Out With the Old and In With the New...

"And he spake also a parable unto them; No man putteth a piece of a new garment upon an old; if otherwise, then both the new maketh a rent, and the piece that was taken out of the new agreeth not with the old. And no man putteth new wine into old bottles; else the new wine will burst the bottles, and be spilled, and the bottles shall perish. But new wine must be put into new bottles; and both are preserved. No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better." (Luke 5:36-39)

It was in church this morning when we discussed the above passage which focused on the theme, "Out with the old and in with the new." How can we expect to move forward toward the future if we keep looking back and holding on to what's in the past? How can we expect positive change when we continue to hold on to all of the negative things in our lives? I found this morning's message to be particularly inspiring because it only confirmed the promise I had made to myself as I brought in the new year-- to leave everything in 2009 back in 2009. This is a new year...a new decade...and I am embracing a no baggage policy. The past is the past.

I can't tell you how many times I've come across people who claim that "2010 will be the year that I get rid of all the negative people, drama, and situations in my life". I can even admit that I've made that claim for myself in the past. There's nothing wrong with making that promise to yourself...after all, we must learn to speak things into existence. However, I find it funny that the same people who make these claims are the same ones I see making these claims every other week. There's always some kind of problem or something going wrong...always someone in their life that they need to cut out...always someone doing them wrong or treating them a certain unfavorable way. It gets to the point where it's like...is it really "other people" that are causing all the drama and pain in your life? At some point you need to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, is it you? Why is it that you continue to attract all these negative people in your life...people that use you, cheat on you, and do you dirty? Why is it that people don't take you seriously about what you say or do? What we all need to realize is that we can't always place the blame on someone else for our problems-- sometimes WE are the problem, and it is up to US to change what it is that we don't like. As my pastor questioned, how can we expect positive things to happen in our lives if we don't change ourselves and our negative ways? Why is it that we expect everyone and everything around us to change, but don't feel as though we ourselves should change? And most importantly, how can we ask one to pray for us if we don't even pray for ourselves?

In 2010 I do plan on ridding myself of negative people and situations that are hindering me from where I am trying to go...that are only trying to one up and pull from me as opposed to growing with me...but I also know that for me to expect my future to change, I must change some things about me as well. I must change my attitude, change my actions, and change what I will/will not accept in my life. I know that I must learn from my prior situations and not allow myself to make the same mistakes that got me into those situations in the first place. We've heard it said before in several different ways: Attitude = Actions. Instead of constanly asking, "Why me?" we need to realize that the energies we put out will be the same energies we receive:

If you walk around scantily dressed, best believe the people you attract are only going to be interested in getting physical with you.

If you go around flaunting your money and all the material things that you have, best believe you will attract people who are only around you to benefit from your money and those material things.

If you have no problems messing around with men/women who are married or in relationships, then best believe the next man/woman in your life who you care about will cheat on you.

If you walk around with a negative attitude toward work or working in general, best believe it won't be long before you lose your job...and until you change that attitude, you're going to have one heck of a time trying to find a good new job.

If you continue to abuse drugs and alcohol, best believe your health, bank account, and overall status will deteriorate.

If you have no problems disrespecting others-- your family, friends, superiors, etc.-- then best believe others will grow to disrespect you.

If you walk around constantly angry and bitter about the way things are going in your life, then best believe you will continue to run into people and situations who are going to continue making you angry and bitter. Why? Because you expecting a positive change without putting in the positive attitude that is necessary to receive that change.

The list goes on, but the lesson to be learned is, if there is something unfavorable present in your life, LET IT GO. It is the only way that you can successfully bring in new and positive things into your life. Two negative things simply cannot occupy the same space with creating adverse effects. If you are not willing to change the negative attributes that you possess, how can you expect to receive positive outcomes? You reap what you sow, so if you don't like something, change it. Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The solution to that problem? Change. We are not trees who are forced to stand in one place for the rest of our lives. "Out with the old and in with the new"-- let's embrace positive change for the new decade. The rest...leave it behind!

Natural Woman Part II: 3 1/2 years Later...

It was April 6, 2006 when I wrote the blog titled "Natural Woman", marking the beginning of my journey to letting go of my hair relaxer and becoming 100% chemical free. I was two months in at that point-- hadn't had a perm since February 4, 2006. Now here I am, well over 3 1/2 years later, STILL chemical free, and loving it! One year after posting that entry, I cut the perm out of my hair completely. My new growth was about 3-4 inches long at that point, and I finally felt comfortable enough to cut my hair and rock a short 'do, without the permed ends attached. I was nervous-- nervous about what I'd look like, and whether I'd actually be able to manage my hair on my own once it came time to wash it. After all, I'd been permed since I was very young-- I had no idea what how my natural texture would turn out. Would it be tight and kinky? Would it be fine and curly? Would it be manageable, or would it be a complete nightmare? In a nutshell, I can say that I've learned the following about my hair (and natural hair in general) over the past few years:

• My hair is NOT one texture. the top part of my hair grows in straight...the right side and middle grows in coarse and coily, and the left side and back grows in fine and curly (and not to mention twice as fast). How does that happen? LOL.


• Having natural hair does NOT protect it from heat. Yes, it can handle a little more stress without chemicals to add to the damage, but I am far from being protected from split ends or damage! Ask me how many times I've had to cut my hair from damaged ends...


• The products you use really do make a difference. While some products act as my best friend and give me the look I'm going for, others will make my hair turn completely against me, leaving me to look like a hot mess...LOL. Still looking for recommendations, by the way, so if you have some, please share!


• Natural hair really is an issue among people! I never knew just how much attention I'd draw just for a decision I made about my hair...a decision that I believed affected nobody but me.

Since being natural, I've received both positive and negative comments from both men and women, whites and blacks. Most find it amazing and beautiful. I've been asked all about my journey, been ask for opinions, and have had people run to me in excitement just to say that they've made the decision to "go natural too" (even if they really hadn't, or had eventually given in while doing so...LOL). However, I also get the occasional negative comment from those who don't understand why I can't just "get a perm", or why I would choose to go natural and thus walk around with a "nappy head". Sadly, I find that most of the negative comments I've received have been from black men. I've had one in particular proceed to tell me that my hair looked "terrible" in its natural state. This same person also referred to my head as another deragatory term that I refuse to repeat, simply because it displays nothing but pure ignorance (and this is the same person who chooses to throw a texturizer in his hair to make his God-given hair look "better" than what it is...something that his mother also used to do for him when he was younger). We could go into where these negative problems and statements are rooted, but that is a topic for another blog. But whether positive or negative, I've found each and every comment as motivation and inspiration to stay natural. The positive comments make me realize that I'm not alone, and that there are people who use me as their inspiration...the negative comments only make me feel that much more empowered simply because I am able to overcome the stresses that society has put on us to conform to a certain "acceptable" standard and thus spend way too much time and energy on our hair.

Have I gotten frustrated with my hair since going natural? Of course I have. On the days where I choose to straighten my hair, I have to worry about sweating my hair out in the club or gym, or having my hair slowly start to expand on days where there's the tiniest bit of moisture outside. Those times are never good-- not only do I look a hot mess, but I've also wasted whatever amount of time that I spent straightening it. On the days that I do wear my hair in its natural state, I get frustrated on the "bad hair days" where looks and feels like a dry Brillo pad as opposed to the soft, curly 'fro I was going for. I get frustrated knowing that every morning, I have to get in the shower and wet my hair just to get my hair to cooperate. When it comes to natural hair in general, there's always gotta be a plan. Want to wash your hair? Gotta have a plan for what's going to be done to it afterwards. Want to go on vacation? Gotta have a plan for what you are going to do with your hair while there, especially if you want to participate in any water-related activities. I'll be honest-- it's been tempting at times to throw a perm in my hair, simply so I won't have to spend as much time making sure it's neat. But it's when I look back at my pictures of when I was permed and viewing how thin and lifeless it was, or just remembering the amount of time and money I would spend in the salon just to put some smelly, burning "permanent" chemical in my hair that reminds me of exactly why I decided to go natural in the first place.

So now that I've given my update, I want to hear from my male and female readers on their thoughts of natural hair. To the women who are thinking about going natural-- what is it that is making you want to go natural? What is stopping you? To the women who are already natural or are in the process of going natural-- how is/was your journey? What frustrations have you had? What have you enjoyed the most about it? To the MEN-- what do you truly think about women with natural hair? Do you like it/dislike it? What are you reasons for liking/disliking it?

Natural hair is still a big topic/issue among ethnic women, and has recently been becoming even bigger. Everywhere I turn, women are asking me advice about my journey in an attempt to go natural themselves. There are websites everywhere whose primary purpose is to empower and encourage natural women. As discussed in a recent interview on Oprah, Solange (a/k/a "Beyonce's Sister") recently made "The Big Chop" to her hair in an attempt to let go of all the obsessions she had over hair and the stresses she was putting on her hair with the weaves and relaxers. Chris Rock even made a movie about black women's hair, titled "Good Hair", which explores natural hair, weaves, and relaxers, also known as the "creamy crack". But through all the frustrations, negative comments, pros, and cons, that I've encountered through my natural hair journey, I must say that I still LOVE being natural and have no plans on ever going back to a perm. I know that my journey continues, and with each day that passes I still learn more about my hair, and I have much more to learn in the future. Just as I did in 2006, I still encourage every woman to let go of the perms and go natural, and now more than before encourage men to do their research and learn to embrace and encourage it as well.

I Wish I Could Be Your Friend (freewrite)

I wish I could be your friend
I wish I could listen to the stories you tell me about her
...how she makes you happy
...how she makes you sad
...how she's everything you've ever wanted in a woman
But every time I try, I feel the pain of knowing that "she" isn't me

I force a smile...I try to be happy for you
Yet every time I think of you with her, I feel nothing but resentment
I struggle to hold back tears...I try to forget you
But the more I try to forget, the more I remember all the times we shared
...the times you made me laugh, the times you made me cry...
The times that the only thing I could manage to say was "Damn"

I wish I could be your friend
I wish I had the ability to share a platonic love
...to talk to you without wanting to see you
...to see you without wanting to kiss and hug you
...to hug you without wanting to lay next to you
But every time I try, I think about what we once had and how good you once had me feeling

Sometimes I feel as though I'm okay with it all
I feel as though I'm finally ready to let go and move on with my life
"You go back to her and I'll go back to black" as Amy Winehouse once said
But then there's always something to remind me of you...of me and you
...the times we spent together, the conversations we had...
The nights I would lay next to you, running my fingers across your skin

I wish I could be your friend
I wish I could continue to stand by your side
...look into your eyes without getting lost
...hear your voice without getting butterflies
...touch your skin without getting nostalgia
But every time I see you, my feelings rush back faster than she turned your head back in her direction

More than friends we were, but not quite...or maybe not at all
You were here one day but gone the next...changed without warning
My heart still stings from the hurtful things you said as soon as she came back
But then I begin to think about the things you said when it was just me
...you had me fooled, had me feeling like you really cared...
You've stolen my heart...captivated my mind-- and I'm having trouble letting go

I wish I could be your friend
I wish I could tell you that I'll be here for you no matter what
...if you ever need anything, I'll be here
...if you ever need to talk, I'll be here
...if she ever does you wrong or leaves you, I'll be here
But I can't be your friend, because it hurts too bad to know I'd be just that: a friend...

Birds of a Feather Flock Together

We've always been told to "watch the company you keep, because it will ultimately affect the person we become". When we were young, our parents would try to keep us away from certain friends because they were "bad influences". We didn't quite understand it then, but as we grew older, we began to see that people would judge our character based on the actions of those that we kept closest to us.

There was a time that I didn't believe in the statement that "birds of a feather flock together" and that what those around me did had nothing to do with me. To a certain extent I still believe this statement, because we are in fact responsible for our own actions. However, I know that we ARE directly influenced by our environment, and that if constantly exposed to a situation or certain actions, eventually we will begin to unconsciously put ourselves into the same situations and make the same actions.

I can admit that I've seen the above in my own life-- in both high school and in college (and even so far back as middle school), I've had people accuse me of certain actions that were completely untrue, but yet they believed so because of the friends that I kept around me who had made those actions. I've gotten myself into certain unfavorable situations because I was influenced and/or encouraged by those who I kept around me. Now I'm not placing all of the blame on those individuals because like I said, at the end of the day I am responsible for my own actions, but the truth stands that if I had initially surrounded myself by more positive individuals, I likely would not have been exposed to those situations in the first place. With this being said, I now I make it a point to try and keep only those friends who possess the qualities that I want within myself-- positive attitude, respectful of oneself and others, focused on success, etc.

Our reputation is the most important thing we possess-- it affects what people think of us, and ultimately the person that we become. So if part of acheiving a favorable reputation is to watch the company you keep, how exactly do we rid oneself of those "friends" who are negative influences? I asked a friend of mine this question and his response was, "slow, but deliberate"-- but what about those friends who have been there for years, who have helped us through both the good and bad times? How do we just cut someone off and remove them from our lives for the sake of our own reputation?

Dealing with the Past: Love It, or Leave It Alone?

We hear it everywhere: "The past is the past..." In songs, famous quotes, and general advice, we are advised to leave the past exactly where it belongs--in the past. But is this the case for everything that's occured in the past, or is it situational? How far back should one relate one's past to one's future? In terms of failed friendships and/or relationships, is it ever safe to revisit the past, or are we merely setting ourselves up to get the same person, and thus the same result?

I've had quite a few run-ins with the past as of lately. I've been lectured and upbraided about my past behaviors and actions, I've had men in my life move on to rekindle flames with ex-girlfriends, and I've had ex-boyfriends attempt to rekindle flames with me. Each situation is different, and in each situation I've been given different, contradictory opinions about how to handle the past; this thus leads me to believe that there is no correct way to handle the past, and that the way each should handle it is simply situational.

I've been told that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior", thus making it completely acceptable for one to judge another based on their past. For example, all over the place, men and women make decisions on whether we want to pursue a friendship or a relationship with someone based off of what they've seen or been told that person has acted like or how they have treated others in their past friendships/relationships. However, by doing so, are we being smart, or are we simply cheating ourselves and that person of an opportunity to show who they are and to have their trust earned (see previous blog, The Power of Opinion)?

Everyone is capable of change-- they just have to want it enough to implement it within themselves. Those who have displayed unfavorable behaviors in the past, whether it be cheating, succombing to addictions (of
any kind), social backstabbing, or even committing a serious crime, all have the opportunity to change and turn themselves around when they are ready. So, by immediately writing this person off because of their past before you get a chance to know them yourself, you just may be ridding yourself of someone who could have positively changed your life.

I was having a conversation with a friend recently and we both agreed that no one should be judged based on anything that happened before they met the person who wishes to judge them. After all, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes at some point or another. The only thing that really matters is the experience that YOU have with them. So, with that being said, is it really fair to judge one based on their past mistakes or behaviors, even if they have made an honest attempt to change (whether successful or not)? Is it really ever possible to get past one's past?

Now on the other hand, when it comes to rekindling old flames, "the past" becomes a completely different story. I'm sure most of us have been in a situation where we let somebody go or been let go, only to be confronted with that person again in the future. You start to remember the good times you've had as well as the bad, but ultimately find yourself wondering if the "spark" is still there-- if there is ever a chance for you guys to get back together and this time around, make things work. But by digging back into the past, are we simply making a mistake? What makes us think things will be any different than they were last time around?

When it comes to relationships, men/women come and go. Some committed relationships end because of cheating (see blog Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater). Some physical relationships never quite become concrete, but continue to linger on and off until becoming completely burnt out. Some relationships just have individuals that choose to go their separate ways because of differing interests and goals. Whatever the reason, is it ever safe to start things back up again in the future once they have been left in the past? People grow and people change...but will the dynamics between those two individuals ever really change? I quoted singer Mya before in my January 2006 blog The Ex-Files: "There's no need to reminisce about the
past...obviously 'cause that shit did not last." But are some relationships worth a second chance? Is is possible that the person has actually learned from their mistake and is able to make things work the next time around?

Like a good friend of mine told me, "the past is the past for a reason..." So at what point (if any) is it appropriate to leave the past behind and move on? Or, does the past really predict our futures? As mentioned above, by discarding someone that first or second chance, you just may be ridding yourself of someone who could have positively changed your life. But on the contrary, by giving that person that chance, you could also be setting yourself up to get burned...possibly again. You can't move forward if you're constantly looking back, right? So which way do we go?

The Power of Opinion

I think it's amazing just how much opinions influence life. A movie critic's opinion can persuade one to either go see or avoid seeing a movie. A an author's opinion can lead one to live their life by the personal opinion that they read in that book. An individual's opinion can lead another to think of something or even someone in either a negative or positive way, thus completely distorting the mindset of another and causing them to judge before they experience on their own. It's the latter type of opinion that I choose to focus on tonight-- the power of an individual's opinion over another in terms of getting to know a third party.

We've all been told never to judge a book by its cover. I've had people tell me things about the men and women in my life that were unfavorable, but never once did I let that person's opinion destroy my view of that person. Why? Because I believed it was unfair to the person being talked about for me to judge them based off of what someone else told me as opposed to me getting to know them myself and finding out on my own. I figure that a person's opinion should be an explanation of one person's personal experience, but not necessarily the basis for a second person's future actions. If I ended up getting burned like I was told, then hey, lesson learned. But I still felt good in my heart that I did not let someone else's negative opinion persuade me to write that person off before I got to know them myself. After all, you never know what each person in your life is put there for.

Similarly, I've had others say negative things about me that have caused people to look at me differently, say or call me dirty things, and even be so bad as to avoid me all together in terms of developing both friendships and relationships. And why do they choose to avoid getting to know me themselves? Yup, you've got it-- because they are too afraid of what another person's opinion will become of them. I sometimes find it humorous, especially when a particular person's opinion is in all actuality a blatant LIE, but yet they still somehow managed to have the power over another person's mindset and views, completely cheating someone of the opportunity to show their own personality and true colors, and cheating the other person of the opportunity to get to know what could possibly be a great person who could change their lives.

All over the place you have people giving you their two cents or "giving advice" as many like to call it, and then following it up with, "...but that's just my opinion." At the end of the day, everyone has their opinion about something...but as individuals who are only trying to make the best choices for themselves in life, how do we decide which opinions are important versus those that are unimportant? How do we distinguish one's opinion being just that-- an innocent opinion, versus one that's just someone "hating"? How can we really validate anyone's opinion if we have not taken the time to go through the experience on our own? Why is it that other people's opinions and what they think so damn important to us? Is it impossible to pursue one's own happiness without considering the input of another?

Men, Women, and the Ability to Move On

I've never quite understood why it's always so easy for a man to walk away from a relationship, yet so hard for us. Some think that it's because women dive into situations with their feelings and emotions head first while men take months or even years to express those feelings and emotions, or even realize that they have them. Some think that it's because he never really cared about that particular woman in the first place. But regardless of whether it's one of those reasons or the other, my question is, why is it so easy for men to completely disregard the feelings of us women anyway? Why is it so easy for them to just completely throw away something after having put a given amount of time into it?

I write my blogs only when inspired. As the title of my blog states, I write about my trials, my tribulations, and my life-- whether it be something that has affected me directly, or something that I see affecting someone that I care about. My last blog entry was inspired by both: by how I currently feel, and from what I've been witnessing lately, is the way a lot of women feel. It all boils down to one thing-- how we are being and how we have been treated by men, and how we always seem to be the only ones left picking up the pieces and struggling to move on. Now this blog isn't meant to be a male-bashing entry or anything of the sort, but this one is solely for the ladies to relate to and for you fellas to comment on. All we want to know is, why is it so easy for you to act the way you do? To live life every day, acting as if you don't care (and we know you do...you're just better at concealing it) and that feelings are never an issue? To jump from woman to woman, claiming that you are "emotionally unavailable" and unwilling to love? To take full advantage of a woman's feelings for you and use them for your own personal and physical benefit? To be here one day, and gone the next? Why is all of it okay to you? What about us? What about our thoughts...our feelings...our hearts?

Putting myself out there for a moment: I've been in situations where I've spent days, weeks, or even months crying my eyes out over a guy who had just randomly walked out of my life, while he seemed to move on the following day (if not immediately), never look back, and be just fine. I didn't understand it, but eventually learned to accept the fact that it wasn't meant to be, and that he apparently just wasn't into me as much as I was him. But one situation in particular I found (and still do find) extremely difficult to understand. Me and this guy started out just friends...hanging out, going on "dates", and having fun. After a few months, things got a little more intimate, and although we had not established a relationship, we remained cool. But eventually things took a turn for the worst. We went through many "on and off" periods where we would talk, then don't talk. Ultimately things turned ugly, with the end result being him completely turning his back on me and ending up in a relationship with someone else. It hurt like hell, and I will never forget that day. But I finally came to terms with myself and thought, okay fine. Him and I aren't meant to be...they obviously are. But even if him and I did not work out from a relationship standpoint, what happened to the friendship we had developed? What happened to all of the talks we had...the good times we shared...the laughing, and joking...the times I was there for him and him for me? Was he really just going to throw it out the window and proceed to treat me like a complete stranger? Well, he did...and did so without any regret or remorse. The almost 2-year friendship I THOUGHT we had built was gone, just like that. It's been months since we've spoken so much as one word to each other, and that alone hurt me more than him breaking my heart. I will NEVER understand Why it had to end that way. I mean, I knew he loved her, but did our friendship really mean nothing for him to just let it all go so easily?

I know that us women are to blame for a lot of what we put ourselves through-- we often have the inability to see the truth when it's right in front of us, we have the constant tendency to only hear what we want to hear and twist everything men do and say to fit to our liking and what we want to hear, and we also have the tendency to hold onto a failing or failed relationship, with the hope that we can somehow convince him that we are "the one". We are wired completely differently when it comes down to love and relationships. But regardless of our emotional differences, we all have feelings. Yes, we know you guys have feelings too-- so why is it a sin to express those feelings and love back? You know that us women love hard, have delicate feelings, and want to do nothing but give you the deepest of our love and affection. So why is that so hard to reciprocate if you know you feel the same way? For those who don't feel the same way, why is it so hard for you at least understand what we go through and try to respect those feelings as you part ways?

What goes around comes around, so next time you're walking away from a situation in a woman, why not ask yourself, how would you feel if a woman you cared about-- truly cared about-- just picked up and walked away, showing no remorse or paying no mind to everything you thought you had built?