A New Beginning

First off, I want to thank a friend of mine, Mr. FBI (www.frozenbeyondice.com/blog), for giving me the motivation to start writing again. The thoughts and opinions shared in his blog has really inspired me to start one of my own. Now it's my turn to spit out some controversial topics, share my experiences, and get some feedback. I just hope my readers feel inclined to participate.

I titled this "A New Beginning" not only because it represents me and the journey I'm currently taking in life, but because I wanted to discuss what it means, what it entails, and how it affects a person's relationship with themselves and others. When a person says that they are "starting over" or are creating a "new beginning" for themselves, what exactly do they mean by that? Does it mean that they are completely forgetting their past as if it never happened? Does it mean that they are attempting to go back and fix the events of their past? Or does it merely mean that they are creating a false cover for themselves for the time being, only to return to their ways in the future? There are many ways that you can take this subject--you can relate it to drugs and alcohol, relationships, or even your education. But I want to discuss "starting over" in terms of one of the most controversial topics to both men and women: SEX.

Now I've decided to speak on this topic because it happens to be something that I'm going through right now. Now I am woman enough to admit that I have made mistakes in my past, most of which I regret and wish I could take back. Back then, I didn't care--I was living my life and told myself I was young, single, and should be free to do whatever I wanted. I had people tell me here and there to change because it was going to affect me in the future, but of course I didn't listen...I was too wrapped up in the lifestyle of being free from commitment. Since those days, I have matured and mentally grown, and am ready settle down with one person (in fact, I was then, but the ones I was interested in didn't want that, so I had no choice). I was lucky at first--right out of college, I was blessed with a guy who was willing to have a relationship with me, despite my past. He agreed that he could not hold that against me, especially when he had done some dirt in his past as well. Him and I didn't work out, and unfortunately, not every guy is like him, willing to put the past behind them, where it should be. Some guys take what you've done in the past very seriously, because it can directly affect how you act in the future.

So there's this guy I'm talking to right now that I'm very much into, and who says he's really into me. In fact, I wouldn't mind taking things one step further and pursing a relationship with him sometime in the near future. I knew it wasn't going to be easy from Day One when he asked me about my sexual past and began to express his feelings on "experienced" women. I let him know my opinion--that it really shouldn't matter if the person is aware of their mistakes and is actively trying to change themselves and erase their old lifestyle. But to him, it's hard to believe that mistakes like that can be forgotten and that your past ways can be changed. I continue to be honest with him about everything he asks, in hopes that he sees that my willingness to be open with him about my past is an indication that I'm willing to put it out there and change it. At the same time, he's open with me about his past (which is faaaar wilder than mine...wow), but yet I disregard it...it doesn't matter to me, because I'm focused on the future with him, not the past with people who obviously mean nothing to me. Shouldn't he be the same way? Yes, there's the double standard issue (the silent killer), but is that really fair? It hurts the most knowing that past mistakes could prevent me from being with a certain someone and affect my future...all for something that can't be taken back. It bothers me to know that people who judge others based on something that happened in the past can be passing up the love of their life because they're so focused on that past.

I guess my main questions are, is it really possible for me to change myself and "my ways" (as he calls it), and be able to settle with one person? If that's the case, why was it so hard for me in the past to realize the damage I was doing to my future and stop it all then? Should he really take my past into consideration when discussing a future for him and I? Does his past matter at all? Of course I already have my own answers and beliefs when it comes to those questions, but I want to know what everyone else thinks. Is a "new beginning" really possible when it comes to sex and relationships?