Reflection, Change and Regression
"The more I know, the less I understand...and all the things I thought I knew-- I'm learning them again..." --India Aire, The Heart of the Matter
Wow, it's been a little over two years since my last post on Blogger. Unfortunately after things took a turn for the worse with the "beau" I mentioned in my last entry, I decided to move to LiveJournal.com and post only private journals to express my deepest, innermost feelings that I just couldn't share with everyone. While my journals (which I still do write) allow me dig deep into my emotions and feelings and come to terms with myself, I must say that writing them has caused quite a change-- a change in my writing style, the way I express myself, and the way I handle my feelings. I find myself only having to urge to write them when something is wrong-- when I'm mad, sad, angry, depressed, or confused. I was inspired to write blogs again after meeting and befriending a very special young lady who also writes blogs of similar nature. To her: thanks girl-- as you said, writing is therapy. Blogs in particular provide a different sense of therapy in that it helps open up and stimulate the mind as well as allow you to observe different points of view as your readers comment.
It's a little difficult to shift gears and begin writing a blog again when so much has happened and so much has changed. I guess that's what life is about though. My journal is titled "Trials and Tribulations" for a reason, right? Well, trials and tribulations are exactly what I have gone through as I look back and read through my old blogs, and my old journal entries. Some make me laugh, because I look back at some of the people and things I used to stress and complain about, and how all are nothing but faint memories in my mind now. Some make me cry, because I still feel the pain that I felt when I wrote the entry and the pain from the effects those things have had on me to this day. But most make me shake my head, because I realize that in reality, most things have NOT changed. I've said it before, and I'll say it again-- the more things change, the more things stay the same.
My last entry was about maturity-- about growing up and moving on from the young-minded things and acting like the adults that we are. However, I think about my current lifestyle and find that its completely contradictory to most of what I used to write. Not just that one entry, but several of the previous ones. Nowadays, I find myself in the middle of the party scene more than ever ("Growing Up"). I find myself continuing to lie and cheat on those who felt strongly about and loved me ("Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater"). I find myself being that same type of girl that I complained about in the entry "The Ex Files". I find myself caught up in the drama of crazy "love" situations that I never thought I'd be a part of, and never wanted to be a part of. It's sad because I sometimes step back and think to myself...what am I doing? This isn't me! It's almost as if I'm losing sight of myself and who I am. I find myself questioning the motives of people more than ever. I overanalyze each person in my life and wonder why they're really there, and what they really want from me. Instead of taking my friendships and relationships and enjoying them day by day, I find myself always questioning and doubting where things will end up in "X" amount of time from now. I find myself struggling to balance my emotions and keep my head intact. Worst of all, I find myself increasingly having to force my own happiness, because I am so discontent with the way things are going in my life, from friendships, to love, to my career.
I've made so many attempts to change myself for the better, and in some ways it has worked. I've gotten myself back into school, I've made my way into a good company, and I've moved up to the point where I now live completely on my own, in a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment. However, when it comes to my social life, I think I've done too much. I now find myself without those who used to be close to me, and find myself repeating the same mistakes over and over. Everything that I once complained about, cried about, claimed that I would change in my life, seems to have become a norm. Just when I think I've done what's right, I look back and realize that I've done the exact opposite and am in fact regressing from everything I thought I had conquered and overcome.
But, realizing just how much my personal experiences in fact affects lives of so many other than myself, I have to ask, since when did it become acceptable to fall back and accept the position of "the other girl/guy", knowing that regardless of the fact that you occasionally have their body, their heart is permanently with someone else? Since when did it become acceptable to go out of the way and do anything for "friends" who won't do a thing for you at the end of the day? Since when did it become acceptable to sleep with "friends"? Since when did it become acceptable to fall completely head over heels and even in love with someone who isn't even thinking of you...who doesn't even bother to pick up the phone to call you, or pick up the phone when you try to reach out to them? Since when did it become acceptable to hold onto someone for months or even years at a time, knowing that they have not and will not give you more? Since when did it become acceptable to put physical bliss first and emotion, heart, and self-respect last? I know that of course none of it is acceptable, but yet so many people deal with and put up with it all every day. But at what point is it too late to fix these things? If we have a sense of self-awareness and know that we deserve better, why is it so hard to demand and provide ourselves with better?
As I reflect back on the past several years of my life and look for the reasons why things have started to go in the opposite of the desired direction, I sometimes ask myself, is it my surroundings that influence me-- my family, the people I deal with, and the situations that I am thrown into? I know that only I be responsible for my actions, the way I feel about things, and the way I handle things...but what do I do at this point, when previous attempts to better ourselves have failed? What do any of us do who find ourselves in this situation...who are only trying our best to make a way for ourselves...who are trying their best to remain positive and find happiness? Do we just live life as it is and let it take its course, or should we make a conscious effort to change ourselves again? At what point does change within oneself become a lost cause, because we are so engaged in what seems to have become the norm? After all, at the end of the day, we are who we are...so, no matter how much we reflect and think of ways to improve oneself, is a true change even possible without regressing at some point in the near future?
Wow, it's been a little over two years since my last post on Blogger. Unfortunately after things took a turn for the worse with the "beau" I mentioned in my last entry, I decided to move to LiveJournal.com and post only private journals to express my deepest, innermost feelings that I just couldn't share with everyone. While my journals (which I still do write) allow me dig deep into my emotions and feelings and come to terms with myself, I must say that writing them has caused quite a change-- a change in my writing style, the way I express myself, and the way I handle my feelings. I find myself only having to urge to write them when something is wrong-- when I'm mad, sad, angry, depressed, or confused. I was inspired to write blogs again after meeting and befriending a very special young lady who also writes blogs of similar nature. To her: thanks girl-- as you said, writing is therapy. Blogs in particular provide a different sense of therapy in that it helps open up and stimulate the mind as well as allow you to observe different points of view as your readers comment.
It's a little difficult to shift gears and begin writing a blog again when so much has happened and so much has changed. I guess that's what life is about though. My journal is titled "Trials and Tribulations" for a reason, right? Well, trials and tribulations are exactly what I have gone through as I look back and read through my old blogs, and my old journal entries. Some make me laugh, because I look back at some of the people and things I used to stress and complain about, and how all are nothing but faint memories in my mind now. Some make me cry, because I still feel the pain that I felt when I wrote the entry and the pain from the effects those things have had on me to this day. But most make me shake my head, because I realize that in reality, most things have NOT changed. I've said it before, and I'll say it again-- the more things change, the more things stay the same.
My last entry was about maturity-- about growing up and moving on from the young-minded things and acting like the adults that we are. However, I think about my current lifestyle and find that its completely contradictory to most of what I used to write. Not just that one entry, but several of the previous ones. Nowadays, I find myself in the middle of the party scene more than ever ("Growing Up"). I find myself continuing to lie and cheat on those who felt strongly about and loved me ("Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater"). I find myself being that same type of girl that I complained about in the entry "The Ex Files". I find myself caught up in the drama of crazy "love" situations that I never thought I'd be a part of, and never wanted to be a part of. It's sad because I sometimes step back and think to myself...what am I doing? This isn't me! It's almost as if I'm losing sight of myself and who I am. I find myself questioning the motives of people more than ever. I overanalyze each person in my life and wonder why they're really there, and what they really want from me. Instead of taking my friendships and relationships and enjoying them day by day, I find myself always questioning and doubting where things will end up in "X" amount of time from now. I find myself struggling to balance my emotions and keep my head intact. Worst of all, I find myself increasingly having to force my own happiness, because I am so discontent with the way things are going in my life, from friendships, to love, to my career.
I've made so many attempts to change myself for the better, and in some ways it has worked. I've gotten myself back into school, I've made my way into a good company, and I've moved up to the point where I now live completely on my own, in a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment. However, when it comes to my social life, I think I've done too much. I now find myself without those who used to be close to me, and find myself repeating the same mistakes over and over. Everything that I once complained about, cried about, claimed that I would change in my life, seems to have become a norm. Just when I think I've done what's right, I look back and realize that I've done the exact opposite and am in fact regressing from everything I thought I had conquered and overcome.
But, realizing just how much my personal experiences in fact affects lives of so many other than myself, I have to ask, since when did it become acceptable to fall back and accept the position of "the other girl/guy", knowing that regardless of the fact that you occasionally have their body, their heart is permanently with someone else? Since when did it become acceptable to go out of the way and do anything for "friends" who won't do a thing for you at the end of the day? Since when did it become acceptable to sleep with "friends"? Since when did it become acceptable to fall completely head over heels and even in love with someone who isn't even thinking of you...who doesn't even bother to pick up the phone to call you, or pick up the phone when you try to reach out to them? Since when did it become acceptable to hold onto someone for months or even years at a time, knowing that they have not and will not give you more? Since when did it become acceptable to put physical bliss first and emotion, heart, and self-respect last? I know that of course none of it is acceptable, but yet so many people deal with and put up with it all every day. But at what point is it too late to fix these things? If we have a sense of self-awareness and know that we deserve better, why is it so hard to demand and provide ourselves with better?
As I reflect back on the past several years of my life and look for the reasons why things have started to go in the opposite of the desired direction, I sometimes ask myself, is it my surroundings that influence me-- my family, the people I deal with, and the situations that I am thrown into? I know that only I be responsible for my actions, the way I feel about things, and the way I handle things...but what do I do at this point, when previous attempts to better ourselves have failed? What do any of us do who find ourselves in this situation...who are only trying our best to make a way for ourselves...who are trying their best to remain positive and find happiness? Do we just live life as it is and let it take its course, or should we make a conscious effort to change ourselves again? At what point does change within oneself become a lost cause, because we are so engaged in what seems to have become the norm? After all, at the end of the day, we are who we are...so, no matter how much we reflect and think of ways to improve oneself, is a true change even possible without regressing at some point in the near future?
posted by Kimmie91783 @ 9:43 PM
2 Comments:
At 3:42 PM,
My_Expressions said…
Things are only considered normal when you aren't willing to change what you are dissatisfied with in your life.
For example: The norm for me would be me always in the house doing nothing and I hate that. However, I'm willing to change that instead of being unhappy.
The same applies to other situations.
When we go through things or even change things in our lives, our circle of friends change not just us.
When I feel like things aren't going right in my life I start to look at my circle of friends. I'll ask myself 1)Who has been there for me through thick and thin 2) Who has accepted me when I was one way one day and another the other 3) Who seems to only be around when they need something or want something from me 4) Who takes the time to call me every now and then 5) Who calls me on my birthday.
You need people to help you change. Sometimes we think we can do it alone but we can't. I thought I could change how I am by being by myself and being in the house all the time--just being miserable but it only made me worse. Which is why I need friends to help me get back into the fashion world. I'm to the point where I have alienated myself so much that I don't know how to control my liquor in public, I don't have clothes to wear, I don't know how to interact with people at times and have lost the closeness I use to have with a lot of my friends because of alienation. I literally ruined my social life.
So, all I'm saying is if you don't like something in yourself or your life DON'T MAKE IT THE NORM. The more normal it is, the harder it will be the change. Lying, Cheating, being the "other girl" can get old and it will only bring you misery in the end, just like me always wanting to be alone in the house will only bring me misery.
Someone as beautiful as you deserves so much more. You said it yourself, you have your own furnished place, a car, a job and in school getting educated. There is no reason for you to have all of these sad or hurting stories to share. You should be writing about how blessed you are and how you've changed certain things in your life. You should be talking about how many new positive people entered your life since your last blog.
Only you know what you need to change in your life and it all begins with you. Drinking, partying etc. will not help.
As a blogger and a reader, you have a great future ahead of you. Don't block your blessings because you're scared of change.
GREAT BLOG. You're making me sad all of s sudden. Geesh I need to change some shyt in my life too. LMAO!
At 3:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
To begin...I'd like to say "WOW!"
This is definitely too much for one person to handle at one time or another! Really though, I'm with Alana when it comes to friends..."When I feel like things aren't going right in my life I start to look at my circle of friends. I'll ask myself 1)Who has been there for me through thick and thin 2) Who has accepted me when I was one way one day and another the other 3) Who seems to only be around when they need something or want something from me 4) Who takes the time to call me every now and then 5) Who calls me on my birthday."
You definitely have to pick and choose your friends not based on the past, but for 'predicting' the future. And what I mean by that is...people who were there for you in the past don't necessarily have to be in your present or future. When people say, "Oh I loss my best friend from high school." I don't think of it as a loss...I think of it as I grew up & that person was there for that stage in my life. That person doesn't necessarily have to stay with you throughout your whole life UNLESS you think that they are worth it. Don't get me wrong though, you need people to get you through the change(s)!
Based on your story with references to 'once a cheater, always a cheater'; settling for the 'other woman' position; drinking & partying; critiquing all of your friends to see which ones are really there for you is all relative to change. I really liked this statement that Alana said: Only you know what you need to change in your life & it all begins with you. And she's right. If think you need to change your behavior, you have to WANT to! You have to WANT to become a better person; not just SAY that you want to be better, (which I'm often guilty of) but actually put change into ACTION.
It is not too late to change. We still have our whole lives ahead of us with plenty opportunities to change. You will gain friends & 'lose' friends along the way based on the event/events/change/changes that are going on in your life and that is perfectly normal.
My suggestion to you is to write down a list of realistic changes you'd like to make in your life. Give them a certain time period to have achieved by but don't try to tackle all of the ones on the list at once. For example: One of my goals is to not use my credit cards anymore unless I absolutely HAVE to. I took all my credit cards out of my wallet but one & it's behind a family photo to make me question myself on if the purchase is something my family would think I absolutely needed.
Last but not least, please don't beat yourself up if you fall short or have a hurdle or two along the way.
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