a direction opposite of where you know you want to be. Those friends are negative influences on your life, they bring you down, and you often have to question if they're even your friends. You're constanly fighting and making up, you talk behind each other's backs, you question your ability to trust them, and you question their motives for everything that they do. But yet you still have the desire to be around them...to show them that you're a good person and would do anything for them...to fight for your friendship. But why? They've obviously displayed to you that they are not friendworthy...so why are you so concerned with being their friend? Again, there are two key friendships in my life that I think of when I think of toxic friendships. In both situations I feel as though I went out of my way to show them what kind of person I was, how much I truly cared, and how much I was willing to put into our friendship...but at the end of the day, I couldn't say the same about them. I'll never forget the words that an old friend told me, "With each person you claim to be your 'friend', ask yourself, at the end of the day, what would they be willing to do for you?" Sad to say, in both of those situations, I draw a blank when I attempt to answer that question. With that being said, I should've walked away from both of those "friendships", but yet I chose to hold on, hoping that things would change. I would hope that they would somehow see their faults in the situation and attempt to make things right, but when it was all said and done, I was the only one questioning myself and wondering what I did wrong, and then coming up with a way to apologize for their faults and reconcile when things turned sour. And this would happen on multiple occasions. Toxic.

I know one source of my weakness for toxic relationships is my big heart. I absolutely HATE being on bad terms with people. It seriously leaves a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I get into an argument with someone that is close to me, and it takes a LOT for me to completely cut someone off. Even then I still think about them and how much I miss the way things were. Life is short, and we know that tomorrow is not promised for any of us...so why waste time fighting when we should be loving as hard as we can? While I know it's best that some people aren't a part of my life and don't deserve my friendship or love, I also know that I don't like leaving a situation with backs turned to one another. While I may be okay with it at first, it's not long before I start to think, if something were to happen to either of us and God takes us from this Earth tomorrow, would I be happy with the way things ended?

So what makes it so hard for us to walk away from situations like this? Maybe it's because we become too comfortable with a situation and a person. Living that life has become the norm for us, so making a change and eliminating them from our lives would just throw off the balance of things, no matter how much it may be the best decision in the long run. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue. We don't love ourselves enough, so we cling on to someone that we THINK we love, and who loves us, giving ourselves the false belief that things will change...that someday that person will see you for who you are and realize what they have. Maybe its just pure ignorance and unawareness. We don't know what the real deal is and that we are in fact hurting ourselves more than helping, and setting ourselves up for nothing but pain and heart break at the end of the day. Maybe we're just trying to fill a void. We know that there's some kind of emptiness there, so we go out of our way to fill it, not looking or thinking about what we're filling that void with. However, what we need to realize is that not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Some are meant to pass through briefly to teach you a lesson, but they're not meant to stay. So why do we hold on? Why can't we just walk away?

Lyrics from Christina Aguilera's Walk Away:

What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?

I was naive
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
'Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
'Cause I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya
Need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away...

I should have known
That I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke
It was all an illusion
Now I've been licking my wounds
But the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce
But darlin' you hold me prisoner

I'm about to break
I can’t stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to a mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya
Need to walk away from ya

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered in despair...it's never over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare
I let out a silent prayer...let it be over
Inside I'm screaming
Begging, pleading...no more

Now what to do
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each beat reminds me of you...

Musical Therapy (freewrite)

2009-02-18T00:58:00.010-05:00

The sun hasn't shined today at all
A funny thing...you haven't called
Tell me why?
Or should I be asking, how should I respond to it all?
Times were good...I wish you were around more
I can feel you at my door
But it's not you...it's someone else
What can I do? What did we do?

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

You tell me you've made up your mind
I'm not gonna cry
It wouldn't be the first time
See I deserved it
It's my own heart that hurts me
I'mma brand myself the fool
'Cause I fell in love with you

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

I try to turn it off
But it's hard to see
Through this emptiness
Slowly breaking me
Baby hurt me just a little less
Then I can start to breathe
But still your heart is out of reach...

I should have known
It was right in front of me
Screaming "Girl, JUST WALK AWAY...see, it can't ever be."
We carried on making our mistakes
I was thinking love was free
But now you've taken part of me...

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

-Joss Stone, What Were We Thinking

Music is my therapy-- my second therapy next to writing. I find it amazing how some lyrics can speak exactly how you feel when you can't seem to gather your thoughts to decipher your own feelings. Lately I've had some events occur in my life that have been so painful and anger-provoking that I've found it extremely hard to express the way I feel...thus directly affecting my ability to write blogs, and even my ability to write in my own personal journal. Some would argue that nothing or no one should be able to get to me enough to prevent me from doing what I love, but the truth is, people have feelings...people deal with issues...people aren't perfect. I try my best to play the strong, tough-skinned one, but sometimes it all becomes too much. I'm human. So when writing doesn't work, I turn to music as my backup to calm me down. Although the lyrics sometimes just stir up even more emotions, at least it allows me to gather my thoughts and come to realization with my feelings through someone else's words.

I love the song above not only because it speaks exactly what my heart feels, but also because I love the way it was written. The song isn't called "What Was I Thinking", but instead "What Were WE Thinking". She holds not only herself accountable for her feelings, but also the opposite party because she didn't get herself there alone. Yes, she set herself up by getting her feelings a little too involved and she recognized that, but at the end of the day, she asked, what were WE thinking. Yup...takes two to tango. One of my other favorite parts is at the end where she acknowledges the voice in the back of her head that told her to just walk away...but yet she continued to make the same mistakes anyway. Then at the end of the day once the other party breaks her heart and walks away, she's left with herself as well as the question, what are we going to do now?

But back to the subject of music-- I focus primarily on lyrics when I listen to music, which is what I think enables me to enjoy all genres. What matters to me are the songs that speak to me, make me feel a certain way and take me "there" (nostalgia)...it's not all about the beats or the ones I can dance to the hardest in the clubs (which are usually the songs that aren't talking about a damn thing). There's so much more substance to music other than how hard you can shake your ass or what society EXPECTS you to listen to. I sometimes sit here for hours on end with my headphones on, reminiscing on the good times and the bad-- smiling and laughing at the funny moments certain songs remind me of, and shedding tears over the songs that make me think of certain people or hurtful situations. Yeah...music has just that kind of effect on me. As a matter of fact, I think I've been sitting here for 2 hours and counting, just listening to whatever my iTunes gives me...a bad habit that has resulted in many late nights and wasted days. Playing Now: Since I've Been Loving You, by Corinne Bailey Rae.

Sometimes I start to think, what if music is not enough? What if neither my writing or my music can heal me? What happens when I try to write and find myself at a loss for words...but then turn my my music only to find that it's not loud enough to drown out the 10 million thoughts going through my head? What or who do I turn to then? I know that's the point that I should turn to God and prayer to ease the uncertainty, eliminate the negative feelings, and bring me to peace, but.......

So yes...music is my therapy. And its successfully done the job once again, because here goes yet another blog entry. Love it. I think I'll move on to my journal now...but first, another one of my favorites, from the Wanted soundtrack:

I believe I can see the future
As I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I’ve been told
I really don’t want them to come around

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I’m happy here
Sometimes...yet I still pretend
I can’t remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end...

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I’m hoping, someday, you might find
Well I’ll hide it behind something
They won’t look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could’ve been any other way
But I just don’t know...I don’t know what else I can do...

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

-Nine Inch Nails, Every Day Is Exactly the Same

Too Picky, or Just Refusing to Settle?

2009-02-13T15:28:00.009-05:00

So after posting my profile and what I was interested in/looking for in a guy on an Internet dating site this past week**, I received the following response from a gentleman which surprisingly caught my interest and made for an intriguing conversation and blog topic:

"First off, this isn't an angry email, just an observation. I've read a lot of ads from women who are 'losing hope for the men in this area' that then proceed to outline a laundry list of exacting specifics for the man they seek. Its possible that narrowing your focus (please don't read: lowering standards) so much has basically created an imperfect adonis. I myself meet almost all of your criteria, and without sounding arrogant am a damn good 'catch'. However, not meeting all of the criteria would most likely rule me out of even the possibility of a date. The right person often comes in an unexpected form, and may have been passed over because of superfluous expectations. Like I said, this is not an angry email, its just an observation gleaned from reading many ads. I wish you luck in your search. "

My response to this stranger was as follows:

"Thanks for your e-mail...you do bring up a very good point. You're right, and I sometimes feel the same way when I read through men's ads who also have a list of what they want in a woman. However, there's a difference between having 'preferences' and having 'requirements', and I believe that in my ad, I said I PREFERRED such characteristics. It's just like a job advertisement-- they have a list of required knowledge, skills and abilities, and they have a list of desired knowledge, skills, and abilities. While the required KSAs will lead the hiring manager to throw the resume in the trash, the desired KSAs don't-- because they are only desired traits. A candidate will still have an equal chance if there is something else attractive about them to outweigh those traits they lack. That's just the way I see it..."

He later wrote back and said that I was right, and that he later wanted to take back his comment after realizing that I had only listed my "preferences." But to the point-- now while I broke down my response to suggest the differences between "requirements" and "preferences", I found it slightly disturbing for him to suggest that some of us hold our expectations too high, thus making it hard for those who don't meet those expectations to have a chance. He suggested that narrowing one's focus doesn't necessarily mean lowering one's standards; however, I would have to disagree, particularly when it comes down to the "requirements" we have. If we know what we want and what will make us happy, why should we accept any less? Okay true, there is no "perfect" person and we are going to have to compromise in some areas to compensate for others ("preferences"), but if I know I loathe a man that smokes cigarettes, why would I open myself up to dating someone who does? If I know that I prefer someone who is taller than me when I put on a pair of heels, why would I date someone who is the same height as me when I'm barefoot? LOL, okay, I know the latter example is petty, but you see where I'm going here. Point is, if there is something that is so very important to us in a future mate, why would we even waste our time dating someone who doesn't possess those traits? I hope I'm not contradicting myself here, but again, this is more in regards to the "requirements" we set as opposed to the "preferences" we can overlook.

I've had a few people tell me before that I set my expectations too high, but I would beg to differ-- I just know exactly what I want, what I don't want, and what I can put up with. Just like Gabrielle Union's character mentioned in the film "Daddy's Girls" (and the following statement is more geared toward African-American women), it's extremely hard these days for us professional, college-educated, well-spoken, put-together women to find a suitable man with similar and desirable traits who actually LOOK like her (in terms of race-- oops, is that another high expectation???). I told those people then just like I tell them now-- I will NOT lower my expectations, because I refuse to settle for anything less. I want what I feel I need to be happy (in all aspects-- physically, mentally, and emotionally), and even more importantly, what I feel I deserve.

Another thing I found interesting about his response is that he focused primarily on women, making it seem as though we are the only ones who set expectations for ourselves. Of course we know that is certainly not true, and if you ask me, I feel as though men set higher expectations. Without going into some of the disgusting dating ads that I've seen or opinions that I have heard, men are worse: our skin has to be a certain color, we have to be a certain weight, our hair has to be a certain length, we have to look like a certain model...the list goes on and on, and these are all completely shallow and mindless characteristics. Call it "preferences" if you want, but I'm sorry, there are several men who make these their "requirements." Why should we be the only ones expected to narrow our focus when all of the things that we look for are in fact completely valid things to ask for in a man?

I guess my ending question at this point is, why is it that opening ourselves up to anyone and anything is considered having "no/low standards", yet knowing exactly what we want and refusing to settle for less is considered setting "superfluous expectations"? Are those of us who have a defined list of expectations in fact too picky? Is that the reason why some of us haven't found the right person and constantly find ourselves unhappy? Is it really worth lowering our expectations just to provide ourselves with just a mere chance of meeting someone who makes will make us happy in the end?

**Yes, I do visit internet dating sites on occasion and have no shame doing so. Not only is it 2009 and the Internet is becoming the way of the world, but doing so provides you a way of connecting with people from all areas and races without having to conveniently run into them, as opposed to the usual bar and club scene where you tend to run into the same people who all know each other. Also, most people on dating sites are there looking for the same thing, so you already skip a bunch of the bull from the start. It's actually been quite entertaining seeing some of these responses...my best friend can concur...LOL**

"And he says she's just a friend..."

2009-01-26T12:11:00.002-05:00

So after listening to the Russ Parr Morning Show this morning when they were allowing women to call in and talk about what they hate about men, one subject came up that I know all of us women and some men have dealt with at some point or another, if not several times: the issue of being referred to as "just a friend" when we know we are far more than that-- or even worse, inquiring about another girl/guy and getting the answer, "Oh, nothing's going on...we're just 'friends'" when you know damn well it's a lie.

I can take this posting in two different directions, with one direction discussing why we lie and cover up the truth about a relationship or situation with the word "friend", and the other one direction discussing why it's now become so acceptable nowadays to sleep with our friends in the first place. "Friends with benefits" is what we call them, but is it really a benefit to allow someone to downplay the reality of what's really going on-- to downplay the fact that here we are, sharing our bodies with one other in an act that some consider sacred and willing to wait until marriage for? Some people don't mind it. Some people are able to make an "agreement" and keep things at a completely physical level that involves no emotion, thus making it that much easier to pull that "friend" card and go on with their day. But for others who can't handle that type of agreement, sharing that type of "friendship" is much more. You feel as though you should share a special emotional connection that no one else has with that person. You feel as though they should be with you and only you-- but if that's the case...if we feel as though we can make these demands for monogamy from our "friends", why aren't we putting just as much energy into demanding a committed relationship from them? Why are sitting back and opening the door for the drama and acceptance of having multiple partners (which only multiplies the chance of being infected with an STD)? Shoot, I feel as though we're starting to misuse the term "friend" just as much as we misuse the term "love".

By allowing someone to refer to you as just a "friend", you're allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. You are giving them the opportunity to disregard your feelings, walk all over you, and switch up the way that they act toward you at any given moment. Furthermore, you are only setting yourself up for a losing argument if feelings become an issue in the future, because the other person will always be able to say that you two were "only friends" in the first place. I truly feel for those who aren't aware that they are being referred to as only a "friend", and some aren't aware of it. Some think that they've found this great person who is completely into them and who are going to give them the relationship they've always wanted...but in the other person's mind, nope, sorry honey. You're just a friend.

Now more than ever I am picky about who I call a friend and what makes them so (whether male or female). As mentioned in the book, He's Just Not That Into You, I personally prefer the types of friends that don't make question what our status is, or make me cry myself to sleep. I've unfortunately allowed too many "friends with benefits" in my life, and although I have been stupid enough to let it keep happening (and am still trying to learn to demand more and accept no less), I also know I would much rather be committed to someone than to give them the option of ending up with someone else and referring to me as "just a friend". At that point I'm thinking, no, I'm more than a friend. I've shared emotionally and physically intimate moments with you, and unless this is how you interact with ALL of your friends (male or female), then you need to give me a little more acknowledgement than that. We are NOT "just friends". One girl on the radio made me laugh out loud this morning when she said, "If we're sleeping together, we ARE going together-- you just don't know it yet." LMAO.

Which brings me to the next point...when we are involved with someone and see them having constant interaction with another person that they consider "just a friend", at what point do we stop and question whether it's really the truth? I've been on both sides of this situation before-- I've been called "the friend", and I've referred to someone as just "a friend" when they were in fact more than that. I remember hearing about a particular situation where a guy had two female "friends" who didn't know of each other, other than the fact that they were both "friends" to him. Turns out he was having sex with them both...but they didn't know that, because they were both too busy believing that the other girl was "just his friend". Ha-- "friends with benefits", yet he was the only one benefitting. The other two were just getting played and setting their feelings up to get hurt. So when is it safe to ask the person we're with just what kind of "friendship" they are sharing with that person? Of course if we are in a committed relationship with that person, we want to trust them and allow them to have friends. But for those of us who are "only friends" to the person we're involved with, we may feel as though we have no place to ask about another "friend". This is yet another disadvantage to allowing ourselves to be "just friends"-- we have no questioning rights!

The fact of the matter is, friends don't sleep with each other. If you (and this goes for me too) even think that someone you're involved with is more than just friends with one of their friends of the opposite sex, then you need to pull that card and ask, because "friend" seems to be the new excuse these days for getting what we want from whomever we want. If you're sleeping with one of your "friends", you need to reevaluate what's really going on, what you really want from them, and ask yourself how much longer you want to allow yourself to be disrespected-- because whether or not you realize it or want to admit to it, if he or she is not moving in the direction of pursuing a real, committed relationship with you, you're only disrespecting your own body and heart.

Reflection, Change and Regression

2009-01-25T21:43:00.007-05:00

"The more I know, the less I understand...and all the things I thought I knew-- I'm learning them again..." --India Aire, The Heart of the Matter

Wow, it's been a little over two years since my last post on Blogger. Unfortunately after things took a turn for the worse with the "beau" I mentioned in my last entry, I decided to move to LiveJournal.com and post only private journals to express my deepest, innermost feelings that I just couldn't share with everyone. While my journals (which I still do write) allow me dig deep into my emotions and feelings and come to terms with myself, I must say that writing them has caused quite a change-- a change in my writing style, the way I express myself, and the way I handle my feelings. I find myself only having to urge to write them when something is wrong-- when I'm mad, sad, angry, depressed, or confused. I was inspired to write blogs again after meeting and befriending a very special young lady who also writes blogs of similar nature. To her: thanks girl-- as you said, writing is therapy. Blogs in particular provide a different sense of therapy in that it helps open up and stimulate the mind as well as allow you to observe different points of view as your readers comment.

It's a little difficult to shift gears and begin writing a blog again when so much has happened and so much has changed. I guess that's what life is about though. My journal is titled "Trials and Tribulations" for a reason, right? Well, trials and tribulations are exactly what I have gone through as I look back and read through my old blogs, and my old journal entries. Some make me laugh, because I look back at some of the people and things I used to stress and complain about, and how all are nothing but faint memories in my mind now. Some make me cry, because I still feel the pain that I felt when I wrote the entry and the pain from the effects those things have had on me to this day. But most make me shake my head, because I realize that in reality, most things have NOT changed. I've said it before, and I'll say it again-- the more things change, the more things stay the same.

My last entry was about maturity-- about growing up and moving on from the young-minded things and acting like the adults that we are. However, I think about my current lifestyle and find that its completely contradictory to most of what I used to write. Not just that one entry, but several of the previous ones. Nowadays, I find myself in the middle of the party scene more than ever ("Growing Up"). I find myself continuing to lie and cheat on those who felt strongly about and loved me ("Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater"). I find myself being that same type of girl that I complained about in the entry "The Ex Files". I find myself caught up in the drama of crazy "love" situations that I never thought I'd be a part of, and never wanted to be a part of. It's sad because I sometimes step back and think to myself...what am I doing? This isn't me! It's almost as if I'm losing sight of myself and who I am. I find myself questioning the motives of people more than ever. I overanalyze each person in my life and wonder why they're really there, and what they really want from me. Instead of taking my friendships and relationships and enjoying them day by day, I find myself always questioning and doubting where things will end up in "X" amount of time from now. I find myself struggling to balance my emotions and keep my head intact. Worst of all, I find myself increasingly having to force my own happiness, because I am so discontent with the way things are going in my life, from friendships, to love, to my career.

I've made so many attempts to change myself for the better, and in some ways it has worked. I've gotten myself back into school, I've made my way into a good company, and I've moved up to the point where I now live completely on my own, in a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment. However, when it comes to my social life, I think I've done too much. I now find myself without those who used to be close to me, and find myself repeating the same mistakes over and over. Everything that I once complained about, cried about, claimed that I would change in my life, seems to have become a norm. Just when I think I've done what's right, I look back and realize that I've done the exact opposite and am in fact regressing from everything I thought I had conquered and overcome.

But, realizing just how much my personal experiences in fact affects lives of so many other than myself, I have to ask, since when did it become acceptable to fall back and accept the position of "the other girl/guy", knowing that regardless of the fact that you occasionally have their body, their heart is permanently with someone else? Since when did it become acceptable to go out of the way and do anything for "friends" who won't do a thing for you at the end of the day? Since when did it become acceptable to sleep with "friends"? Since when did it become acceptable to fall completely head over heels and even in love with someone who isn't even thinking of you...who doesn't even bother to pick up the phone to call you, or pick up the phone when you try to reach out to them? Since when did it become acceptable to hold onto someone for months or even years at a time, knowing that they have not and will not give you more? Since when did it become acceptable to put physical bliss first and emotion, heart, and self-respect last? I know that of course none of it is acceptable, but yet so many people deal with and put up with it all every day. But at what point is it too late to fix these things? If we have a sense of self-awareness and know that we deserve better, why is it so hard to demand and provide ourselves with better?

As I reflect back on the past several years of my life and look for the reasons why things have started to go in the opposite of the desired direction, I sometimes ask myself, is it my surroundings that influence me-- my family, the people I deal with, and the situations that I am thrown into? I know that only I be responsible for my actions, the way I feel about things, and the way I handle things...but what do I do at this point, when previous attempts to better ourselves have failed? What do any of us do who find ourselves in this situation...who are only trying our best to make a way for ourselves...who are trying their best to remain positive and find happiness? Do we just live life as it is and let it take its course, or should we make a conscious effort to change ourselves again? At what point does change within oneself become a lost cause, because we are so engaged in what seems to have become the norm? After all, at the end of the day, we are who we are...so, no matter how much we reflect and think of ways to improve oneself, is a true change even possible without regressing at some point in the near future?

Growing Up

2006-12-28T17:28:00.000-05:00

The other day I was having a conversation with my beau, who had brought up his concerns that our 7-year age difference would be the downfall of us. He mentioned that he was afraid that the fact that I was only 23 meant that I would still be into the clubbing and dating different guys, thus becoming uninterested in him in only a matter of time. While I begged to differ and explained that I was at the point where I was sick of the clubbing and just wanted to settle and prepare for my future focusing on my career and beginning a family, the subject made me think about my level of maturity, where I currently stood, and where those my age should be standing when it comes to maturity.

Ever since I've known, I've always been complimented on my maturity level and ability to hold in-depth conversations with those much older than myself. Back in high school, I had many friends 2-3 years older than me. In fact, I remember a few seniors telling me during my freshman year, "Kim, you're the most mature freshman I've ever met." Many people have guessed my age incorrectly, thinking I was much older. While I laughed it off thinking it was that I looked old, each and every one of those people assured me that it was because of my conversation and the way that I carried myself that made me seem older, and then continued to say that most people my age "are very immature and don't have their heads on straight". I take it as a compliment of course, but then I wonder why older people assume that us 20-somethings are all so immature, and what makes some of us different.

Moving on from my personal experiences for a moment, I've really began to notice that there are so many different maturity levels among those of us in the same age group. Yes, of course us women are naturally inclined to be more mature than men, but on a more general note, why is it that some of us are still into hitting every club in the city every other night, and some of us would much rather just relax at home and watch a movie with our friends? Why is it that some of us would rather travel out of town to a party scene instead of traveling somewhere for simple relaxation and pleasure? Why is that some of us are more focused on our education and career while others are more focused on their social lives? Why is it that some of us would much rather sit down and have an educated conversation with someone and others would much rather talk about clothes, money, men/women, and sex?

The prior has really made me realize the difference between myself and some of my friends lately. Yes, I like to go out to the clubs here and there, but you'd more than likely find me in a bar/lounge where I can meet other professionals and have a decent conversation about our careers, life issues, political issues, etc. Yes, I love to meet men, but I'd much rather meet and date an older man who has his life together, has a real JOB (not some part-time excuse to make money), and has more on his mind than just getting in my (or some other girl's) pants. Yes, I love to travel to sites where I can party (I will ALWAYS love South Beach), but I'd much rather go somewhere that is unlike any experience and will expand my mind, like to New York to see a play on Broadway, or to a foreign country to enjoy the quiet scenery and explore another culture. Unfortunately for me, I have very few friends who have the same feel the same way as me, which makes me wonder why they haven't grown up yet, and when they will do so, so that we can enjoy those things together.

So what's to contribute to the differences in maturity level? I've had this discussion with both friends and family members and we've all come to a couple of the same conclusions: For one, majority of those with OCS (Only Child Syndrome) tend to be more immature than those who have siblings (especially older ones) since they've never had to be independent and do anything for themselves. Those who were forced to grow up early in one way or another tend to have an increased level of maturity-- I know a girl who is about the same age as I who is married with two kids, and has the maturity level of someone 10 years older. But then there are those who just happen to be more mature. I guess the real question is, is maturity something we are born with to naturally develop after we hit a certain age, or something that is learned through our environment? When is it the right time to "grow up"?

Helping Yourself

2006-09-10T23:16:00.000-04:00

"You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves..." Yeah, that's what they say. However, while it is very true, the question I ask is, why don't some people want to help themselves? I often wonder this after I sit back and take a look at my surroundings, especially my friends and family. I find it very disturbing when I see people I know, especially my own black people, on a downwards path, only because they refuse to take a look at themselves and see what needs improvement. There are three areas that I have seen a lot of lately where people are crying for help, but since they really don't want to help themselves, they only continue to fall: Sex, Money, and Portrayal.

SEX
We all know that over time, this cruel world has caused women to be seen as mere objects in the eyes of many men...but since when did we have to start using that as an excuse to continue promiscuous and dangerous behavior? Since when did that mean that we had to start disrespecting ourselves? As displayed in previous blogs, I have been through a lot of things regarding the disrespect of my mind, body, and heart. Over time, I have grown much and have realized that I must first learn to respect and love myself before I expect that from anyone else. I have learned that my body is not the only great thing about me, and that I should never let any man treat me as only a body--an object--instead of a living, breathing soul with a heart and mind. I have learned that I should expect NOTHING LESS from a man but the utmost respect for my decisions, and my self as a whole. As I grow, I try to pass on this knowledge to friends of mine who continue to make the mistakes that I have made. Like my mother always tells me, "A mistake is only worth it when you LEARN from it...if you continue to make that mistake, you're only going to stay in that same hole." However, no matter how much I try to pass on this information, it seems that some never learn. It frustrates me...not so much because I see them hurting themselves both physically and mentally, but more so because I think back to how stubborn I was when some of my friends used to constantly tell me those same things, but it would never seem to register. I would instead make the same mistakes and wonder why I was always being hurt and why no man would stay around. Finally, one day things clicked and I woke up and said, "No more" to the men that were disrespectful, and "no more" to the stupid mistakes. So while I used to ask myself, "Why are they doing this to themselves? Can't they see that things aren't going to change when they're constantly disrespecting themselves?" I've since come to the conclusion that it's something you're going to want to change yourself-- No one can help you change it...you have to want to HELP YOURSELF. Only YOU know when you've had enough.

MONEY
Although some hate to admit it, money is what makes the world go around. When it comes to self worth (in terms of assets), it all falls back on how you manage your money, which in turn falls back on how well you prioritize your spending, and how mature you are to do so. However, many that have failed to make that realization--Borrowing from one person to pay a second person...bounced checks...opening accounts up in someone else's name (which really means that you shouldn't have whatever it is you're trying to obtain in the first place)...missing due dates on bills...failing to pay someone back when you owe them--Why do they do it to themselves? Do they not know that they are digging themselves into a constant hole...that they are ruining their credit and ability to ever financially prosper as well as ruining the trust that they receive from other people? What kills me the most is those individuals who owe someone money but claim they are too broke to pay that person, meanwhile they are constantly purchasing needless items, such as materialistic things, or even worse, drugs! Common sense would tell you to pay the person you owe BEFORE spending money on something else that isn't important. I find it that it is often the ones that complain about being broke that refuse to do a damn thing to fix the problem. You can give them all the advice you want, and will even attempt to calculate the difference (in dollars) in their decisions for them...but they will not take that advice. Instead, they continue to do things their way, letting their "wants" and desires to keep up with everyone else get the best of them. Meanwhile, credit bureaus continue to see them as "high risk"...overdraft fees continue to increase far beyond the amount originally owed had they paid it up front...lenders and companies continue to say "NO" to requests for credit because they have a bad history of paying things back on time. What is the reason for all of it? Not saying that my finances are perfect-- I'm in debt as we speak (no thanks to student loans and credit cards). BUT, one thing that I can say is that my credit report is anywhere from Good to Excellent...I know where my priorities are. If I owe someone, they will be paid. All the materialistic and unnecessary items can wait. If I need to sacrifice something along the way, I will do so. I've learned to be this way simply by looking at where I've come from and knowing that I NEVER want to be in a position where I am struggling to keep a bite of food in the refrigerator. I NEVER want to be 40+ and saying that I'm still renting. I NEVER want to have to say "Sorry honey, I can't afford it" to my children. I NEVER want to be dependent on someone else for my financial needs. I want to be able to live comfortably and enjoy life without worrying about where my next dollar is going to come from. I understand it can be hard and that money doesn't always come easy with the rising prices of pretty much everything-- but that is when your priorities should adjust to our changing economy, even if it means sacrificing what you really "wanted", but didn't really "need". You have to want to help yourself get out of a hole and get yourself together...no one else can help you do that.

PORTRAYAL
Today I was on my way back from the 21st Annual Black Family Reunion in DC with the young lady I mentor and her best friend. On our way back to the train, we walked by a black family-- a woman, man, and three or four young children. The two ladies I was with had picked up two toys from the Reunion and were playing around with them in the station. As we walked by the kids, of course they stared at the toys. I heard the father say something, and it wasn't long before one of the little girls (who had to be no more than 4 years old), started running after the girls I was with, trying to hit them with her fists balled up. Of course the girls and the family were laughing about it, while I was bitterly walking away thinking, "I wish that child WOULD put one hand on me..." (LOL). We walked away. We ended up walking back past the family a few seconds later to go in a different direction, when the child started running after the two girls, trying to hit them again. As we went down the escalator, the little girl started yelling that she was going to "get them" and "beat them up", all while snapping her fingers and wrists and moving her neck back and forth. I thought to myself, "That child is too grown for her own good..." But what bothered me the most is when the father whispered something to the girl, and she started yelling out the initials of a supposed female gang in the DC area. Now, being that I'm from VA and live a completely different lifestyle than most who were born and raised in DC, I had no idea what the child was saying, or why the two young ladies I was with stood with their mouths open in disbelief as the father of the child laughed. Once they told me what the child was saying, I looked back up at the father and child with a look of disgust on my face. While they all thought it was funny, I had to walk away shaking my head. First off, WHY is the child in public, acting out and yelling out gang initials? But even worse, WHY is the father TEACHING the child to do so? Is this what we want our future (which ultimately will be led by the youth) to be like? If you ask me, NO child should even be talking to any stranger the way she was talking, or even KNOW what a gang is. Why are the parents embedding that into her head at the age of 4 or 5? Some blacks wonder why the media portrays us as such-- well, look what we're teaching the youth! Why not tell the child to smile and say "hello" to other young black women, instead of immediately running after them, fists balled up, and yelling gang initials? Why not whisper into the child's ear something positive, such as how she should respect herself and her elders instead of teaching her immediately initiate violence? We blame racism and discrimination on our downfall, but we fail to realize that once again, we have to want to help ourselves as black people first. No respect is given to those who don't want to do so.

In all of the above situations, those people are usually quick to want to blame someone else for their problems...their problems respecting their bodies...their problems managing their money...their problems being seen as equal in the white man's world-- but what are they doing to change that? As I heard a speaker say at the Reunion say today, "If you are not a part of the solution, you are a part of the problem..." It starts with YOU. Only YOU can decide how you want to be treated by others...only YOU can decide how you're going to better manage your money and bring yourself out of debt. Only YOU can decide what you're going to let your child see, hear, and teach them to their lives in a positive manner. NO ONE ELSE can help you do any of that unless you are willing to do it yourself. So how will you help yourself today?

Well, what are we here for?

2006-05-14T21:24:00.000-04:00

Wow...it's been awhile since I've written, but things have been crazy lately. Between crazy MEN and trying to do the things I want to in life, I can say that things have been a little hectic for me to even think of writing.

Anyway, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! While I don't think any of my readers are mothers (at least not that I know of), we all have a mother and MOST of us are planning on being mothers in the future. However, there are some people that don't ever want to be a mother, and it's just that that I want to write about today.

While looking at an old friend's MySpace page the other day, I noticed that she said that she didn't want any kids. Then in a conversation later that day, another friend said that she didn't want kids. Although this shocked me--the thought of any woman not wanting kids--I know that there are plenty of women that feel the same way; in fact, I have heard other friends of mine say the same thing. I even have an aunt (a very wealthy one), who would rather continue focusing on herself and her own personal worth than to have kids.

The decision of whether to have children or not to have children can be a controversial. Those who choose not to have children are sometimes looked at as selfish, because they'd rather make money and do things for themselves than to give part of that up for a child (i.e. my aunt, OPRAH). While I wouldn't go so far as to call them "selfish", I must say that I don't understand why they wouldn't want to have offspring of their own. I mean, what else are we here for? Weren't women put on Earth to reproduce? (On a side note, that is a funny subject in itself because some men think they were put on Earth to inseminate as many women as possible so that they COULD reproduce!)

I think another thing that kind of bothers me (and this is where I can see why some people consider it "selfish" is that there are some people out here that simply cannot have children because of physical restraints that disallow their body to carry or birth a child, but yet, there are other women who are simply choosing "not" to have children because they don't feel like dealing with one. It's not fair. If you don't want to care for a child on your own, at least do something good for those that desire to but can't have a child and choose to carry one for that person (although there are plenty of moral issues that come along with that as well).

True, babies and children are expensive and high maintenance--they cry, poop, puke, require lots of attention, grow up and put you through all sorts of stress and drama...lol (which is honestly no different than a damn PUPPY, but some women would rather have that than a self-produced child). Shoot, my nephew is a handful and gives me a headache, and I'm only around him for a few hours each week, if that! Not to mention the described pain of having a child...whew... But the pure joy you get from the birth of a child that I've been told of by mothers, even by the Bible itself, is enough to make me overlook all of that and have a child of my own.

Now, I love my mother more than anything else in this world. We share a very close relationship, and it pains me to even think about having to live without her one day (I'll have to find agood picture of her and I together and put it up here). Realizing my relationship with my mother gives me the desire to have someone in my life--my own offspring--look up to me and feel the same way. Who knows...maybe its the lack of a close relationship with a mother that pushes those that don't want kids completely away from that motherly desire that some of us have.

Anyway, I'm interested to know other people's opinions on that. What makes you want/not want children? Does your relationship with your mother affect your future decision for children? Let me know. I can tell you now that I want three of my own!

(P.S.--Still going natural...three months and 10 days strong!)

Natural Woman

2006-04-05T19:00:00.000-04:00

Well, after several years of relaxing and damaging my hair from harsh chemicals, I've decided to go natural. I have been relaxing my hair since I was about 5 years old (yes, it was THAT hard for my mother to deal with--the pictures in this blog of my younger years speak for itself), and now I want to get rid of it (the relaxer, not my hair...lol), for GOOD. Back when I was in the 5th grade, I had grown out my relaxer for a little while, but once again, it was more than my mother and I wanted to deal with (she hated to do my hair, and I hated to get it done), so we relaxed it again. But now that I'm grown and know what's good for my hair, I'm going to grow it out again, and this time stick with it.

Going natural seems to be the thing nowadays, like some sort of revolution. Everywhere I go, I see people with TWA's (teeny weeny afros), locks, twists, and cute natural hairstyles. I've considered going natural for quite some time now, but always ended up giving in and going to get a touch-up. I was so afraid that I wouldn't know how to or wouldn't WANT to deal with my unpermed hair and would end up looking bad. I also had the notion instilled in my mind that the artificial and chemically inflicted "long, straight, and silky" was superior to the black man's natural "tight, kinky, and curly". I was finally inspired by a few friends and family members of mine who have taken the step to pursue natural hair, as well as by a great website I found about one woman's journey from relaxed to natural (http://www.motowngirl.com/). I haven't had a touch-up since February 4th, 2006 and boy, are the "naps" starting to emerge...LOL! But as the new growth starts to grow in, I'm starting to realize that my natural hair's texture IS beautiful, no matter what white America tries to make us believe.

So why is it that some of us are so afraid of going natural? When I asked a couple of close friends of mine to take the journey with me, some were with me, and others were almost disgusted at the thought and appalled that I would even consider doing such a thing...like it was a sin! It's the latter that goes to show just how much we've been conditioned to hate ourselves and everything about us, or to judge others and say that one way or look is better than the other (such as our skin color, which is another blog in itself...and trust me, that topic is coming soon). As the woman in the MotownGirl website mentioned, why is it that every other race can happily wash their natural hair and run free with it, but us black women are ashamed to do so and feel the need to cover up the texture we were given with harsh straightening chemicals and long weaves? Why do we strive to be just like "them"? Why can't we be happy with ourselves?

A friend of mine told me that when she went to the salon to get her natural hair straightened with a hot comb, a woman of another race said (after it was straightened), "Oh, your hair looks so pretty now." Huh? What? It looks pretty "now"?! Who's to say that it wasn't beautiful BEFORE it was straightened? Once again, it is that very notion that hair has to be straight and silky to be beautiful that has black women disliking themselves and what God has given them.

The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that the natural texture of our hair is better than what any relaxer can offer because it provides more versatility. We can wear it curly/wavy, we can pick it out into an afro, we can twist it, cornrow it, braid it, AND we can still straighten it if we want to. A relaxer doesn't provide you that without dealing with long hours at the salon, and not to mention that extra MONEY that you spend at the salon. At least I know I'll be saving money, time, AND the health of my hair by going natural.

I'm curious to know what other black women (or any woman in general) think of this topic. I'd also like to know what some of the men think on this topic. Although you guys aren't the ones that have to make the choice, what do you think about black women who are permed vs. those who are natural? Sadly, there are some men out there that automatically think a woman is less attractive when she wears her natural hair or has locks.

I hope that over time as my natural hair starts to grow out, that I will further learn to appreciate the beauty of our kinky, curly, wavy hair. I also hope that as I take the journey from straight to natural, that I can inspire other black women to do the same, as some of my friends and family have done for me. Let's keep the revolution going ladies...get rid of the relaxers!!!

When It's All Said and Done...

2006-03-17T13:26:00.000-05:00

He's everything to you...when you meet him, he sweeps you off of your feet. He tells you want you want to hear, gives you that feeling you've been longing to feel for so long. When he touches you, your heart melts. You have your bad days...maybe a disagreement here and there, but its never anything serious. You quickly get over it, and you're right back to where you were, wondering if he could be "the one".

Over time, you notice that things start to take a change. The constant inflow of happiness starts to fade. The kissing and hugging stops. The sproadic disagreements turn into frequent arguments. The trust you thought you had for each other starts to disappear. The feeling of warmth you once felt in his touch turns to coldness. The sweet things he once used to tell you turn into degrading insults and disrespectful comments. The smiles and laughter turn to tears and insecurity. Is it something you did? Is is something you said? Is it you at all?

He comes in and out of your life, sending you on an emotional rollercoaster. One day he's there, making you feel like you're on top of the world, the next day he's not, and you feel like the world is on your shoulders. Part of you wants to go, another part of you makes you stay. You choose to hold on, despite your efforts to leave. You hear your friends and family screaming at you in the distance to let it go...to walk away before you get too caught up--but their words are blurred by the love you have for him. You know you can make it work somehow...they don't know what they're talking about.

Just as soon as you think the problems are solved and that things are starting to go the way they should have been from the start, things get a little rocky again. You don't understand why things are once again taking turn for the worst, when you've made it clear to him just how much you love him and how you're willing to do what you have to do to make things work. You don't understand why he sometimes acts like he doesn't want you there, but yet refuses to let you go. You don't know much of anything anymore--your mind has become consumed with trying to make him happy, even if it makes you unhappy.

One day he breaks the news to you, and nothing could have prepared your heart for what you were about to hear--he had met someone else. You and him could no longer be, because him and her were getting serious. You hold onto your pride--you don't let it get to you, and you don't cry. You tell him that it's okay, because you know he'll be back when he realizes his mistake. But as time passes, and as the thought of him being with her instead of you starts to sink in, you slowly start to lose it. Not now...not you. He can't leave you like this! How can he do this to you? How can he up and leave when just a couple of weeks ago he was intimate with you, kissing you and holding you close? How could you let this happen? WHY is this happening? You find yourself begging for an explanation, hoping that somewhere along the way he will tell you that it was just a joke, and that he really wants no one but you. Instead, he tells you that it's because of her that he can't be with you. He tells you that he wants you to keep you around; that he wants to be friends, but you know that it's impossible--just the thought of being only a friend in his mind, when he's so much more to you, hurts. You immediately start comparing yourself to this mystery girl, wondering why she's everything that you're not. The pain in your heart finds itself a permanent home, and slowly starts to eat away at the love for yourself that you're desperately trying to hold onto...

As you try to prevent yourself from going crazy over the feeling of not being good enough, you tell yourself that it will never happen again--that you will not let another man walk out on you, leaving you in the cold to suffer alone. You will not let someone who hardly knows him come along and take from you what you've worked so hard at. You will not let your love for him go to waste. You try to put up a fight to keep him, but the struggle turns frantic, causing you to do and say things you have never done before. You notice that you are digging yourself into a deeper hole--the more you try to grab, the more he slips out of your reach. As you feel the control of your own life slip from the grip of your fingers, your strength to handle and live your life plummets. You cry out to friends, family, and God for help, but no one seems to hear you. Eventually the feeling takes control...takes what little is left of you and burns it. This can't be happening to you again...why you? You're convinced that life isn't worth it. You don't deserve the pain and the tears...you don't deserve to live. You've got to end it now, so you get in your car and take that drive, hoping never to return...

But just as you reach that breaking point, you get that phone call from the one who still loves you, and will never stop loving you, despite the fact that you've been broken up for months. You get that phone call from that family member, who comforts you and says all the right things to make you realize that you and your life is worth it, and that you are not the only woman that will deal with the pain of losing him. You get that touch from God--He catches you before you fall and lifts the burdening pain from your heart.

You realize that it's not as bad as you think. Life will involve many heartaches, some worse than others. This is not the first time that it has happened, nor is it the last. You have two choices--use the experience to learn and grow stronger, or continue making the same mistake. You ARE beautiful, you ARE worth loving, and there ARE people who love you and are willing to accept everything about you. The beautiful God-given life IS worth living--every single moment of it. On top of that, LIFE GOES ON.

When it's all said and done, you're still alive the next day. You're still a little hurt, but you know that the pain won't last forever...it will soon pass. Instead, you look forward to the next love, because no matter what the outcome, it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

THROWBACKS: The Best of 2004

2006-03-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how much time can change certain things. But it's also funny that no matter how much things change, they still remain the same. Tonight I came across my journals/blogs from September-November 2004 and I decided to read through them to see just how much my life has changed and how much I've grown. I definitely have grown up a lot and have learned to handle situations better, and take on situations with better judgment so that I'd make better decisions. However, I also noticed that my life still isn't the "drama-free, pain free" life that I hoped to have when it was all over with. I guess I'm still in the process of living and learning.

Also while reading through them, I realized just how much I have a passion for writing. I sometimes wonder, if I wrote a book, would anyone read it? Below are a few of my favorite entries from my blog back during the craaazy and wild college days (which is completely explicit and contain details about my life that should not have been exposed to the public). I know for a fact that I used to have several readers that enjoyed my writings (or should I say, enjoyed my personal BUSINESS) due to the results on my AIM link tracker. Maybe you will enjoy it as well:

Monday, November 08, 2004

Struggling not to pick up the phone and call...

Struggling not to apologize for your faults...

Struggling not to give in...

Struggling not to show you just how weak I am...

Struggling to keep my word this time...

Struggling not to miss you...

Struggling not to wish you were here...

Struggling to hold the tears back...

Struggling not to let you know that I still care...

Struggling to keep my mind off of you...

Struggling to just forget about you...

Struggling to move on....................

Oh yeah...and I'm struggling to study too but it's not working too well since I obviously have OTHER worthless things to think about.......damn it all.

**Good night**

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Well, here's week #3 of not going out or seeing people (well, at least not going out and seeing people that I usually see). Things have gone really downhill as far as my social life goes, and I don't know why. Part of me wants to blame myself, and part of me blames other people. I sometimes wonder, what have I done wrong? Why is it that I no longer speak to any of the people I once considered my best friends? But then, I also wonder, why are people so FAKE? Why are people so SHADY? Why do people USE other people? Why are some people so quick to give up a friendship that's supposed to last...for something that probably won't last? I often find myself in a place where I feel completely ALONE, much like I do right now. I try to get away from it all and stay focused on my schoolwork and my family, but sometimes the anger and the pain is so overwhelming that I can't help but think about how much I hate the way things are, and how much I miss the way things used to be. I guess it's not a joke that people constantly change and walk in and out of one another's life, but why me? I thought I was a good person, but the men and women of this school definitely have me thinking otherwise.

So what's happening? I thought college was supposed to be a new life for me in which I left all the drama and pain I dealt with in high school back at home. I thought that I was supposed to leave here with a lifetime of memories, a large selection of TRUE friends, and possibly a real love to call my own... But as graduation day nears, I find that my life is slowly winding back down to what it was before I came here (this time, WITHOUT a man in my life that loves me more than life itself), and that I'm going to be returning home to the SAME EXACT THING. Over and over again I think, wait...this is NOT how things should be...but what can I do now? If only I could turn back the hands of time, back to my freshman year, I would do things so differently. They say "live and learn", but it's hard to keep living when you still have so much that you have refused to learn.

I really wish I could change things before I leave here. I realize that I will probably never see some of the people I've met ever again, and I don't want to leave on a bad note. But how can one change so much in so little time, especially when the other people involved aren't willing to let those things change? How can I tell those that I once called my friends that I really do miss them, and not have them look at me like I'm crazy while continuing to leave me behind? How can I let the guys here know that I really am a good person on the inside, and that my past mistakes and words of other people do NOT make me? I guess it's pretty much impossible. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and live with it.

Every time I think about this shit, I can't help but cry. I'm not going to lie--sometimes I honestly cry myself to sleep...one tear for each friend I've lost...one tear for every man that has done me wrong and broken my heart...one tear for each mistake I've made...one tear for each moment I wish I could take back.........the list goes on. By the end of the night I'm all cried out, with no more to give. I don't know if I need to get away from it all, or if I need to confront it all...either way, I just want the pain gone. I want to live life to the fullest with the support of others, and have no regrets about my decisions.

Don't quite know what to do...don't quite know what needs to be done. But I do know that I'm tired...tired of living this life of mine.

**Good night**

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

...I'm so sick of my surroundings. I keep telling myself that things will be better when I leave here and go home, but I know they'll be just as bad there. Every time I go home, I'm counting down the days until I come back here because everyone there drives me crazy as well. I just can't wait until things in my life finally come together and I'm HAPPY. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear on an island by myself with no one there...

...I don't know much about anything anymore. Every time something in my life goes right, three times as much goes wrong. I know The One above is putting me all this through a reason, so I guess I should try my best to be content until I find out that reason. I always ask why it has to be me that goes through and puts up with so much crap, and how it is possibly going to benefit me and make me stronger in the end, but maybe I shouldn't question it. Maybe I should just suck it all up and count on Him to carry me through it all...

Monday, October 18, 2004

...Today I was doing a lot of thinking about the people in my life that I call my friends. In fact, everything that came to mind made me re-evaluate who I even consider as my "friends". I've been through so many "friend" situations and drama in my life, that I think I've seen it all. Let's just go through a few of the "friend" situations I've had:

-I've had those "friends" who call themselves there for you at all times, but it's funny how you only seem to hear from them when THEY want something. Otherwise, they're nowhere to be found or heard from.

-I've had those "friends" who call themselves "friends" by giving you advice on how to solve a situation with a second "friend" messing with a guy you're interested in, but then go right behind YOUR back and contribute to making the situation worse anyway by messing with that SAME guy themselves!

-I've had those "friends" who will use the hell out of you for what you have and are willing to give to them, but whenever you're not doing something to benefit them, they're nowhere to be found or heard from. Not ONCE have they ever offered to do something to make you happy or to thank you for what you've done for them.

-I've had those "friends" who know that you're interested in a guy, so they make it their sole purpose in life to go get with him instead of helping YOU out.

-I've had those "friends" who swear up and down that they will never put a guy before your friendship, but at soon as some dick comes in the picture, they are nowhere to be found or heard from. Whenever you try to see them or do something with them, it doesn't happen because they "already have plans with 'him'".

-I've had those "friends" who will talk, talk, and talk some more about themselves and their drama-filled lives, but when you try to say one thing about yourself, they either interrupt you to talk about themselves some more or just get all mad together that you're not kissing their ass like they want you to.

-I've had those "friends" who only happen to be your friend because their other friends are either just sick of them, or not around at the moment. But when those other friends come back, they drop you like you're hot.

-I've had those "friends" that are just plain crazy and get mad at you for the pettiest shit in the world. I mean, shit so petty that it doesn't even deserve to be said...and they will end the friendship over it too.

-I've had those "friends" that feel the need to basically talk about you in front of your face when you present them with an opinion or trait that they don't like or agree with, and then will CONTINUE to talk about you behind your back.

-I've had those "friends" who want to be like you SO MUCH, that they will do ANYTHING to bring you down and bring them up. I've had it get to the point where you cry your heart out to them, trusting them with your business (since you ARE friends), but as soon as you turn your back, they are using that business against you, ruining YOUR reputation, and smiling as they do so.

Well now that I've pretty much named a trait in just about every single "good friend" I have or have had, maybe I don't have any real FRIENDS at all (not including those of you that I'm just getting to know...not yet anyway)--maybe I should just label them ALL acquantainces and put them all on a scale of either "Very Acquainted" or "Not Really Acquainted At All". All I really want are people in my life that I can talk to about anything and they'll just LISTEN, that I can roll with places without getting screwed over somehow in the end, and someone that's really just THERE. Every time you think you have a "friend", something happens somewhere to prove you wrong. The point is, it's hard to trust ANYONE these days. It's so hard because I hate being alone, and I hate cliques. I wish I could just have a group of good friends that I chill with every now and then, but not ONLY just us...kinda like my 12th floor crew freshman year (sigh...those were the good ole days...) Shit...just one good person would be nice. Maybe it's just better to stay to myself, because obviously, my "friends" aren't here for me anyway. Sometimes I feel like females are no better to have around than niggas are...

**Good night**

During the first 15 minutes this entry was posted, I had decided to post the link to the blog that those entries came from, but after re-evaluating it, I decided to remove it. Those blogs posted every breathing moment of my life back during that time (which were quite hard times...I had hit rock bottom at one point), and I'm determined to leave my past where it's supposed to be--in the PAST. Hopefully others will learn to do the same...

Once a cheater, always a cheater...

2006-02-15T23:54:00.000-05:00

"People tell you who they are all the time. When a man says he can't be monogamous, you should believe him." --He's Just Not That Into You (Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)

I don't even know where to start with this or how to end it--it's a subject that can easily go in many different directions. I'm just going to try and speak what's on my mind without writing a book...

They say that once a cheater, always a cheater. However, is this really true? I've cheated a couple of times before; however, I don't think for one second that I'll never be able to be monogamous again. I mean, there comes a time where we all have to grow up and learn to settle down with one person. If we feel that our interest in that person is being steered in another direction, we have to be mature enough to go to that person, talk to them, and end things before that nasty "cheating" thing even becomes an issue.

A guy a know once told me that 99% of men cheat, whether they admit to it or not. Whether this is true or not, I don't know (but I hope to God that its not). What's funny is, it's these same guys that call "his woman" every name in the book if she even LOOKS at another man the wrong way...but that's another story. I've never been cheated on before (at least not that I know of); however, I have had someone I was very much into tell me that he couldn't pursue a relationship with me because he knew that in the long run, he would most likely wind up cheating, and he didn't want to hurt me (as if it didn't hurt enough just hearing that and dealing with the constant paranoia that he could have possibly been with someone else when he wasn't with me.) However, once you have a person at a certain point where they're already attached to you and are used to you always being there with them and doing all the boyfriend/girlfriend things, would it really make a difference whether you were officially committed with a title to that person or not? The fact is, you left them for another person--the knife still cuts just as deep.

Although I've been guilty of the crime (as well as been guilty of being "the other girl"), I really don't see why people resort to cheating in the first place. If you're not getting what you need out of your current relationship, or if you find yourself with temptations, what's so hard about being straightforward with your current partner (whom is currently giving you their all and remaining completely loyal) and letting them know off the top that you're going to need a little space to prevent any damage from being done? And for those that consider themselves so "honest" for letting someone know up front that they can't be faithful, how can you be so quick to claim such a thing when you haven't even given yourself a chance to open up to that person and pursue something that could possibly change your old ways? Yes, it is possible for one person to come into your life and change your views about every other person you have dealt with, or every person you may have had temptations with (ask my ex, whom I still regret messing up with to this day...YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT UNTIL IT'S GONE). I must say that's where the contradiction plays its part, at least as far as I'm concerned--when a guy tells me he can't be with me because he doesn't want to cheat, I get upset that he didn't at least give things a chance...but I know that if we did get together and he did end up cheating, I'd be sick to my stomach, asking him why he even agreed to be in a relationship in the first place if he knew he couldn't be faithful. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Overall, cheating and the thought of being cheated can easily turn into an emotional warzone.

But come on now, when are us so-called "adults" going to learn to act like adults and settle down? Not only are people's feelings on the line, but this day in time you have to worry about things like sexually transmitted infections, HIV, and all that nasty shit. Not saying you have to marry every person you decide to date, but at least spare that person (and yourself) some pain and stay with that one person until the relationship has run its course.

I know most everyone reading this has been in one place or another (been the cheater or have been cheated on), so please leave your thoughts and comments...

What Can't Be Undone (freewrite)

2006-01-15T19:53:00.000-05:00

They always told me this would happen, but I didn't listen. Even so, it was already too late. The damage was already done; my future already burnt. The past is supposed to be exactly that--THE PAST. But what happens when that past directly affects the present? The future? What is one to do? How can one move on with life if their past is constantly haunting their future, scaring others away while in the process? I know I've made many mistakes in my past...in fact, I knew they were mistakes as they were being done. But what happens, happens, and once they happen, they can not be taken back. So how am I supposed to happily live my life with something that's already permanently engraved as a part of me and unable to be erased?

The things they used to tell me never used to hurt me or ring a bell until it really hit home and I had someone I really cared about and wanted to be with leave me for that reason. I could never understand why he stayed around and played along for so long when he knew the truth from the beginning--but the fact is, in the end, it was still grounds for my dismissal. I would argue with him, be angry, and end up hurting when my past was discussed, trying to validate my actions, his wrongness for judging, and prove that I had changed, but when it was over and done, all I could think about was how right he was, and how others had told me that exact same thing back when I would do my dirt and not care. But what can I do? I can't change what has already happened, and I damn sure can't be expected to stay single for the rest of life because of some dumb mistakes I had back when I had lost faith in myself--and in my God. There has to be someone out there willing to look over what is already done...or is there?

Only God knows just how much I wish I could take every one of those mistakes back--how I wish I could start all over. Then again, I know that I should not regret the past because I know it was God Himself who put those situations in my life, and I know that He did so for a very good reason. I only wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain of those mistakes every time someone judges me...but even with that pain, I try not to lose hope that something good will come out of each and every mistake, and each and every lesson learned.

I never wanted to live life that way...in each situation, all I wanted was to be happy with that one person, but it never ended up that way. It wasn't my fault that I gave my all only to be used and abused in the end. At times I would hit rock bottom, crying and praying that things would change...that I would be able to settle down with one person and be happy, and have the feelings be mutual...that someone would see me for the person I was and not for the past that I had. But when I reached the point where I was about to break, Jesus saved me and kept me up...He kept the hope and love alive in me and let me know that He was still there, even when the others weren't. My past may have hurt, and still may hurt to this day, but where someone else judges me and disassociates themselves with me because of that past, I know that He is still right there by my side, carrying me through each trial, each tribulation, and leading me to the brighter day He has in store for me. If the others don't like it, who are they to judge? This is a struggle between me, myself, and God that I WILL get through, and when its over and done, that special person will be there waiting for me, caring only about me and the person that I am on the inside instead of the person I was some years ago.

I'm trying to change--no wait, let me fix that...I HAVE changed, and I will no longer let my past get me down and get the best of me. I AM a child of God, and while others may not forgive me for what I have done wrong, I know that HE will, and that's all that should matter. I gotta keep my head up and keep moving forward. I cannot...I WILL not...let my past keep me down any longer.

The Ex-Files

2006-01-09T18:45:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: Before I begin this entry, I need to make it clear that this entry is not meant to bash any certain reader I may have (shoot, at this rate, maybe I should say readerS) or start anything, but instead just meant to discuss a topic that many women have been through at least once in their past, whether they are the victim or the one committing the crime... To "those readers", please do not jump to conclusions.

Now here's a little background as to why I wanted to write this entry: Okay well, this past weekend I got a random message from someone regarding a guy that I used to be involved with--it was one of his ex's. Needless to say, this isn't the first time I've been contacted about this person, but while the other person had something really nice to say, spoke her piece (which was VERY nice) and disappeared, this time around it was different. This time, the person STARTED OUT saying things to make me feel better about the past situation, but then turned things around into what seemed like a looong bragging session, telling me all the great things about the relationship they once had, how great things were with their friendship now, how he tells her about other women he's been talking to and how he also wants to get back with her and blah blah blah. Point is, it seemed like she was validating his every wrong action AND at the same time making me feel like she was better than me when it came down to being involved with him. In the end, I ended up feeling the complete opposite than I should have--I ended up feeling MUCH worse about it. In fact, I ended up completely heated, angry, and ready to inflict pain among that particular guy...LOL. However, after consulting a couple of my best friends about it all and they pointed out to me that it's not HIM that made me mad, and I shouldn't get so upset about him or about the situation at all. They pointed out to me that it was HER that I was really mad at; this girl was completely wrong for coming to me like that with information that would only increase and prolong the pain I was still dealing with, and that if she was going to say anything, she should have left it at the point where she was making me feel better about the situation. The next day (after a VERY inspiring and refreshing sermon in church on Sunday), I let it all go...the feelings for him, the anger over her...all of it.

I know you're feeling me on this ladies--I'm NOT the only one that has been through this or has done something like the above. So my question is, why do we do such things? If you're the "victim" in this situation, how do you handle it? I know in my situation, I played it cool although I was BOILING on the inside...but how are you supposed to react to that, both toward the ex and toward the guy you're dealing (or have dealt) with? I mean, we all want to be able to forewarn another female who is getting themselves into a bad situation (if they haven't already done so) with a guy that we've once been involved with, but why don't we let the other person find out for themselves what he is like, or figure out for themselves how to recover from a situation already gone bad?

When an ex contacts the new girl either bragging or saying nothing but negative things about him or the new relationship possibilities (discreetly or indiscreetly), it gets to the point where it really looks like they are just HATING, especially if they're randomly approaching the person and didn't know them to begin with. Not saying that every woman is hating when they do so...some of them really have good intentions...but we have to turn the tables and see ourselves in the new girl's situation if we had been contacted by an ex. If after we do that, we end up thinking about how upset we'd be if it happened to us, then maybe we just need to refrain from saying anything at all.

I can admit it, once I find out who the "new" girl is that's dealing with the guy that I used to deal with (especially if I still have feelings for him), I sometimes feel very inclined to find out more about them and contact them to tell them to STAY AWAY. To be honest, I think I may have taken action on that once or twice before realizing that it doesn't help anything. It's not going to help the situation with me and that guy, and on top of that, the new chick is going to do what she wants to do regardless. People have to learn for themselves.

Again, some ex-girlfriends will attempt to contact the newbie in an attempt to really help her out, but there are those others that do it simply just to HATE, because they still have feelings for that guy and just don't want to admit to it. But like Mya said in her song The Case of the Ex: "There's no need to reminisce about the past...obviously 'cause that shit did not last..." So my EX-ladies, unless you have some really encouraging words for the current one, keep it moving and let her experience both the happy times AND the painful ones without your help.

Chapter '06: Bringing In Another Year

2006-01-01T11:58:00.000-05:00

Wow...it's 2006 already. It feels like we were just bringing in '05 yesterday. 2005 was quite a year with many good times and bad. There are many moments I'll remember forever and other moments that I still wish to this day that I could forget. However, I can honestly say that over the year, I have grown much, and learned a LOT. 2005 started out very well, with a great new job and positive outlook on the men and women I dealt with, but of course, there were the trials and tribulations of life that occasionally made times hard. Life is life though, and I definitely had my share of lessons for the year.

While I typically try not to make resolutions (I mean, who REALLY keeps them?), I have given myself 10 things to remember for the '06 to help me become even stronger than I am now. First off, due to a minor relapse, my New Year's started at 12:00pm today instead of 12:00am (sigh...a girl got a little lonely and I just had to see him). But I will use that relapse as the first lesson of 2006 (which is to not put myself into bad situations that are never going to change) and I will use that lesson to continue to build strength in the future. I don't have any nasty habits such as smoking, and I already consider myself healthy, so this year's resolutions will take on more of an emotional approach--an approach that will better myself with family, friends, and men, and ME overall. While I know that some resolutions are most likely going to be broken, that's the beauty of it all--testing myself once more to see just how much stronger I can become:

1. NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT I DESERVE-- Okay, I admit, this was last year's resolution. I started out doing well on this one, but kind of lost sight of it as the year went on. But I'm a fighter, and I'm not going to give up on this one so easily. I've had my share of heartaches in '05, and I've learned even more about life and men from those heartaches. Sooo, I'm going to turn those heartaches into positive energy and use it to help eliminate those losers who aren't willing to give me the love that I deserve.

2. DON'T LOOK FOR RELATIONSHIPS-- I actually saw this resolution in someone else's Blog but I was really feeling it and decided to make it one of my own. No longer am I going to date a guy and then immediately start wanting to make things permanent with him. This is a big problem of mine--I always want the security of knowing that the guy I'm talking to is mine and ONLY mine, not considering the fact that a relationship may not even be healthy for me and that person. I learned that from my last heartache...he was doing nothing to make me happy, but yet I wanted a relationship with him. From now on, I'm going to focus on friendships first, and enjoy the single life while I'm a part of it. I'm only 22...why rush a relationship? I should be dating, having fun, and building my database so that I know exactly what I want and don't want when it's time to settle.

3. NEVER PUT IN MORE EMOTION THAN THE OTHER IS WILLING TO PUT IN FOR ME-- I also saw this comment elsewhere and was really feeling it. There will be no more putting into a relationship than he is willing to put out for me. This is how feelings get hurt and tears get cried. This is also what causes one to look a little desperate and ummm, I'm far from that. If it's not 50/50, then I have to move on. No use in hitting rock bottom for someone that ain't thinking about me and don't give a damn about how I feel.

4. VALUE THE FRIENDSHIPS I HAVE, AND LEARN TO BE A BETTER FRIEND--This is going to be a hard one because no matter how much one tries to be a good friend to someone, you never know what kind of friend they are being to you. But like I said in one of my previous entries, it has to start somewhere, and this time around, it's going to start with me. From now on I'm going to be there for all of my friends when they need me, and hope that they do the same for me. I keep a very small number of friends now due to trust issues, but I'm going to learn to value the ones I already have and appreciate them more for what they've done for me. Good friends don't come often, so I'm going to make sure that I keep the ones that mean the most to me.

5. REALIZE THE VALUE OF FAMILY AND LET THEM BE MY FOCUS--So um yeah...my family is slightly dysfunctional and the relationship between all of them is a little tainted, although we ALL live in the same area... BUT, the least I can do is put in my part. I'm going to continue to spend time with my mom, sister, and nephew, but I need to cherish my grandmother, whom I haven't seen since March '05. I'm going to start calling her and going to see her on a regular basis. My father, whom also lives in the area--I'm going to start calling and going to see him as well. Just because the relationship between him and my mother didn't work out doesn't mean that him and I can't have a relationship. His other daughters are close to him, so why can't I be? Family is the core...the love that will ALWAYS be there. I need to start treating it as such.

6. FOCUS ON WHAT EMPOWERS ME-- From now on, I'm going to focus more on what makes me happy: My career goals, the money I make, reading, writing, photography and working out. I'm going to take those things a little more seriously and actually make it worth something in my life--maybe enroll in some photography classes on the side, work on a book, make some moves to get into the entertainment industry with my Marketing degree, etc. I refuse to let anyone take those little things away, because that is what makes me ME.

7. LET GO OF THE PAST AND FOCUS ON TODAY--The past is the past. Learn from the mistakes and MOVE ON. No longer will I dwell on what happened, what didn't happen, or what should have happened. Instead I'm going to take things as they come and focus on that day. Life is too short to dwell on something that can't be taken back. Forgive, forget, and keep it moving!

8. DON'T PUT MYSELF INTO BAD SITUATIONS THAT ARE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE--Ahhh, the first lesson of 2006. If something isn't going to work out, or isn't healthy for me mentally, emotionally, or physically, I'm not going to continue to put myself into that situation...especially pertaining to men. Can't change them...they can only change themselves. THERE WILL BE NO MORE DRAMA!

9. DON'T LET LIFE'S TRIALS AND TRIBULUATIONS GET THE BEST OF ME--No longer will I catch myself losing strength and crying over situations that I can't change. No longer will I let petty situations or people hurt me to the point where I am disliking myself, disliking others, or disliking life all together. I'm going to learn to take life for what it is, and use each situation as a stepping stone to better myself. I'm going to always keep a smile on my face, no matter what happens or what I'm going through...life is good.

10. START GOING BACK TO CHURCH AND GIVING GOD THE PRAISE HE DESERVES--Sad to say, this is going to be the hardest one since I haven't been to church in about three years (or maybe more). I really should have been there today... God has truly blessed me. He has blessed me with a loving family, a good job, a roof over my head, and many other things that make life liveable. I'm ashamed of myself for not having given him a little praise to say THANK YOU for it all. I know He has the power to take all good things away from me at any time, so I need to do what is right and get my butt back into church. When my mother asks me if I want to go, no longer will I say no because of feelings that I'm being hypocritical...instead, I will be happy to join her. It's about time I learn to cherish life and give thanks for everything I've been blessed with.

So readers, what kind of resolutions do you have for the '06? The best thing about sharing resolutions is that you can find someone that has the same new outlook as you and work together toward those goals. Then at the end of the year, you can look back and see just how much has been accomplished. So what will we be accomplishing this year?

Here we go again. Moving on to the next chapter in life...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Recovery: An Endless Attempt

2005-12-29T15:08:00.000-05:00

Ooooh weee, it's been awhile since I've written... At times, things had gotten too hard on me, and it became too much for me to express my feelings to anyone. Instead I would bottle all of my feelings up inside of me and pretend that I was happy, only to go home and cry myself to sleep at night. But it's time to get back into ME and what makes me happy. Although life has been a roller coaster over the past few months (as if it weren't evident in my previous postings), I am glad to say that the person who built that roller coaster for me is no longer a part of my life. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I should say), it wasn't completely my choice...

There is so much on my mind right now, and as much as I want to spill out my feelings on this Blog about how much I can't stand him (or ANY man for that matter), or how much I still want him, or how much I want him to be unhappy, or how much I want us to be back together, or how much I want to see him deal with everything he put me through and made me feel, I'm going to try my best to stay away from saying anything bad about him (or anything at ALL) because like I said, it's all about ME now. God will take care of him...it is not my battle.

So after many arguments and tears, only a couple of days before Christmas, that "wonderful man" in my life finally decided to man up and let me know that it was over--that things weren't going anywhere for us in the future and that it was time to leave each other alone. As much as I knew it was what had to be done (shit, I had tried time and time again to let go, but miserably failed), I didn't want to accept that. I yelled and screamed at him, practically begging for him to give things another chance...but he wouldn't budge. All throughout the holidays, I cried myself to sleep, and hated myself for not being "good enough", once again. I couldn't take it anymore. But now as I look back on the good times and the bad, and how the bad outweighed the good, I have noticed just how much of a relief it is to slowly have that bad weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Now it's time for the hardest part after dealing with the fact that things are going downhill: recovering from it all. This is the part that all women hate--having to deal with those feelings that still aren't quite lost, having to deal with knowing that there's no one there to hold you at night or to share sweet intimate moments with anymore, having to think about doing it all again in the future with someone else who may very well do the same thing, leaving you back in the same place, or the worst part--possibly having to deal with seeing them happy with someone else in the future. Each time I enter into the recovery stage (which has been FAR too many times in my life), it gets harder and harder, taking a piece of me each time. I now find myself building up a wall around myself...a wall that no longer allows me to trust or love again. How can one feel confident about oneself when they are constantly being shot down by one they have learned to care so much for?

So ladies (and men too, if applicable), why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to get into situations with people who only hurt us in the end? Why do we choose to hold on when we know we should just walk away? Why do we wait until it's too late? Maybe we should ask ourselves what makes us fall for these people in the first place? They always say that the signs are there in the beginning, but we choose not to see them. Well, I saw the signs after our first date, which is why I didn't like him in the first place, but I decided to do away with those feelings and give him a second chance after receiving his constant attempts to spend time with me. In fact, the signs were there after our first date, but convinced that I could do better than the past women in his life and change him, I stayed--BIG MISTAKE. I came across an interesting statement today: Never invest too much emotion into one thing. It's always a set up to the pain of losing them. Too bad most of us don't start really thinking about these things until after it's all over.

It's funny because during this situation I received all kinds of advice from people, telling me to walk away and leave him alone, telling him that I was beautiful, smart, kind, and deserved MUCH more than some loser like him...but just like a typical female, I blocked all of that out--I didn't believe it, and didn't live by it. Instead I continued to come up with excuses for him and myself, drilling myself deeper and deeper into the ground--and now here I am, hurt again, trying to get over some nigga that never appreciated me for who I was in the first place. After numerous times, it has gotten quite embarrassing...it sucks when you share your excitement with friends and family, introduce that person to them, and then get screwed over in the end. Sigh...I'm starting to believe the harsh, heartbreaking words that my ex said to me one day, "You're a beautiful and smart girl, but just dumb in the head when it comes to men..."

They say that time is the only way to heal from the pain caused by situations as such, but sometimes time takes too long. I just wish there was an easier way. The part that I hate the most is knowing that I will probably run into him again someday. While it may not be the first time I've had to stand face to face with someone that has hurt me in the past, I don't know if I'm going to be ready for this guy because I'm still hurting, still care about him, and in less than a month, I'll be moving to an area which will require me to go to the same gym as him--I already know that if I run into him, I'm not going to be able to deal with the fact that he's no longer in my reach anymore...not so soon anyway. Maybe I'm just not as strong as I thought I was, or how I used to be. I just want it all to be over...I want to completely erase him from my thoughts, forget about him and his ways, and to find someone that truly wants to be with me and make me happy. My 2005 resolution: Never settle for less than what I deserve. Well, here it is, only days from 2006, and I still haven't learned...I've failed time and time again to abide by that resolution. Do the tears ever end? After dealing with constant bullshit in life, is full recovery ever really possible?

Get it together... (freewrite)

2005-11-21T22:19:00.000-05:00

I can't count the number of times that I've been excited to see him. In fact, there hasn't been one time where I haven't been excited to see him. However nowadays, that excitement never fails to be replaced with disappointment by the time the visit is over. What's happening? Why do I find myself always walking out on him, angry? Why do I find myself driving away upset? Upset with him, and upset with myself for dealing with him? Why do I constantly find myself giving in on my vow to myself to leave him alone until he learns to appreciate what he has from me? I find myself becoming emotionally weak. That womanly strength I had when I first met him--the strength that gave me the ability to live without him, to focus on me and only me before even thinking of putting him in my schedule...is now gone. What has happened to me?

I knew things were starting to go wrong when I shed my first tear from him. That one tear was an indication that my heart was all his, giving him the ability to play with it and treat it however he wanted. Now every frustration I have with him causes pain to my heart--a pain that I don't quite know how to overcome. I try to do things for him to make him happy and to make him realize that I'm here and I'm open...but nothing seems to change. I feel like I got more out of him when I didn't give a damn about him...before I opened up my heart to him. Damn...maybe that's where I made my mistake.

Every moment sparks a certain frustration, and it seems to go round and round in circles, never being solved. Instead it digs a deeper hole and continues to make me more unhappy. Whenever I think that I can be the woman I used to be and move on, I fail. He knows he has me--every time I walk out, it only takes one word from him after I'm gone to make me miss him and send me running back. At the end of the day, I still find myself frustrated and stuck in that same hole.

I often wonder what it is that I see in him. When I first met him, I couldn't stand him, and that was for a reason--he was entirely too stuck on himself and only seemed interested in getting physical with me instead of getting to know me. He was too concerned with his image and how I may make him look bad instead of how I may make him look better. He didn't try to show me off to his boys as if I were the most beautiful woman in his life at that moment (like most men do on a first date), but instead acted as if I were just an accessory to him. I don't know what made me fall for him in the end, because deep down, he hasn't changed. To this day, he still doesn't want anyone to know that he's dealing with me. His excuse is, "we're not in a relationship", but even if we're not, does that mean that he has to refrain from showing the world he's proud to have someone like me around, like I do with him? Ooops...sorry. I guess he's not. I told myself that I would no longer settle for anything less than I deserved, and he provides me with none of that. I deserve everything more than what he gives me:

For starters, we're not in a relationship yet. I understand things take time and can't be rushed, but what hurts the most is that he doesn't even want to think about progressing things in the future. How can we progress toward something he doesn't even think to work on?

He never compliments me or tells me I'm beautiful--the things that every woman needs to hear to put a smile on her face here and there...it makes me wonder what he ever saw in me in the first place, or if he ever saw anything at all. It also makes me wonder if I've become less attractive to him over time. I should be feeling confident when I'm with him, but every day I start to feel less of that. He hardly kisses me, or for that matter, touches me...unless he wants "that thing".

He never appreciates anything I do for him. For example, it always makes my day to provide him with something to eat when he's hungry, or when I'm out getting something for myself. But in the end, I always have to remind him to say thank you, or to show that what I've done means something to him.

He never seems happy to be around me anymore. He'll allow me to come over, but he doesn't want to hold conversations with me. The television, his Treo, and his computer get more attention than I do. When I try to start a conversation, there's always something wrong with something I say or do, thus leaving me to sit in silence, because I'm afraid of what his reaction will be next. He never seems to notice me until I get mad and threaten to walk out the door--then all of a sudden he wants to act right and will try to get me to stay.

He's so beautiful--by far the best looking guy I've had the pleasure of dealing with...or is it really pleasure? The fact that I'm scared to lose him to someone else demonstrates my lack in self-confidence to keep him around. Sadly, at the same time, he does nothing to increase my self-confidence to let me know that he's mine and won't be going anywhere. Therefore, my fear of losing him increases and I do more to keep him around. Unfortunately, he may be staying for the wrong reasons and I'm gaining nothing from it. Instead, the pieces of me are slowly falling apart.

While I shouldn't think of everything as my fault, things have gotten to the point where I do blame it all on me. I've given up on myself and have put everything into him. I continuously allow him to get into my head with the "I'm sorry's" and the "I'm going to try and treat people better" and the "I miss you's", when he really doesn't give a damn and when he's never going to change. I constantly do things for him, and he's taking full advantage of that. I'm convinced that's the only reason he keeps me around. I have to learn to be stronger--when I say I'm leaving, I need to mean it. When I say that I'm no longer going to do anything for him, then I need to STOP doing things for him, whether he's hungry, broke, or lonely. His ways and my actions in response to his ways are making me feel less of a woman...less of the beautiful human being I know that I am. But why does it have to be so hard?

I don't know what to do anymore. My anger is getting the best of me, and I often find myself saying things to him that I don't want to say or that I don't really mean. How else can I prevent myself from feeling like shit every single time I'm around him? I'm not used to feeling worthless or unimportant around a man who calls himself "interested" in me. I'm used to feeling a sense of warmth and happiness...a sense of loving and caring. I'm used to the sweet kisses and thoughtful words to make me feel good on the inside and out. With him, I get none of that. Instead, I get a feeling of coldness...of not being good enough. I give him compliments and do nice things for him all the time, in hopes that he will return the same to me, but it's a failed attempt every time. Not only do I have no idea what to do, but I've run out of things to say. I know I need to let go, but how? How do I just say goodbye to someone that's already embedded themselves in my mind and heart?

I care about him a lot and it pains me to even think of letting him go and cutting him off. But I know that sometimes that's what you have to do--let them go. If he comes back, it was meant to be. If he doesn't, it was not meant to be. I definitely need to let him go and see if he comes back the man that he needs to be if he wants to be with me. I've got to stand up for myself and start loving myself more, before I expect him to be with or "love" me. A quote in one of my favorite songs by Mya: "You're not a man if I gotta tell you how to treat me...and I'm not a woman if I don't stand up for what I believe in..."

I'm so tired. Tired of trying to make myself happy all while trying to find the right one for me--the one that will treat me just as nicely as I treat him...the one where that special feeling will be there on both sides, and at equal levels. Will I ever get it right? Damn. I gotta get it together...

Forgive and Forget?

2005-11-11T08:45:00.000-05:00

Once again, this is more geared toward the ladies (gotta hold it down for us), but some men may be able to relate to it to. While normally I would think of Tyra Banks' new talk show as one of the worst ideas ever allowed on television, the show really caught my attention the other day when she brought up a subject that I could really relate to: FRIENDS--how some of them betray and belittle you, and how you forgive them and overcome those things. The things she discussed really hit close to home for me. She discussed three types of friends: Toppers (those that always have to be one step ahead of you), Samers (those that consider themselves equal to you--a true friend), and Downers (those who always bring out the negative), all of which I have or have had in my life (but that's an entirely different story--might have to save that one for another post). She also discussed betrayal, and how friends will go behind your back and sleep with your boyfriend, etc. However, the best part was when she said to the audience, "Ladies, how come when a man does us wrong, we are quick to forgive him and give him chance after chance, but whenever a friend does us wrong, we don't want to forgive them or ever talk to them again?"

That last line really made me think and realize how much it was true; not only for me, but for most women. The men we allow in our lives can do us wrong every day, but we're still quick to accept their apology and try again--even though they are the ones that come and go. However, the friends in our lives, most of whom have been there for some time, are quick to get cut off (or "poofed" as Tyra termed it) the minute they do something to betray us. Is this right? Should we give our friends another chance if they mess up? I've forgiven some of the friends in my life for doing me wrong just as much as I've cut them off completely for doing me wrong. As mentioned before in a previous post, I've had friends go behind my back and try to get at the same guy that I'm involved with...I've had friends use me for everything I've got...I've had friends say the nastiest things about me behind my back. But what determines whether they're forgivable or not? How can you really "forget" something a friend has done to hurt you...is it even possible to be fixed? At what point can we say that enough is enough, and goodbye?

I've realized that while I would always eventually forgive friends in the past for the mistakes they've made, nowadays it's not so easy to. Why? Because I've had enough. It seems as if the more you forgive someone, the easier it becomes for them to mess up in the future, since they know you'll "get over it" anyway. I'm now accustomed to cutting people off for good once they mess up, and because of it, I find myself with a very small group of female friends...and I mean VERY small. I mean, what's the point of keeping someone around that is constantly out to bring you down? What is a friend that can't be trusted?

I'm in a dilemma now with this girl I met a few years ago that I no longer speak to. Before I befriended her, I had heard that she was the shady type, but I decided to look past that since I don't judge someone up front--I like to find out on my own. We had our ups and downs like all friends do, said some things about each other that weren't too nice at one point or another (like ALL friends do...let's keep it real), but there was one time where I found out that she said something about me that really didn't sit so well with me. I gave her the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. Being that I couldn't reveal my sources, I couldn't really say much to her about it. But I got over it--I forgave her and we became cool again. However, a few months ago, I found her to be talking about me again, but this time it was to the point where the things she said literally made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't even stand to think of her anymore after that without rage boiling up in me. The fact that she could say such things about me (which she had no place in hell to say) and then try to come right back and act like she was my friend is what hurt the most. I sent her a friendly e-mail telling her that our ties were cut, and that I never wanted to speak to her again (I know, its sad, but confronting her personally would have been too much--I would have FLIPPED). That was back in August, and we haven't spoken since then. There have been times where it's run across my mind to speak to her, talk things out, and try to start anew, but that's exactly when I start thinking about the things she said, and it makes me sick again. It doesn't help that we work in the same building and I have to see her here and there. I think to myself, how can I forgive her and forget the hurtful things she said without being on guard in the future? What makes me think she won't go back and do the same shit again? Is it really worth trying to start a new friendship, or am I just setting myself up once more?

I'll be honest--I've done some dirty things to those I've considered my friends in the past, and lucky for me, me and those friends were able to solve those problems and now we're closer than ever. The hardest part is putting the shoe on the other foot--if you were to betray one of your friends in a way that really hurt them, would you want them to accept your apology and take you back, or would you rather them continue to not speak and eventually cut all ties off with you? I don't know too many women who would rather have that friend not talk to them, so maybe we should attempt to turn things around and give them another chance. After all, we all make mistakes...it's a part of life. But is it really worth it? Is forgiving and forgetting just an invitation to be walked over again in the future?

Patience is a Virtue...Or is it?

2005-11-02T12:44:00.000-05:00

Yes, I've come back for a second post in the same day. I have a lot on my mind...

This time around, I want to talk about being patient. No, not being patient while waiting in line at the store or waiting for something to arrive in the mail, but patient in terms of getting what you want out of a relationship. It really comes down to this: What's in a title? Is it really important? What makes some of us so stuck on having a title, when we can get what we want without a title?

This isn't only an issue among those that have been dating/messing around for a short period of time; I've also seen it with couples who have been dating for years. My "aunt" and uncle have been together for well over 20 years and have had five kids, but they still aren't married. Is that just the way society is these days, or is there something more there? Maybe its a fear of commitment. Maybe it's just the fact that there's no point of the "title" because everything to be gained from a real relationship has already been acheived.

Unfortunately, like many of my previous topics, this is more of an issue to women as it is to men. We're the ones looking for that love, that special someone to call "our own", the title, the right to say that he is all ours. Men on the other hand, are completely content without the title most of the time. In fact, to them, that's all it is: A TITLE (by the way, what makes the difference between a "title" and a true relationship?). Because of these differences, women are willing to give, give, give, and men are willing to take, take, take. While we're giving all that we can in hopes that they will see that we care about them and will make a good girlfriend, they're busy enjoying it all, soaking it all in, and taking everything they can, while they can. In the end, the giver usually ends up without, because she's depleted all of her goods and he has them all--and there is still no relationship. It makes sense--why buy the milk if you can have the cow (I think I said that right)? In other words, why bother getting into a relationship if you're already getting everything you want, without the hassle of a relationship and the commitment that comes with it?

It gets frustrating for us women because after a certain point, it becomes hard to stop. You've already caught feelings and have given him your all, and you refuse to stop at that. He's GOING to learn to want to be with us, right? While I'm sure that answer is wrong, my question to all of the guys are, what's the point of sticking around if you don't want to be with us? Why continue to play games and lead us on, when you know that we're both looking for the opposite result in the future? And for those of you that claim you really DO want a relationship in the near future, why all the excuses as to why we can't have it now? What's really the difference between what we do now, and what we'll be doing in the future? There are FAR too many of us women willing to wait around for men weren't even thinking about giving us what we ultimately wanted in the first place.

They say patience is a virtue, but is it really a virtue when it comes to matters of the heart? Do the best things really come to those that wait--wait on another to provide us with what they only think of as a "title"?

Family Ties

2005-11-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

We've all heard it before when it comes to men--the way they treat their mother is the way they will treat every other woman in their life. The way they were raised is the way that they will live and raise their offspring...or is it? At what point can we tell the difference between the way a man was raised and a man's true personality? Can we really blame the ugly part of a man's ways on his past?

For example, I know this guy that hasn't exactly had a good relationship with his mother while growing up. In fact, they still don't have the greatest relationship. You would never think that they were mother/son. No family love shows between them, and the communication level between them is horrid--there is hardly any respect. Wait, let me take that back--there is NO respect. She doesn't act like a mother at all, doing all the motherly things that most of us are used to, and he clearly doesn't know his place as a son. Because of this, the way this guy talks to and treats the women he's dating in his life is enough to make anyone question where his home training is. He is unappreciative of anything his women do for him, talks down to them like he's talking to a child, turns simple favor requests into demands, feels that the world revolves around him and that the woman and her feelings are irrelevant, and has unreal expectations to include dropping everything to learn how to cook for him, acting a certain way, looking a certain way, and keeping her mouth shut when it comes to speaking her mind.

Now any woman in her right mind would leave this man and kick him to the curb--there is no way she is going to sit there and let a man disrespect her like that. But this is where the question "Is it really his fault?" comes in. Can we really blame him for his rude ways when he was never brought up to exercise that respect? Is it his fault that no one ever taught him how to treat a woman, talk to her, or respect her feelings? Is it his fault that his own mother lets him talk to her any way he wants, thus teaching him that it is OKAY to talk down on women and disregard anything she does or says?

This guy I know is a smart guy. He has done everything he could to turn around the errors his family has made in raising him and to make a difference in his own life. He has made many accomplishments on his own, without the help of his family. If he was so motivated to do those things right, why isn't he motivated to change his ways when it comes to women? Is it because he simply doesn't know, or because he simply doesn't care?

In the end I ask, when it comes to a man like that, what should the women in his life who care about him do? Should they attempt to take on the motherly role in their life and stay around, trying to correct his mistakes in the way he talks to and treat them? Or should they leave him alone and let him constantly push away other women until he realizes what he's doing wrong and should change? Are women setting themselves up to be walked all over by sticking around, or are they giving up on him by disregarding what his past has embedded into him?

PRETTY women, or PETTY women?

2005-10-20T08:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, this post isn't so much of a blame game, but rather a discussion--a discussion about women and FOR women to think about (primarily us African-American women, who are the main ones who start and deal with this crap). I'm not going to play the hypocritical role and say that I've only been a victim of what I'm about to discuss, because I know that I'm guilty of some of the same actions. My main question in what I'm about to discuss is WHY?

I've had plenty of female "friends" in my past whom never ended up lasting because of petty situations: either they always feel the need to compete with me, I don't feel good enough for them, they feel the need to take the information I've confided in them about and use it against me, they talk about me behind my back, they're sneaky and shady, etc. In fact, I can't say I know too many women in my life that weren't like this, whether they were close to me or not. It's become the reason that I tend to distance myself from other women. I don't let myself become too close to them anymore, and the end result is I don't have that many female friends. I always tell myself that I need a teammate, not a competitor, and almost every female in my life has turned on me one way or another, because they think I'm out to get them or because they have problems within themselves that they need to solve, and in turn they take it out on other people. Like Lil' Kim says in her song Heavenly Father: "They say the closest ones to ya, be the ones that sneak up behind ya and stick the knife through ya...that's why now I keep my friends to a minimum...check for the ones wit the venom on they tongue..." I know too many women agree with me on that one--it's hard to find a good female friend these days...almost harder than finding a good man.

Sometimes I feel like I've been through it all: I've had those "friends" who can't seem to decide whether they want to be friends with me or not...one day we're cool, and another day they're mad at me for some reason unknown to the world. I've had those "friends" who are only around when convenient and want to use me for all that I've got. I've had those friends who act like they're my best friend and that they're there for me when needed, taking all of my business and information in, only to turn around and use it against me later (with the addition of their own creation of LIES about me) when they feel that the "competition" is too heavy. I've had those "friends" who think the whole friendship in itself is a competition, constantly trying to prove to be one step ahead of every accomplishment I make, or that much better than everything I say or do. Looking back at all of those people (which I have ultimately had to cut from my life), I ask myself, what gave these people the right to even be considered my "friend" in the first place?

These kind of things don't only happen with "friends", but with women in general. We're all guilty of it--going into the club looking our best, and then looking every other woman that walks in the door up and down, picking apart her outfit and judging her based on what she's wearing, what she looks like, or who she's talking to. We're all guilty of talking bad about someone behind someone else's back (friend or not) for one reason or another. We're all guilty of calling another woman a "hoe" or a "slut" or a "bitch" when we don't even know them at all--we only know as much as we've heard from someone else. It's really sad, and it's neverending. No matter how much we try to better ourselves and stop ourselves from those actions, there's so much of it around us that it's almost impossible for us to not be infleunced. There is always that one person who refuses to stop the hating! Again, I'm not an angel--I'm guilty of saying dirty things about other women too, but I've made it a point to try and stop it all. It's sooo hard, but it has to start somewhere. I don't remember where I've heard it before, but one woman said it perfectly: What's the use of hating when we're all beautiful women? We should instead be complimenting each other on how good we all look and how great our accomplishments are in life.

So in the end, I ask, why do these things happen? Why do us women let it continue to happen when we're doing nothing but hurting ourselves and others? Why can't we learn to grow up and handle things like mature people, learn to get along with one another, and see each individual women (including ourselves) as beautiful and blessed, without stepping all over others to acheive that vision? Why can't we all just get along?

Empty

2005-10-19T09:27:00.000-04:00

Yeah, it's been a little while since I've written, but things have been kind of busy. My life consists of working, going to the gym, spending time with my ladies, and spending time with the wonderful new man in my life...well, at least I think he's wonderful. Who's to say what the future will bring?

Every moment I spend with this guy (we'll call him "Sam" for now) usually makes me so happy. I feel like being in his arms is where I'm supposed to be. Every kiss creates so much warmth in my body...it just feels so right. We're not exclusive as of now, but it is definitely my ultimate goal to be with him on a permanent level.

Last night things took an emotional turn for me, causing me to shed my first tear over him. That warmth I usually felt when with him wasn't there. We had a couple of altercations...one of which had him walking out on me, and the other with me walking out on him. Everything he said to me seemed so cold--where his sarcasm usually made me laugh, last night it upset me. The feeling that felt so right before had me thinking, "Maybe this isn't what I want..." Sam and I have only been involved for about a month. Maybe I was being too sensitive--I know that couples have their up's and down's, especially when they're in the stage where they're getting to know each other and all the flaws that they bring with them. I ask myself, "Am I wrong for losing hope so quickly?"

I think sometimes that my past has a permanent effect on the relationships I hold in the future. Every guy that I've really cared about or opened up to has ended up taking advantage of those feelings, using my kindness for weakness, and ended up hurting me in the end. Those few that did really care about me, I ended up brushing off somehow because I was scared--scared that in the end, I was still going to get screwed over like I had with the previous ones. With Sam, our one bad night (which probably wasn't as bad as I perceived it to be) immediately had me thinking, "He doesn't care about me...I should walk away now". At that point I started comparing him to my ex and how he doesn't nearly provide as much affection and emotional support that I'd like him to at times. Maybe I had made the wrong move by moving on too soon.

As I sit back and listen to the things that people tell me about myself, I realize that maybe I'm expecting too much by feeling that every man has to kiss my ass and spoil me to show that he really cares about me. I often find myself getting upset or depressed when the level of affection Sam expresses doesn't coincide with the level of affection that I expect to receive, or when he isn't happy doing the things that make me happy. Maybe I'm the one that is in the wrong and that has problems within myself that needs to be solved. Maybe I really need to learn to care about and love myself before expecting someone else to.

I'm slowly beginning to open up my heart and express my feelings for Sam, but a part of me wants to hold that back because I'm afraid he won't feel the same. I want to be able to fully open up to him, and have him do the same for me. I want him to be able to constantly tell me things to make me smile, keep me happy, hold me when I'm feeling down and tell me things will be okay, and fill that empty space in my heart that hasn't been completely filled yet. I know that its a two-way street and that I have to be willing to do the same for him, which is not a doubt--I know I can provide all of that. My downfall is the fact that I provide it a little too quickly...the result is, I put in much more than they do for me...and then fall hard.

In the end, I don't want to hold everything in and shield my feelings from him in an attempt to save whatever destruction doing so can cause in the end, but at the same time, I don't want opening up too much to be the reason that I lose him. I also don't want my high expectations for a man to be the reason that I lose him--or even let him go. Should I continue to fully express my feelings for him? Should I hold back a little until he opens up to me? Am I expecting too much from him--expecting too much just to gain some affection and fill a void in my life that maybe only myself can fill?

What's Love Got to do With It?

2005-10-09T11:41:00.000-04:00

Love. A word, an emotion, a feeling. A word so important, so serious, but yet treated so carelessly. What is love? What makes one person love another? What's the difference between loving someone and being in love? There are many different answers to each of the above questions, because every person has their own view of what they think love is. However, either way, it is not something to be played with, so why do people use the word as a way to express how they feel about another if they don't mean it? Why is it so easy to say you love someone, but so hard to figure out what love really is?

As I look back on previous relationships with men in my life, I've noticed that the word "love" has been used several times, yet none of those relationships have worked out. It's made me think about whether there really was any "love" there in the first place--whether I really loved them, or if they really loved me. Two of my ex-boyfriends have even gone so far as to say that they were "in love" with me, and wanted me to be their wife. One of them even proposed (and yes I still have the ring)! But if we really loved each other like we claimed to back then, why aren't we together now?

Recently I've had a couple of men in my life that hadn't known me more than a month, but had felt the need to say things that really made me question their motives, and how they really felt about me. One guy said that he cared about me a lot, wanted to be with me, and was willing to wait for me, even if I was currently trying to work out a relationship with someone else. It kind of pushed me away because I had only been out on a date with this guy once--all other times we just happened to be at the same happy hour. Another guy that I was dating for no more than three weeks randomly asked me if I loved him, and then said that he loved me. I'm thinking to myself, whoa...you don't even know me to that extent yet...how can you even associate "love" with me at all? I'm used to witnessing those things coming from us women...saying that they really care about a guy or even "love" them when they hardly know anything about them, but for a man to say that to me seems completely shady. I don't know...maybe I'm being insensitive about it all. Maybe those guys really did (or do) care, but is it really possible to feel so strongly about someone so soon?

Sex is another issue that affects the whole "love" subject, but it's more so an issue with women. Why is it that after we become involved in a sexual relationship with someone, we become so attached? This emotional and physical attachment can be dangerous, as it can cause women to think we care about a man more than anything else in the world and feel that we are "in love" with them. What is all that about? I've heard and read about a chemical in a woman's body that causes this attachment, but damn...is it this same chemical that makes us think we love them? Or maybe it really is love. But once again, if that were the case, then why aren't we with them now? Wouldn't it make sense to only love someone that loves you back?

Love is something that causes so many thoughts to run through my head, because it's such an easy word to say, but when you really think about it, it's a difficult word to explain and analyze. Yes, I know this entry was back and forth and had no real direction, but isn't that what the definition of love is like, with no single meaning or designated direction or path that shows where it's going to end up? Yup...sounds about right.

Enough is enough...

2005-10-07T10:35:00.000-04:00

This one is for the ladies to relate to, but for the fellas to help me understand. Ladies, have you ever had one of those guys in your life that act like they are numb to any kind of feelings or possibilities of a relationship, but will constantly try to communicate with you and spend time with you...and then when you get into an argument or a disagreement, THEY tell YOU to never speak to them again, but yet THEY are always the first ones to run back? What's up with that? What's the point of playing the hard role, if all you're going to do is soften up and come running back anyway? I've had a couple situations of the sort, and I must say that it doesn't make sense to me. If you're not going to be of some worth to my life, then please move on. You've made it clear that you're not interested in me in a relationship basis, so why waste my time?

For example, there was this one guy that I had been dealing with on and off for some time. It was clear that him and I did NOT get along and would never have a future. Notice the words, "on and off". Obviously, we'd stop talking for awhile, but then go back to where we were. Was this my fault? Maybe it was for giving in, but it was him who would always call me first after telling me that we were done. In fact, it happened recently--I was convinced we were done this time, but once again, he contacted me first. Luckily this time around (finally) I said, "fuck it"...I'm not dealing with him anymore because ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Find someone else's time to play with.

It's always worse when you have feelings for that person because every time they leave, your heart is broken and you feel like your world is ending, but when they come back, you breathe a sigh of relief in hopes that you have one more chance to make things right. But now? Uh-uh...I think it's a fucking game. Whenever a guy wants to play those games with me, I treat it exactly as that: a GAME. I sit back and laugh and how much they're losing that game by coming back to me first...by giving in and calling after they've said they never want to speak to me again. I love it!

True, true, I know what the guys are thinking...that you only do it because you just think of us as a "booty call" or something of the sort. But is it really worth your time and effort to waste someone else's time when you could both be going your separate ways and finding someone that you really care about, or someone that really cares about you? Someone that you'll actually STAY with, and not keep going back and forth with? Or maybe it's because you really are feeling that girl but just don't want to admit that you've let your guard down--so you tell her to fuck off, knowing damn well that you want her to stay. I don't know...help me understand because ummm...all things must come to an end, especially if it wasn't going anywhere to begin with.

A New Beginning

2005-10-06T09:01:00.000-04:00

First off, I want to thank a friend of mine, Mr. FBI (www.frozenbeyondice.com/blog), for giving me the motivation to start writing again. The thoughts and opinions shared in his blog has really inspired me to start one of my own. Now it's my turn to spit out some controversial topics, share my experiences, and get some feedback. I just hope my readers feel inclined to participate.

I titled this "A New Beginning" not only because it represents me and the journey I'm currently taking in life, but because I wanted to discuss what it means, what it entails, and how it affects a person's relationship with themselves and others. When a person says that they are "starting over" or are creating a "new beginning" for themselves, what exactly do they mean by that? Does it mean that they are completely forgetting their past as if it never happened? Does it mean that they are attempting to go back and fix the events of their past? Or does it merely mean that they are creating a false cover for themselves for the time being, only to return to their ways in the future? There are many ways that you can take this subject--you can relate it to drugs and alcohol, relationships, or even your education. But I want to discuss "starting over" in terms of one of the most controversial topics to both men and women: SEX.

Now I've decided to speak on this topic because it happens to be something that I'm going through right now. Now I am woman enough to admit that I have made mistakes in my past, most of which I regret and wish I could take back. Back then, I didn't care--I was living my life and told myself I was young, single, and should be free to do whatever I wanted. I had people tell me here and there to change because it was going to affect me in the future, but of course I didn't listen...I was too wrapped up in the lifestyle of being free from commitment. Since those days, I have matured and mentally grown, and am ready settle down with one person (in fact, I was then, but the ones I was interested in didn't want that, so I had no choice). I was lucky at first--right out of college, I was blessed with a guy who was willing to have a relationship with me, despite my past. He agreed that he could not hold that against me, especially when he had done some dirt in his past as well. Him and I didn't work out, and unfortunately, not every guy is like him, willing to put the past behind them, where it should be. Some guys take what you've done in the past very seriously, because it can directly affect how you act in the future.

So there's this guy I'm talking to right now that I'm very much into, and who says he's really into me. In fact, I wouldn't mind taking things one step further and pursing a relationship with him sometime in the near future. I knew it wasn't going to be easy from Day One when he asked me about my sexual past and began to express his feelings on "experienced" women. I let him know my opinion--that it really shouldn't matter if the person is aware of their mistakes and is actively trying to change themselves and erase their old lifestyle. But to him, it's hard to believe that mistakes like that can be forgotten and that your past ways can be changed. I continue to be honest with him about everything he asks, in hopes that he sees that my willingness to be open with him about my past is an indication that I'm willing to put it out there and change it. At the same time, he's open with me about his past (which is faaaar wilder than mine...wow), but yet I disregard it...it doesn't matter to me, because I'm focused on the future with him, not the past with people who obviously mean nothing to me. Shouldn't he be the same way? Yes, there's the double standard issue (the silent killer), but is that really fair? It hurts the most knowing that past mistakes could prevent me from being with a certain someone and affect my future...all for something that can't be taken back. It bothers me to know that people who judge others based on something that happened in the past can be passing up the love of their life because they're so focused on that past.

I guess my main questions are, is it really possible for me to change myself and "my ways" (as he calls it), and be able to settle with one person? If that's the case, why was it so hard for me in the past to realize the damage I was doing to my future and stop it all then? Should he really take my past into consideration when discussing a future for him and I? Does his past matter at all? Of course I already have my own answers and beliefs when it comes to those questions, but I want to know what everyone else thinks. Is a "new beginning" really possible when it comes to sex and relationships?