Forgive and Forget?

Once again, this is more geared toward the ladies (gotta hold it down for us), but some men may be able to relate to it to. While normally I would think of Tyra Banks' new talk show as one of the worst ideas ever allowed on television, the show really caught my attention the other day when she brought up a subject that I could really relate to: FRIENDS--how some of them betray and belittle you, and how you forgive them and overcome those things. The things she discussed really hit close to home for me. She discussed three types of friends: Toppers (those that always have to be one step ahead of you), Samers (those that consider themselves equal to you--a true friend), and Downers (those who always bring out the negative), all of which I have or have had in my life (but that's an entirely different story--might have to save that one for another post). She also discussed betrayal, and how friends will go behind your back and sleep with your boyfriend, etc. However, the best part was when she said to the audience, "Ladies, how come when a man does us wrong, we are quick to forgive him and give him chance after chance, but whenever a friend does us wrong, we don't want to forgive them or ever talk to them again?"

That last line really made me think and realize how much it was true; not only for me, but for most women. The men we allow in our lives can do us wrong every day, but we're still quick to accept their apology and try again--even though they are the ones that come and go. However, the friends in our lives, most of whom have been there for some time, are quick to get cut off (or "poofed" as Tyra termed it) the minute they do something to betray us. Is this right? Should we give our friends another chance if they mess up? I've forgiven some of the friends in my life for doing me wrong just as much as I've cut them off completely for doing me wrong. As mentioned before in a previous post, I've had friends go behind my back and try to get at the same guy that I'm involved with...I've had friends use me for everything I've got...I've had friends say the nastiest things about me behind my back. But what determines whether they're forgivable or not? How can you really "forget" something a friend has done to hurt you...is it even possible to be fixed? At what point can we say that enough is enough, and goodbye?

I've realized that while I would always eventually forgive friends in the past for the mistakes they've made, nowadays it's not so easy to. Why? Because I've had enough. It seems as if the more you forgive someone, the easier it becomes for them to mess up in the future, since they know you'll "get over it" anyway. I'm now accustomed to cutting people off for good once they mess up, and because of it, I find myself with a very small group of female friends...and I mean VERY small. I mean, what's the point of keeping someone around that is constantly out to bring you down? What is a friend that can't be trusted?

I'm in a dilemma now with this girl I met a few years ago that I no longer speak to. Before I befriended her, I had heard that she was the shady type, but I decided to look past that since I don't judge someone up front--I like to find out on my own. We had our ups and downs like all friends do, said some things about each other that weren't too nice at one point or another (like ALL friends do...let's keep it real), but there was one time where I found out that she said something about me that really didn't sit so well with me. I gave her the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. Being that I couldn't reveal my sources, I couldn't really say much to her about it. But I got over it--I forgave her and we became cool again. However, a few months ago, I found her to be talking about me again, but this time it was to the point where the things she said literally made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't even stand to think of her anymore after that without rage boiling up in me. The fact that she could say such things about me (which she had no place in hell to say) and then try to come right back and act like she was my friend is what hurt the most. I sent her a friendly e-mail telling her that our ties were cut, and that I never wanted to speak to her again (I know, its sad, but confronting her personally would have been too much--I would have FLIPPED). That was back in August, and we haven't spoken since then. There have been times where it's run across my mind to speak to her, talk things out, and try to start anew, but that's exactly when I start thinking about the things she said, and it makes me sick again. It doesn't help that we work in the same building and I have to see her here and there. I think to myself, how can I forgive her and forget the hurtful things she said without being on guard in the future? What makes me think she won't go back and do the same shit again? Is it really worth trying to start a new friendship, or am I just setting myself up once more?

I'll be honest--I've done some dirty things to those I've considered my friends in the past, and lucky for me, me and those friends were able to solve those problems and now we're closer than ever. The hardest part is putting the shoe on the other foot--if you were to betray one of your friends in a way that really hurt them, would you want them to accept your apology and take you back, or would you rather them continue to not speak and eventually cut all ties off with you? I don't know too many women who would rather have that friend not talk to them, so maybe we should attempt to turn things around and give them another chance. After all, we all make mistakes...it's a part of life. But is it really worth it? Is forgiving and forgetting just an invitation to be walked over again in the future?