The Ex-Files

DISCLAIMER: Before I begin this entry, I need to make it clear that this entry is not meant to bash any certain reader I may have (shoot, at this rate, maybe I should say readerS) or start anything, but instead just meant to discuss a topic that many women have been through at least once in their past, whether they are the victim or the one committing the crime... To "those readers", please do not jump to conclusions.

Now here's a little background as to why I wanted to write this entry: Okay well, this past weekend I got a random message from someone regarding a guy that I used to be involved with--it was one of his ex's. Needless to say, this isn't the first time I've been contacted about this person, but while the other person had something really nice to say, spoke her piece (which was VERY nice) and disappeared, this time around it was different. This time, the person STARTED OUT saying things to make me feel better about the past situation, but then turned things around into what seemed like a looong bragging session, telling me all the great things about the relationship they once had, how great things were with their friendship now, how he tells her about other women he's been talking to and how he also wants to get back with her and blah blah blah. Point is, it seemed like she was validating his every wrong action AND at the same time making me feel like she was better than me when it came down to being involved with him. In the end, I ended up feeling the complete opposite than I should have--I ended up feeling MUCH worse about it. In fact, I ended up completely heated, angry, and ready to inflict pain among that particular guy...LOL. However, after consulting a couple of my best friends about it all and they pointed out to me that it's not HIM that made me mad, and I shouldn't get so upset about him or about the situation at all. They pointed out to me that it was HER that I was really mad at; this girl was completely wrong for coming to me like that with information that would only increase and prolong the pain I was still dealing with, and that if she was going to say anything, she should have left it at the point where she was making me feel better about the situation. The next day (after a VERY inspiring and refreshing sermon in church on Sunday), I let it all go...the feelings for him, the anger over her...all of it.

I know you're feeling me on this ladies--I'm NOT the only one that has been through this or has done something like the above. So my question is, why do we do such things? If you're the "victim" in this situation, how do you handle it? I know in my situation, I played it cool although I was BOILING on the inside...but how are you supposed to react to that, both toward the ex and toward the guy you're dealing (or have dealt) with? I mean, we all want to be able to forewarn another female who is getting themselves into a bad situation (if they haven't already done so) with a guy that we've once been involved with, but why don't we let the other person find out for themselves what he is like, or figure out for themselves how to recover from a situation already gone bad?

When an ex contacts the new girl either bragging or saying nothing but negative things about him or the new relationship possibilities (discreetly or indiscreetly), it gets to the point where it really looks like they are just HATING, especially if they're randomly approaching the person and didn't know them to begin with. Not saying that every woman is hating when they do so...some of them really have good intentions...but we have to turn the tables and see ourselves in the new girl's situation if we had been contacted by an ex. If after we do that, we end up thinking about how upset we'd be if it happened to us, then maybe we just need to refrain from saying anything at all.

I can admit it, once I find out who the "new" girl is that's dealing with the guy that I used to deal with (especially if I still have feelings for him), I sometimes feel very inclined to find out more about them and contact them to tell them to STAY AWAY. To be honest, I think I may have taken action on that once or twice before realizing that it doesn't help anything. It's not going to help the situation with me and that guy, and on top of that, the new chick is going to do what she wants to do regardless. People have to learn for themselves.

Again, some ex-girlfriends will attempt to contact the newbie in an attempt to really help her out, but there are those others that do it simply just to HATE, because they still have feelings for that guy and just don't want to admit to it. But like Mya said in her song The Case of the Ex: "There's no need to reminisce about the past...obviously 'cause that shit did not last..." So my EX-ladies, unless you have some really encouraging words for the current one, keep it moving and let her experience both the happy times AND the painful ones without your help.