Get it together... (freewrite)
I can't count the number of times that I've been excited to see him. In fact, there hasn't been one time where I haven't been excited to see him. However nowadays, that excitement never fails to be replaced with disappointment by the time the visit is over. What's happening? Why do I find myself always walking out on him, angry? Why do I find myself driving away upset? Upset with him, and upset with myself for dealing with him? Why do I constantly find myself giving in on my vow to myself to leave him alone until he learns to appreciate what he has from me? I find myself becoming emotionally weak. That womanly strength I had when I first met him--the strength that gave me the ability to live without him, to focus on me and only me before even thinking of putting him in my schedule...is now gone. What has happened to me?
I knew things were starting to go wrong when I shed my first tear from him. That one tear was an indication that my heart was all his, giving him the ability to play with it and treat it however he wanted. Now every frustration I have with him causes pain to my heart--a pain that I don't quite know how to overcome. I try to do things for him to make him happy and to make him realize that I'm here and I'm open...but nothing seems to change. I feel like I got more out of him when I didn't give a damn about him...before I opened up my heart to him. Damn...maybe that's where I made my mistake.
Every moment sparks a certain frustration, and it seems to go round and round in circles, never being solved. Instead it digs a deeper hole and continues to make me more unhappy. Whenever I think that I can be the woman I used to be and move on, I fail. He knows he has me--every time I walk out, it only takes one word from him after I'm gone to make me miss him and send me running back. At the end of the day, I still find myself frustrated and stuck in that same hole.
I often wonder what it is that I see in him. When I first met him, I couldn't stand him, and that was for a reason--he was entirely too stuck on himself and only seemed interested in getting physical with me instead of getting to know me. He was too concerned with his image and how I may make him look bad instead of how I may make him look better. He didn't try to show me off to his boys as if I were the most beautiful woman in his life at that moment (like most men do on a first date), but instead acted as if I were just an accessory to him. I don't know what made me fall for him in the end, because deep down, he hasn't changed. To this day, he still doesn't want anyone to know that he's dealing with me. His excuse is, "we're not in a relationship", but even if we're not, does that mean that he has to refrain from showing the world he's proud to have someone like me around, like I do with him? Ooops...sorry. I guess he's not. I told myself that I would no longer settle for anything less than I deserved, and he provides me with none of that. I deserve everything more than what he gives me:
For starters, we're not in a relationship yet. I understand things take time and can't be rushed, but what hurts the most is that he doesn't even want to think about progressing things in the future. How can we progress toward something he doesn't even think to work on?
He never compliments me or tells me I'm beautiful--the things that every woman needs to hear to put a smile on her face here and there...it makes me wonder what he ever saw in me in the first place, or if he ever saw anything at all. It also makes me wonder if I've become less attractive to him over time. I should be feeling confident when I'm with him, but every day I start to feel less of that. He hardly kisses me, or for that matter, touches me...unless he wants "that thing".
He never appreciates anything I do for him. For example, it always makes my day to provide him with something to eat when he's hungry, or when I'm out getting something for myself. But in the end, I always have to remind him to say thank you, or to show that what I've done means something to him.
He never seems happy to be around me anymore. He'll allow me to come over, but he doesn't want to hold conversations with me. The television, his Treo, and his computer get more attention than I do. When I try to start a conversation, there's always something wrong with something I say or do, thus leaving me to sit in silence, because I'm afraid of what his reaction will be next. He never seems to notice me until I get mad and threaten to walk out the door--then all of a sudden he wants to act right and will try to get me to stay.
He's so beautiful--by far the best looking guy I've had the pleasure of dealing with...or is it really pleasure? The fact that I'm scared to lose him to someone else demonstrates my lack in self-confidence to keep him around. Sadly, at the same time, he does nothing to increase my self-confidence to let me know that he's mine and won't be going anywhere. Therefore, my fear of losing him increases and I do more to keep him around. Unfortunately, he may be staying for the wrong reasons and I'm gaining nothing from it. Instead, the pieces of me are slowly falling apart.
While I shouldn't think of everything as my fault, things have gotten to the point where I do blame it all on me. I've given up on myself and have put everything into him. I continuously allow him to get into my head with the "I'm sorry's" and the "I'm going to try and treat people better" and the "I miss you's", when he really doesn't give a damn and when he's never going to change. I constantly do things for him, and he's taking full advantage of that. I'm convinced that's the only reason he keeps me around. I have to learn to be stronger--when I say I'm leaving, I need to mean it. When I say that I'm no longer going to do anything for him, then I need to STOP doing things for him, whether he's hungry, broke, or lonely. His ways and my actions in response to his ways are making me feel less of a woman...less of the beautiful human being I know that I am. But why does it have to be so hard?
I don't know what to do anymore. My anger is getting the best of me, and I often find myself saying things to him that I don't want to say or that I don't really mean. How else can I prevent myself from feeling like shit every single time I'm around him? I'm not used to feeling worthless or unimportant around a man who calls himself "interested" in me. I'm used to feeling a sense of warmth and happiness...a sense of loving and caring. I'm used to the sweet kisses and thoughtful words to make me feel good on the inside and out. With him, I get none of that. Instead, I get a feeling of coldness...of not being good enough. I give him compliments and do nice things for him all the time, in hopes that he will return the same to me, but it's a failed attempt every time. Not only do I have no idea what to do, but I've run out of things to say. I know I need to let go, but how? How do I just say goodbye to someone that's already embedded themselves in my mind and heart?
I care about him a lot and it pains me to even think of letting him go and cutting him off. But I know that sometimes that's what you have to do--let them go. If he comes back, it was meant to be. If he doesn't, it was not meant to be. I definitely need to let him go and see if he comes back the man that he needs to be if he wants to be with me. I've got to stand up for myself and start loving myself more, before I expect him to be with or "love" me. A quote in one of my favorite songs by Mya: "You're not a man if I gotta tell you how to treat me...and I'm not a woman if I don't stand up for what I believe in..."
I'm so tired. Tired of trying to make myself happy all while trying to find the right one for me--the one that will treat me just as nicely as I treat him...the one where that special feeling will be there on both sides, and at equal levels. Will I ever get it right? Damn. I gotta get it together...
I knew things were starting to go wrong when I shed my first tear from him. That one tear was an indication that my heart was all his, giving him the ability to play with it and treat it however he wanted. Now every frustration I have with him causes pain to my heart--a pain that I don't quite know how to overcome. I try to do things for him to make him happy and to make him realize that I'm here and I'm open...but nothing seems to change. I feel like I got more out of him when I didn't give a damn about him...before I opened up my heart to him. Damn...maybe that's where I made my mistake.
Every moment sparks a certain frustration, and it seems to go round and round in circles, never being solved. Instead it digs a deeper hole and continues to make me more unhappy. Whenever I think that I can be the woman I used to be and move on, I fail. He knows he has me--every time I walk out, it only takes one word from him after I'm gone to make me miss him and send me running back. At the end of the day, I still find myself frustrated and stuck in that same hole.
I often wonder what it is that I see in him. When I first met him, I couldn't stand him, and that was for a reason--he was entirely too stuck on himself and only seemed interested in getting physical with me instead of getting to know me. He was too concerned with his image and how I may make him look bad instead of how I may make him look better. He didn't try to show me off to his boys as if I were the most beautiful woman in his life at that moment (like most men do on a first date), but instead acted as if I were just an accessory to him. I don't know what made me fall for him in the end, because deep down, he hasn't changed. To this day, he still doesn't want anyone to know that he's dealing with me. His excuse is, "we're not in a relationship", but even if we're not, does that mean that he has to refrain from showing the world he's proud to have someone like me around, like I do with him? Ooops...sorry. I guess he's not. I told myself that I would no longer settle for anything less than I deserved, and he provides me with none of that. I deserve everything more than what he gives me:
For starters, we're not in a relationship yet. I understand things take time and can't be rushed, but what hurts the most is that he doesn't even want to think about progressing things in the future. How can we progress toward something he doesn't even think to work on?
He never compliments me or tells me I'm beautiful--the things that every woman needs to hear to put a smile on her face here and there...it makes me wonder what he ever saw in me in the first place, or if he ever saw anything at all. It also makes me wonder if I've become less attractive to him over time. I should be feeling confident when I'm with him, but every day I start to feel less of that. He hardly kisses me, or for that matter, touches me...unless he wants "that thing".
He never appreciates anything I do for him. For example, it always makes my day to provide him with something to eat when he's hungry, or when I'm out getting something for myself. But in the end, I always have to remind him to say thank you, or to show that what I've done means something to him.
He never seems happy to be around me anymore. He'll allow me to come over, but he doesn't want to hold conversations with me. The television, his Treo, and his computer get more attention than I do. When I try to start a conversation, there's always something wrong with something I say or do, thus leaving me to sit in silence, because I'm afraid of what his reaction will be next. He never seems to notice me until I get mad and threaten to walk out the door--then all of a sudden he wants to act right and will try to get me to stay.
He's so beautiful--by far the best looking guy I've had the pleasure of dealing with...or is it really pleasure? The fact that I'm scared to lose him to someone else demonstrates my lack in self-confidence to keep him around. Sadly, at the same time, he does nothing to increase my self-confidence to let me know that he's mine and won't be going anywhere. Therefore, my fear of losing him increases and I do more to keep him around. Unfortunately, he may be staying for the wrong reasons and I'm gaining nothing from it. Instead, the pieces of me are slowly falling apart.
While I shouldn't think of everything as my fault, things have gotten to the point where I do blame it all on me. I've given up on myself and have put everything into him. I continuously allow him to get into my head with the "I'm sorry's" and the "I'm going to try and treat people better" and the "I miss you's", when he really doesn't give a damn and when he's never going to change. I constantly do things for him, and he's taking full advantage of that. I'm convinced that's the only reason he keeps me around. I have to learn to be stronger--when I say I'm leaving, I need to mean it. When I say that I'm no longer going to do anything for him, then I need to STOP doing things for him, whether he's hungry, broke, or lonely. His ways and my actions in response to his ways are making me feel less of a woman...less of the beautiful human being I know that I am. But why does it have to be so hard?
I don't know what to do anymore. My anger is getting the best of me, and I often find myself saying things to him that I don't want to say or that I don't really mean. How else can I prevent myself from feeling like shit every single time I'm around him? I'm not used to feeling worthless or unimportant around a man who calls himself "interested" in me. I'm used to feeling a sense of warmth and happiness...a sense of loving and caring. I'm used to the sweet kisses and thoughtful words to make me feel good on the inside and out. With him, I get none of that. Instead, I get a feeling of coldness...of not being good enough. I give him compliments and do nice things for him all the time, in hopes that he will return the same to me, but it's a failed attempt every time. Not only do I have no idea what to do, but I've run out of things to say. I know I need to let go, but how? How do I just say goodbye to someone that's already embedded themselves in my mind and heart?
I care about him a lot and it pains me to even think of letting him go and cutting him off. But I know that sometimes that's what you have to do--let them go. If he comes back, it was meant to be. If he doesn't, it was not meant to be. I definitely need to let him go and see if he comes back the man that he needs to be if he wants to be with me. I've got to stand up for myself and start loving myself more, before I expect him to be with or "love" me. A quote in one of my favorite songs by Mya: "You're not a man if I gotta tell you how to treat me...and I'm not a woman if I don't stand up for what I believe in..."
I'm so tired. Tired of trying to make myself happy all while trying to find the right one for me--the one that will treat me just as nicely as I treat him...the one where that special feeling will be there on both sides, and at equal levels. Will I ever get it right? Damn. I gotta get it together...
posted by Kimmie91783 @ 10:19 PM
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