Empty
Yeah, it's been a little while since I've written, but things have been kind of busy. My life consists of working, going to the gym, spending time with my ladies, and spending time with the wonderful new man in my life...well, at least I think he's wonderful. Who's to say what the future will bring?
Every moment I spend with this guy (we'll call him "Sam" for now) usually makes me so happy. I feel like being in his arms is where I'm supposed to be. Every kiss creates so much warmth in my body...it just feels so right. We're not exclusive as of now, but it is definitely my ultimate goal to be with him on a permanent level.
Last night things took an emotional turn for me, causing me to shed my first tear over him. That warmth I usually felt when with him wasn't there. We had a couple of altercations...one of which had him walking out on me, and the other with me walking out on him. Everything he said to me seemed so cold--where his sarcasm usually made me laugh, last night it upset me. The feeling that felt so right before had me thinking, "Maybe this isn't what I want..." Sam and I have only been involved for about a month. Maybe I was being too sensitive--I know that couples have their up's and down's, especially when they're in the stage where they're getting to know each other and all the flaws that they bring with them. I ask myself, "Am I wrong for losing hope so quickly?"
I think sometimes that my past has a permanent effect on the relationships I hold in the future. Every guy that I've really cared about or opened up to has ended up taking advantage of those feelings, using my kindness for weakness, and ended up hurting me in the end. Those few that did really care about me, I ended up brushing off somehow because I was scared--scared that in the end, I was still going to get screwed over like I had with the previous ones. With Sam, our one bad night (which probably wasn't as bad as I perceived it to be) immediately had me thinking, "He doesn't care about me...I should walk away now". At that point I started comparing him to my ex and how he doesn't nearly provide as much affection and emotional support that I'd like him to at times. Maybe I had made the wrong move by moving on too soon.
As I sit back and listen to the things that people tell me about myself, I realize that maybe I'm expecting too much by feeling that every man has to kiss my ass and spoil me to show that he really cares about me. I often find myself getting upset or depressed when the level of affection Sam expresses doesn't coincide with the level of affection that I expect to receive, or when he isn't happy doing the things that make me happy. Maybe I'm the one that is in the wrong and that has problems within myself that needs to be solved. Maybe I really need to learn to care about and love myself before expecting someone else to.
I'm slowly beginning to open up my heart and express my feelings for Sam, but a part of me wants to hold that back because I'm afraid he won't feel the same. I want to be able to fully open up to him, and have him do the same for me. I want him to be able to constantly tell me things to make me smile, keep me happy, hold me when I'm feeling down and tell me things will be okay, and fill that empty space in my heart that hasn't been completely filled yet. I know that its a two-way street and that I have to be willing to do the same for him, which is not a doubt--I know I can provide all of that. My downfall is the fact that I provide it a little too quickly...the result is, I put in much more than they do for me...and then fall hard.
In the end, I don't want to hold everything in and shield my feelings from him in an attempt to save whatever destruction doing so can cause in the end, but at the same time, I don't want opening up too much to be the reason that I lose him. I also don't want my high expectations for a man to be the reason that I lose him--or even let him go. Should I continue to fully express my feelings for him? Should I hold back a little until he opens up to me? Am I expecting too much from him--expecting too much just to gain some affection and fill a void in my life that maybe only myself can fill?
Every moment I spend with this guy (we'll call him "Sam" for now) usually makes me so happy. I feel like being in his arms is where I'm supposed to be. Every kiss creates so much warmth in my body...it just feels so right. We're not exclusive as of now, but it is definitely my ultimate goal to be with him on a permanent level.
Last night things took an emotional turn for me, causing me to shed my first tear over him. That warmth I usually felt when with him wasn't there. We had a couple of altercations...one of which had him walking out on me, and the other with me walking out on him. Everything he said to me seemed so cold--where his sarcasm usually made me laugh, last night it upset me. The feeling that felt so right before had me thinking, "Maybe this isn't what I want..." Sam and I have only been involved for about a month. Maybe I was being too sensitive--I know that couples have their up's and down's, especially when they're in the stage where they're getting to know each other and all the flaws that they bring with them. I ask myself, "Am I wrong for losing hope so quickly?"
I think sometimes that my past has a permanent effect on the relationships I hold in the future. Every guy that I've really cared about or opened up to has ended up taking advantage of those feelings, using my kindness for weakness, and ended up hurting me in the end. Those few that did really care about me, I ended up brushing off somehow because I was scared--scared that in the end, I was still going to get screwed over like I had with the previous ones. With Sam, our one bad night (which probably wasn't as bad as I perceived it to be) immediately had me thinking, "He doesn't care about me...I should walk away now". At that point I started comparing him to my ex and how he doesn't nearly provide as much affection and emotional support that I'd like him to at times. Maybe I had made the wrong move by moving on too soon.
As I sit back and listen to the things that people tell me about myself, I realize that maybe I'm expecting too much by feeling that every man has to kiss my ass and spoil me to show that he really cares about me. I often find myself getting upset or depressed when the level of affection Sam expresses doesn't coincide with the level of affection that I expect to receive, or when he isn't happy doing the things that make me happy. Maybe I'm the one that is in the wrong and that has problems within myself that needs to be solved. Maybe I really need to learn to care about and love myself before expecting someone else to.
I'm slowly beginning to open up my heart and express my feelings for Sam, but a part of me wants to hold that back because I'm afraid he won't feel the same. I want to be able to fully open up to him, and have him do the same for me. I want him to be able to constantly tell me things to make me smile, keep me happy, hold me when I'm feeling down and tell me things will be okay, and fill that empty space in my heart that hasn't been completely filled yet. I know that its a two-way street and that I have to be willing to do the same for him, which is not a doubt--I know I can provide all of that. My downfall is the fact that I provide it a little too quickly...the result is, I put in much more than they do for me...and then fall hard.
In the end, I don't want to hold everything in and shield my feelings from him in an attempt to save whatever destruction doing so can cause in the end, but at the same time, I don't want opening up too much to be the reason that I lose him. I also don't want my high expectations for a man to be the reason that I lose him--or even let him go. Should I continue to fully express my feelings for him? Should I hold back a little until he opens up to me? Am I expecting too much from him--expecting too much just to gain some affection and fill a void in my life that maybe only myself can fill?
posted by Kimmie91783 @ 9:27 AM
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