Musical Therapy (freewrite)

The sun hasn't shined today at all
A funny thing...you haven't called
Tell me why?
Or should I be asking, how should I respond to it all?
Times were good...I wish you were around more
I can feel you at my door
But it's not you...it's someone else
What can I do? What did we do?

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

You tell me you've made up your mind
I'm not gonna cry
It wouldn't be the first time
See I deserved it
It's my own heart that hurts me
I'mma brand myself the fool
'Cause I fell in love with you

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

I try to turn it off
But it's hard to see
Through this emptiness
Slowly breaking me
Baby hurt me just a little less
Then I can start to breathe
But still your heart is out of reach...

I should have known
It was right in front of me
Screaming "Girl, JUST WALK AWAY...see, it can't ever be."
We carried on making our mistakes
I was thinking love was free
But now you've taken part of me...

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

-Joss Stone, What Were We Thinking

Music is my therapy-- my second therapy next to writing. I find it amazing how some lyrics can speak exactly how you feel when you can't seem to gather your thoughts to decipher your own feelings. Lately I've had some events occur in my life that have been so painful and anger-provoking that I've found it extremely hard to express the way I feel...thus directly affecting my ability to write blogs, and even my ability to write in my own personal journal. Some would argue that nothing or no one should be able to get to me enough to prevent me from doing what I love, but the truth is, people have feelings...people deal with issues...people aren't perfect. I try my best to play the strong, tough-skinned one, but sometimes it all becomes too much. I'm human. So when writing doesn't work, I turn to music as my backup to calm me down. Although the lyrics sometimes just stir up even more emotions, at least it allows me to gather my thoughts and come to realization with my feelings through someone else's words.

I love the song above not only because it speaks exactly what my heart feels, but also because I love the way it was written. The song isn't called "What Was I Thinking", but instead "What Were WE Thinking". She holds not only herself accountable for her feelings, but also the opposite party because she didn't get herself there alone. Yes, she set herself up by getting her feelings a little too involved and she recognized that, but at the end of the day, she asked, what were WE thinking. Yup...takes two to tango. One of my other favorite parts is at the end where she acknowledges the voice in the back of her head that told her to just walk away...but yet she continued to make the same mistakes anyway. Then at the end of the day once the other party breaks her heart and walks away, she's left with herself as well as the question, what are we going to do now?

But back to the subject of music-- I focus primarily on lyrics when I listen to music, which is what I think enables me to enjoy all genres. What matters to me are the songs that speak to me, make me feel a certain way and take me "there" (nostalgia)...it's not all about the beats or the ones I can dance to the hardest in the clubs (which are usually the songs that aren't talking about a damn thing). There's so much more substance to music other than how hard you can shake your ass or what society EXPECTS you to listen to. I sometimes sit here for hours on end with my headphones on, reminiscing on the good times and the bad-- smiling and laughing at the funny moments certain songs remind me of, and shedding tears over the songs that make me think of certain people or hurtful situations. Yeah...music has just that kind of effect on me. As a matter of fact, I think I've been sitting here for 2 hours and counting, just listening to whatever my iTunes gives me...a bad habit that has resulted in many late nights and wasted days. Playing Now: Since I've Been Loving You, by Corinne Bailey Rae.

Sometimes I start to think, what if music is not enough? What if neither my writing or my music can heal me? What happens when I try to write and find myself at a loss for words...but then turn my my music only to find that it's not loud enough to drown out the 10 million thoughts going through my head? What or who do I turn to then? I know that's the point that I should turn to God and prayer to ease the uncertainty, eliminate the negative feelings, and bring me to peace, but.......

So yes...music is my therapy. And its successfully done the job once again, because here goes yet another blog entry. Love it. I think I'll move on to my journal now...but first, another one of my favorites, from the Wanted soundtrack:

I believe I can see the future
As I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I’ve been told
I really don’t want them to come around

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I’m happy here
Sometimes...yet I still pretend
I can’t remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end...

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I’m hoping, someday, you might find
Well I’ll hide it behind something
They won’t look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could’ve been any other way
But I just don’t know...I don’t know what else I can do...

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

-Nine Inch Nails, Every Day Is Exactly the Same