THROWBACKS: The Best of 2004

It's amazing how much time can change certain things. But it's also funny that no matter how much things change, they still remain the same. Tonight I came across my journals/blogs from September-November 2004 and I decided to read through them to see just how much my life has changed and how much I've grown. I definitely have grown up a lot and have learned to handle situations better, and take on situations with better judgment so that I'd make better decisions. However, I also noticed that my life still isn't the "drama-free, pain free" life that I hoped to have when it was all over with. I guess I'm still in the process of living and learning.

Also while reading through them, I realized just how much I have a passion for writing. I sometimes wonder, if I wrote a book, would anyone read it? Below are a few of my favorite entries from my blog back during the craaazy and wild college days (which is completely explicit and contain details about my life that should not have been exposed to the public). I know for a fact that I used to have several readers that enjoyed my writings (or should I say, enjoyed my personal BUSINESS) due to the results on my AIM link tracker. Maybe you will enjoy it as well:

Monday, November 08, 2004

Struggling not to pick up the phone and call...

Struggling not to apologize for your faults...

Struggling not to give in...

Struggling not to show you just how weak I am...

Struggling to keep my word this time...

Struggling not to miss you...

Struggling not to wish you were here...

Struggling to hold the tears back...

Struggling not to let you know that I still care...

Struggling to keep my mind off of you...

Struggling to just forget about you...

Struggling to move on....................

Oh yeah...and I'm struggling to study too but it's not working too well since I obviously have OTHER worthless things to think about.......damn it all.

**Good night**


Saturday, November 06, 2004

Well, here's week #3 of not going out or seeing people (well, at least not going out and seeing people that I usually see). Things have gone really downhill as far as my social life goes, and I don't know why. Part of me wants to blame myself, and part of me blames other people. I sometimes wonder, what have I done wrong? Why is it that I no longer speak to any of the people I once considered my best friends? But then, I also wonder, why are people so FAKE? Why are people so SHADY? Why do people USE other people? Why are some people so quick to give up a friendship that's supposed to last...for something that probably won't last? I often find myself in a place where I feel completely ALONE, much like I do right now. I try to get away from it all and stay focused on my schoolwork and my family, but sometimes the anger and the pain is so overwhelming that I can't help but think about how much I hate the way things are, and how much I miss the way things used to be. I guess it's not a joke that people constantly change and walk in and out of one another's life, but why me? I thought I was a good person, but the men and women of this school definitely have me thinking otherwise.

So what's happening? I thought college was supposed to be a new life for me in which I left all the drama and pain I dealt with in high school back at home. I thought that I was supposed to leave here with a lifetime of memories, a large selection of TRUE friends, and possibly a real love to call my own... But as graduation day nears, I find that my life is slowly winding back down to what it was before I came here (this time, WITHOUT a man in my life that loves me more than life itself), and that I'm going to be returning home to the SAME EXACT THING. Over and over again I think, wait...this is NOT how things should be...but what can I do now? If only I could turn back the hands of time, back to my freshman year, I would do things so differently. They say "live and learn", but it's hard to keep living when you still have so much that you have refused to learn.

I really wish I could change things before I leave here. I realize that I will probably never see some of the people I've met ever again, and I don't want to leave on a bad note. But how can one change so much in so little time, especially when the other people involved aren't willing to let those things change? How can I tell those that I once called my friends that I really do miss them, and not have them look at me like I'm crazy while continuing to leave me behind? How can I let the guys here know that I really am a good person on the inside, and that my past mistakes and words of other people do NOT make me? I guess it's pretty much impossible. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and live with it.

Every time I think about this shit, I can't help but cry. I'm not going to lie--sometimes I honestly cry myself to sleep...one tear for each friend I've lost...one tear for every man that has done me wrong and broken my heart...one tear for each mistake I've made...one tear for each moment I wish I could take back.........the list goes on. By the end of the night I'm all cried out, with no more to give. I don't know if I need to get away from it all, or if I need to confront it all...either way, I just want the pain gone. I want to live life to the fullest with the support of others, and have no regrets about my decisions.

Don't quite know what to do...don't quite know what needs to be done. But I do know that I'm tired...tired of living this life of mine.

**Good night**


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

...I'm so sick of my surroundings. I keep telling myself that things will be better when I leave here and go home, but I know they'll be just as bad there. Every time I go home, I'm counting down the days until I come back here because everyone there drives me crazy as well. I just can't wait until things in my life finally come together and I'm HAPPY. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear on an island by myself with no one there...

...I don't know much about anything anymore. Every time something in my life goes right, three times as much goes wrong. I know The One above is putting me all this through a reason, so I guess I should try my best to be content until I find out that reason. I always ask why it has to be me that goes through and puts up with so much crap, and how it is possibly going to benefit me and make me stronger in the end, but maybe I shouldn't question it. Maybe I should just suck it all up and count on Him to carry me through it all...


Monday, October 18, 2004

...Today I was doing a lot of thinking about the people in my life that I call my friends. In fact, everything that came to mind made me re-evaluate who I even consider as my "friends". I've been through so many "friend" situations and drama in my life, that I think I've seen it all. Let's just go through a few of the "friend" situations I've had:

-I've had those "friends" who call themselves there for you at all times, but it's funny how you only seem to hear from them when THEY want something. Otherwise, they're nowhere to be found or heard from.

-I've had those "friends" who call themselves "friends" by giving you advice on how to solve a situation with a second "friend" messing with a guy you're interested in, but then go right behind YOUR back and contribute to making the situation worse anyway by messing with that SAME guy themselves!

-I've had those "friends" who will use the hell out of you for what you have and are willing to give to them, but whenever you're not doing something to benefit them, they're nowhere to be found or heard from. Not ONCE have they ever offered to do something to make you happy or to thank you for what you've done for them.

-I've had those "friends" who know that you're interested in a guy, so they make it their sole purpose in life to go get with him instead of helping YOU out.

-I've had those "friends" who swear up and down that they will never put a guy before your friendship, but at soon as some dick comes in the picture, they are nowhere to be found or heard from. Whenever you try to see them or do something with them, it doesn't happen because they "already have plans with 'him'".

-I've had those "friends" who will talk, talk, and talk some more about themselves and their drama-filled lives, but when you try to say one thing about yourself, they either interrupt you to talk about themselves some more or just get all mad together that you're not kissing their ass like they want you to.

-I've had those "friends" who only happen to be your friend because their other friends are either just sick of them, or not around at the moment. But when those other friends come back, they drop you like you're hot.

-I've had those "friends" that are just plain crazy and get mad at you for the pettiest shit in the world. I mean, shit so petty that it doesn't even deserve to be said...and they will end the friendship over it too.

-I've had those "friends" that feel the need to basically talk about you in front of your face when you present them with an opinion or trait that they don't like or agree with, and then will CONTINUE to talk about you behind your back.

-I've had those "friends" who want to be like you SO MUCH, that they will do ANYTHING to bring you down and bring them up. I've had it get to the point where you cry your heart out to them, trusting them with your business (since you ARE friends), but as soon as you turn your back, they are using that business against you, ruining YOUR reputation, and smiling as they do so.

Well now that I've pretty much named a trait in just about every single "good friend" I have or have had, maybe I don't have any real FRIENDS at all (not including those of you that I'm just getting to know...not yet anyway)--maybe I should just label them ALL acquantainces and put them all on a scale of either "Very Acquainted" or "Not Really Acquainted At All". All I really want are people in my life that I can talk to about anything and they'll just LISTEN, that I can roll with places without getting screwed over somehow in the end, and someone that's really just THERE. Every time you think you have a "friend", something happens somewhere to prove you wrong. The point is, it's hard to trust ANYONE these days. It's so hard because I hate being alone, and I hate cliques. I wish I could just have a group of good friends that I chill with every now and then, but not ONLY just us...kinda like my 12th floor crew freshman year (sigh...those were the good ole days...) Shit...just one good person would be nice. Maybe it's just better to stay to myself, because obviously, my "friends" aren't here for me anyway. Sometimes I feel like females are no better to have around than niggas are...

**Good night**

During the first 15 minutes this entry was posted, I had decided to post the link to the blog that those entries came from, but after re-evaluating it, I decided to remove it. Those blogs posted every breathing moment of my life back during that time (which were quite hard times...I had hit rock bottom at one point), and I'm determined to leave my past where it's supposed to be--in the PAST. Hopefully others will learn to do the same...