What Can't Be Undone (freewrite)

They always told me this would happen, but I didn't listen. Even so, it was already too late. The damage was already done; my future already burnt. The past is supposed to be exactly that--THE PAST. But what happens when that past directly affects the present? The future? What is one to do? How can one move on with life if their past is constantly haunting their future, scaring others away while in the process? I know I've made many mistakes in my past...in fact, I knew they were mistakes as they were being done. But what happens, happens, and once they happen, they can not be taken back. So how am I supposed to happily live my life with something that's already permanently engraved as a part of me and unable to be erased?

The things they used to tell me never used to hurt me or ring a bell until it really hit home and I had someone I really cared about and wanted to be with leave me for that reason. I could never understand why he stayed around and played along for so long when he knew the truth from the beginning--but the fact is, in the end, it was still grounds for my dismissal. I would argue with him, be angry, and end up hurting when my past was discussed, trying to validate my actions, his wrongness for judging, and prove that I had changed, but when it was over and done, all I could think about was how right he was, and how others had told me that exact same thing back when I would do my dirt and not care. But what can I do? I can't change what has already happened, and I damn sure can't be expected to stay single for the rest of life because of some dumb mistakes I had back when I had lost faith in myself--and in my God. There has to be someone out there willing to look over what is already done...or is there?

Only God knows just how much I wish I could take every one of those mistakes back--how I wish I could start all over. Then again, I know that I should not regret the past because I know it was God Himself who put those situations in my life, and I know that He did so for a very good reason. I only wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain of those mistakes every time someone judges me...but even with that pain, I try not to lose hope that something good will come out of each and every mistake, and each and every lesson learned.

I never wanted to live life that way...in each situation, all I wanted was to be happy with that one person, but it never ended up that way. It wasn't my fault that I gave my all only to be used and abused in the end. At times I would hit rock bottom, crying and praying that things would change...that I would be able to settle down with one person and be happy, and have the feelings be mutual...that someone would see me for the person I was and not for the past that I had. But when I reached the point where I was about to break, Jesus saved me and kept me up...He kept the hope and love alive in me and let me know that He was still there, even when the others weren't. My past may have hurt, and still may hurt to this day, but where someone else judges me and disassociates themselves with me because of that past, I know that He is still right there by my side, carrying me through each trial, each tribulation, and leading me to the brighter day He has in store for me. If the others don't like it, who are they to judge? This is a struggle between me, myself, and God that I WILL get through, and when its over and done, that special person will be there waiting for me, caring only about me and the person that I am on the inside instead of the person I was some years ago.

I'm trying to change--no wait, let me fix that...I HAVE changed, and I will no longer let my past get me down and get the best of me. I AM a child of God, and while others may not forgive me for what I have done wrong, I know that HE will, and that's all that should matter. I gotta keep my head up and keep moving forward. I cannot...I WILL not...let my past keep me down any longer.

The Ex-Files

DISCLAIMER: Before I begin this entry, I need to make it clear that this entry is not meant to bash any certain reader I may have (shoot, at this rate, maybe I should say readerS) or start anything, but instead just meant to discuss a topic that many women have been through at least once in their past, whether they are the victim or the one committing the crime... To "those readers", please do not jump to conclusions.

Now here's a little background as to why I wanted to write this entry: Okay well, this past weekend I got a random message from someone regarding a guy that I used to be involved with--it was one of his ex's. Needless to say, this isn't the first time I've been contacted about this person, but while the other person had something really nice to say, spoke her piece (which was VERY nice) and disappeared, this time around it was different. This time, the person STARTED OUT saying things to make me feel better about the past situation, but then turned things around into what seemed like a looong bragging session, telling me all the great things about the relationship they once had, how great things were with their friendship now, how he tells her about other women he's been talking to and how he also wants to get back with her and blah blah blah. Point is, it seemed like she was validating his every wrong action AND at the same time making me feel like she was better than me when it came down to being involved with him. In the end, I ended up feeling the complete opposite than I should have--I ended up feeling MUCH worse about it. In fact, I ended up completely heated, angry, and ready to inflict pain among that particular guy...LOL. However, after consulting a couple of my best friends about it all and they pointed out to me that it's not HIM that made me mad, and I shouldn't get so upset about him or about the situation at all. They pointed out to me that it was HER that I was really mad at; this girl was completely wrong for coming to me like that with information that would only increase and prolong the pain I was still dealing with, and that if she was going to say anything, she should have left it at the point where she was making me feel better about the situation. The next day (after a VERY inspiring and refreshing sermon in church on Sunday), I let it all go...the feelings for him, the anger over her...all of it.

I know you're feeling me on this ladies--I'm NOT the only one that has been through this or has done something like the above. So my question is, why do we do such things? If you're the "victim" in this situation, how do you handle it? I know in my situation, I played it cool although I was BOILING on the inside...but how are you supposed to react to that, both toward the ex and toward the guy you're dealing (or have dealt) with? I mean, we all want to be able to forewarn another female who is getting themselves into a bad situation (if they haven't already done so) with a guy that we've once been involved with, but why don't we let the other person find out for themselves what he is like, or figure out for themselves how to recover from a situation already gone bad?

When an ex contacts the new girl either bragging or saying nothing but negative things about him or the new relationship possibilities (discreetly or indiscreetly), it gets to the point where it really looks like they are just HATING, especially if they're randomly approaching the person and didn't know them to begin with. Not saying that every woman is hating when they do so...some of them really have good intentions...but we have to turn the tables and see ourselves in the new girl's situation if we had been contacted by an ex. If after we do that, we end up thinking about how upset we'd be if it happened to us, then maybe we just need to refrain from saying anything at all.

I can admit it, once I find out who the "new" girl is that's dealing with the guy that I used to deal with (especially if I still have feelings for him), I sometimes feel very inclined to find out more about them and contact them to tell them to STAY AWAY. To be honest, I think I may have taken action on that once or twice before realizing that it doesn't help anything. It's not going to help the situation with me and that guy, and on top of that, the new chick is going to do what she wants to do regardless. People have to learn for themselves.

Again, some ex-girlfriends will attempt to contact the newbie in an attempt to really help her out, but there are those others that do it simply just to HATE, because they still have feelings for that guy and just don't want to admit to it. But like Mya said in her song The Case of the Ex: "There's no need to reminisce about the past...obviously 'cause that shit did not last..." So my EX-ladies, unless you have some really encouraging words for the current one, keep it moving and let her experience both the happy times AND the painful ones without your help.

Chapter '06: Bringing In Another Year

Wow...it's 2006 already. It feels like we were just bringing in '05 yesterday. 2005 was quite a year with many good times and bad. There are many moments I'll remember forever and other moments that I still wish to this day that I could forget. However, I can honestly say that over the year, I have grown much, and learned a LOT. 2005 started out very well, with a great new job and positive outlook on the men and women I dealt with, but of course, there were the trials and tribulations of life that occasionally made times hard. Life is life though, and I definitely had my share of lessons for the year.

While I typically try not to make resolutions (I mean, who REALLY keeps them?), I have given myself 10 things to remember for the '06 to help me become even stronger than I am now. First off, due to a minor relapse, my New Year's started at 12:00pm today instead of 12:00am (sigh...a girl got a little lonely and I just had to see him). But I will use that relapse as the first lesson of 2006 (which is to not put myself into bad situations that are never going to change) and I will use that lesson to continue to build strength in the future. I don't have any nasty habits such as smoking, and I already consider myself healthy, so this year's resolutions will take on more of an emotional approach--an approach that will better myself with family, friends, and men, and ME overall. While I know that some resolutions are most likely going to be broken, that's the beauty of it all--testing myself once more to see just how much stronger I can become:

1. NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT I DESERVE-- Okay, I admit, this was last year's resolution. I started out doing well on this one, but kind of lost sight of it as the year went on. But I'm a fighter, and I'm not going to give up on this one so easily. I've had my share of heartaches in '05, and I've learned even more about life and men from those heartaches. Sooo, I'm going to turn those heartaches into positive energy and use it to help eliminate those losers who aren't willing to give me the love that I deserve.

2. DON'T LOOK FOR RELATIONSHIPS-- I actually saw this resolution in someone else's Blog but I was really feeling it and decided to make it one of my own. No longer am I going to date a guy and then immediately start wanting to make things permanent with him. This is a big problem of mine--I always want the security of knowing that the guy I'm talking to is mine and ONLY mine, not considering the fact that a relationship may not even be healthy for me and that person. I learned that from my last heartache...he was doing nothing to make me happy, but yet I wanted a relationship with him. From now on, I'm going to focus on friendships first, and enjoy the single life while I'm a part of it. I'm only 22...why rush a relationship? I should be dating, having fun, and building my database so that I know exactly what I want and don't want when it's time to settle.

3. NEVER PUT IN MORE EMOTION THAN THE OTHER IS WILLING TO PUT IN FOR ME-- I also saw this comment elsewhere and was really feeling it. There will be no more putting into a relationship than he is willing to put out for me. This is how feelings get hurt and tears get cried. This is also what causes one to look a little desperate and ummm, I'm far from that. If it's not 50/50, then I have to move on. No use in hitting rock bottom for someone that ain't thinking about me and don't give a damn about how I feel.

4. VALUE THE FRIENDSHIPS I HAVE, AND LEARN TO BE A BETTER FRIEND--This is going to be a hard one because no matter how much one tries to be a good friend to someone, you never know what kind of friend they are being to you. But like I said in one of my previous entries, it has to start somewhere, and this time around, it's going to start with me. From now on I'm going to be there for all of my friends when they need me, and hope that they do the same for me. I keep a very small number of friends now due to trust issues, but I'm going to learn to value the ones I already have and appreciate them more for what they've done for me. Good friends don't come often, so I'm going to make sure that I keep the ones that mean the most to me.

5. REALIZE THE VALUE OF FAMILY AND LET THEM BE MY FOCUS--So um yeah...my family is slightly dysfunctional and the relationship between all of them is a little tainted, although we ALL live in the same area... BUT, the least I can do is put in my part. I'm going to continue to spend time with my mom, sister, and nephew, but I need to cherish my grandmother, whom I haven't seen since March '05. I'm going to start calling her and going to see her on a regular basis. My father, whom also lives in the area--I'm going to start calling and going to see him as well. Just because the relationship between him and my mother didn't work out doesn't mean that him and I can't have a relationship. His other daughters are close to him, so why can't I be? Family is the core...the love that will ALWAYS be there. I need to start treating it as such.

6. FOCUS ON WHAT EMPOWERS ME-- From now on, I'm going to focus more on what makes me happy: My career goals, the money I make, reading, writing, photography and working out. I'm going to take those things a little more seriously and actually make it worth something in my life--maybe enroll in some photography classes on the side, work on a book, make some moves to get into the entertainment industry with my Marketing degree, etc. I refuse to let anyone take those little things away, because that is what makes me ME.

7. LET GO OF THE PAST AND FOCUS ON TODAY--The past is the past. Learn from the mistakes and MOVE ON. No longer will I dwell on what happened, what didn't happen, or what should have happened. Instead I'm going to take things as they come and focus on that day. Life is too short to dwell on something that can't be taken back. Forgive, forget, and keep it moving!

8. DON'T PUT MYSELF INTO BAD SITUATIONS THAT ARE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE--Ahhh, the first lesson of 2006. If something isn't going to work out, or isn't healthy for me mentally, emotionally, or physically, I'm not going to continue to put myself into that situation...especially pertaining to men. Can't change them...they can only change themselves. THERE WILL BE NO MORE DRAMA!

9. DON'T LET LIFE'S TRIALS AND TRIBULUATIONS GET THE BEST OF ME--No longer will I catch myself losing strength and crying over situations that I can't change. No longer will I let petty situations or people hurt me to the point where I am disliking myself, disliking others, or disliking life all together. I'm going to learn to take life for what it is, and use each situation as a stepping stone to better myself. I'm going to always keep a smile on my face, no matter what happens or what I'm going through...life is good.

10. START GOING BACK TO CHURCH AND GIVING GOD THE PRAISE HE DESERVES--Sad to say, this is going to be the hardest one since I haven't been to church in about three years (or maybe more). I really should have been there today... God has truly blessed me. He has blessed me with a loving family, a good job, a roof over my head, and many other things that make life liveable. I'm ashamed of myself for not having given him a little praise to say THANK YOU for it all. I know He has the power to take all good things away from me at any time, so I need to do what is right and get my butt back into church. When my mother asks me if I want to go, no longer will I say no because of feelings that I'm being hypocritical...instead, I will be happy to join her. It's about time I learn to cherish life and give thanks for everything I've been blessed with.

So readers, what kind of resolutions do you have for the '06? The best thing about sharing resolutions is that you can find someone that has the same new outlook as you and work together toward those goals. Then at the end of the year, you can look back and see just how much has been accomplished. So what will we be accomplishing this year?

Here we go again. Moving on to the next chapter in life...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!