Too Picky, or Just Refusing to Settle?

So after posting my profile and what I was interested in/looking for in a guy on an Internet dating site this past week**, I received the following response from a gentleman which surprisingly caught my interest and made for an intriguing conversation and blog topic:

"First off, this isn't an angry email, just an observation. I've read a lot of ads from women who are 'losing hope for the men in this area' that then proceed to outline a laundry list of exacting specifics for the man they seek. Its possible that narrowing your focus (please don't read: lowering standards) so much has basically created an imperfect adonis. I myself meet almost all of your criteria, and without sounding arrogant am a damn good 'catch'. However, not meeting all of the criteria would most likely rule me out of even the possibility of a date. The right person often comes in an unexpected form, and may have been passed over because of superfluous expectations. Like I said, this is not an angry email, its just an observation gleaned from reading many ads. I wish you luck in your search. "

My response to this stranger was as follows:

"Thanks for your e-mail...you do bring up a very good point. You're right, and I sometimes feel the same way when I read through men's ads who also have a list of what they want in a woman. However, there's a difference between having 'preferences' and having 'requirements', and I believe that in my ad, I said I PREFERRED such characteristics. It's just like a job advertisement-- they have a list of required knowledge, skills and abilities, and they have a list of desired knowledge, skills, and abilities. While the required KSAs will lead the hiring manager to throw the resume in the trash, the desired KSAs don't-- because they are only desired traits. A candidate will still have an equal chance if there is something else attractive about them to outweigh those traits they lack. That's just the way I see it..."

He later wrote back and said that I was right, and that he later wanted to take back his comment after realizing that I had only listed my "preferences." But to the point-- now while I broke down my response to suggest the differences between "requirements" and "preferences", I found it slightly disturbing for him to suggest that some of us hold our expectations too high, thus making it hard for those who don't meet those expectations to have a chance. He suggested that narrowing one's focus doesn't necessarily mean lowering one's standards; however, I would have to disagree, particularly when it comes down to the "requirements" we have. If we know what we want and what will make us happy, why should we accept any less? Okay true, there is no "perfect" person and we are going to have to compromise in some areas to compensate for others ("preferences"), but if I know I loathe a man that smokes cigarettes, why would I open myself up to dating someone who does? If I know that I prefer someone who is taller than me when I put on a pair of heels, why would I date someone who is the same height as me when I'm barefoot? LOL, okay, I know the latter example is petty, but you see where I'm going here. Point is, if there is something that is so very important to us in a future mate, why would we even waste our time dating someone who doesn't possess those traits? I hope I'm not contradicting myself here, but again, this is more in regards to the "requirements" we set as opposed to the "preferences" we can overlook.

I've had a few people tell me before that I set my expectations too high, but I would beg to differ-- I just know exactly what I want, what I don't want, and what I can put up with. Just like Gabrielle Union's character mentioned in the film "Daddy's Girls" (and the following statement is more geared toward African-American women), it's extremely hard these days for us professional, college-educated, well-spoken, put-together women to find a suitable man with similar and desirable traits who actually LOOK like her (in terms of race-- oops, is that another high expectation???). I told those people then just like I tell them now-- I will NOT lower my expectations, because I refuse to settle for anything less. I want what I feel I need to be happy (in all aspects-- physically, mentally, and emotionally), and even more importantly, what I feel I deserve.

Another thing I found interesting about his response is that he focused primarily on women, making it seem as though we are the only ones who set expectations for ourselves. Of course we know that is certainly not true, and if you ask me, I feel as though men set higher expectations. Without going into some of the disgusting dating ads that I've seen or opinions that I have heard, men are worse: our skin has to be a certain color, we have to be a certain weight, our hair has to be a certain length, we have to look like a certain model...the list goes on and on, and these are all completely shallow and mindless characteristics. Call it "preferences" if you want, but I'm sorry, there are several men who make these their "requirements." Why should we be the only ones expected to narrow our focus when all of the things that we look for are in fact completely valid things to ask for in a man?

I guess my ending question at this point is, why is it that opening ourselves up to anyone and anything is considered having "no/low standards", yet knowing exactly what we want and refusing to settle for less is considered setting "superfluous expectations"? Are those of us who have a defined list of expectations in fact too picky? Is that the reason why some of us haven't found the right person and constantly find ourselves unhappy? Is it really worth lowering our expectations just to provide ourselves with just a mere chance of meeting someone who makes will make us happy in the end?

**Yes, I do visit internet dating sites on occasion and have no shame doing so. Not only is it 2009 and the Internet is becoming the way of the world, but doing so provides you a way of connecting with people from all areas and races without having to conveniently run into them, as opposed to the usual bar and club scene where you tend to run into the same people who all know each other. Also, most people on dating sites are there looking for the same thing, so you already skip a bunch of the bull from the start. It's actually been quite entertaining seeing some of these responses...my best friend can concur...LOL**