Recovery: An Endless Attempt
Ooooh weee, it's been awhile since I've written... At times, things had gotten too hard on me, and it became too much for me to express my feelings to anyone. Instead I would bottle all of my feelings up inside of me and pretend that I was happy, only to go home and cry myself to sleep at night. But it's time to get back into ME and what makes me happy. Although life has been a roller coaster over the past few months (as if it weren't evident in my previous postings), I am glad to say that the person who built that roller coaster for me is no longer a part of my life. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I should say), it wasn't completely my choice...
There is so much on my mind right now, and as much as I want to spill out my feelings on this Blog about how much I can't stand him (or ANY man for that matter), or how much I still want him, or how much I want him to be unhappy, or how much I want us to be back together, or how much I want to see him deal with everything he put me through and made me feel, I'm going to try my best to stay away from saying anything bad about him (or anything at ALL) because like I said, it's all about ME now. God will take care of him...it is not my battle.
So after many arguments and tears, only a couple of days before Christmas, that "wonderful man" in my life finally decided to man up and let me know that it was over--that things weren't going anywhere for us in the future and that it was time to leave each other alone. As much as I knew it was what had to be done (shit, I had tried time and time again to let go, but miserably failed), I didn't want to accept that. I yelled and screamed at him, practically begging for him to give things another chance...but he wouldn't budge. All throughout the holidays, I cried myself to sleep, and hated myself for not being "good enough", once again. I couldn't take it anymore. But now as I look back on the good times and the bad, and how the bad outweighed the good, I have noticed just how much of a relief it is to slowly have that bad weight lifted off of my shoulders.
Now it's time for the hardest part after dealing with the fact that things are going downhill: recovering from it all. This is the part that all women hate--having to deal with those feelings that still aren't quite lost, having to deal with knowing that there's no one there to hold you at night or to share sweet intimate moments with anymore, having to think about doing it all again in the future with someone else who may very well do the same thing, leaving you back in the same place, or the worst part--possibly having to deal with seeing them happy with someone else in the future. Each time I enter into the recovery stage (which has been FAR too many times in my life), it gets harder and harder, taking a piece of me each time. I now find myself building up a wall around myself...a wall that no longer allows me to trust or love again. How can one feel confident about oneself when they are constantly being shot down by one they have learned to care so much for?
So ladies (and men too, if applicable), why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to get into situations with people who only hurt us in the end? Why do we choose to hold on when we know we should just walk away? Why do we wait until it's too late? Maybe we should ask ourselves what makes us fall for these people in the first place? They always say that the signs are there in the beginning, but we choose not to see them. Well, I saw the signs after our first date, which is why I didn't like him in the first place, but I decided to do away with those feelings and give him a second chance after receiving his constant attempts to spend time with me. In fact, the signs were there after our first date, but convinced that I could do better than the past women in his life and change him, I stayed--BIG MISTAKE. I came across an interesting statement today: Never invest too much emotion into one thing. It's always a set up to the pain of losing them. Too bad most of us don't start really thinking about these things until after it's all over.
It's funny because during this situation I received all kinds of advice from people, telling me to walk away and leave him alone, telling him that I was beautiful, smart, kind, and deserved MUCH more than some loser like him...but just like a typical female, I blocked all of that out--I didn't believe it, and didn't live by it. Instead I continued to come up with excuses for him and myself, drilling myself deeper and deeper into the ground--and now here I am, hurt again, trying to get over some nigga that never appreciated me for who I was in the first place. After numerous times, it has gotten quite embarrassing...it sucks when you share your excitement with friends and family, introduce that person to them, and then get screwed over in the end. Sigh...I'm starting to believe the harsh, heartbreaking words that my ex said to me one day, "You're a beautiful and smart girl, but just dumb in the head when it comes to men..."
They say that time is the only way to heal from the pain caused by situations as such, but sometimes time takes too long. I just wish there was an easier way. The part that I hate the most is knowing that I will probably run into him again someday. While it may not be the first time I've had to stand face to face with someone that has hurt me in the past, I don't know if I'm going to be ready for this guy because I'm still hurting, still care about him, and in less than a month, I'll be moving to an area which will require me to go to the same gym as him--I already know that if I run into him, I'm not going to be able to deal with the fact that he's no longer in my reach anymore...not so soon anyway. Maybe I'm just not as strong as I thought I was, or how I used to be. I just want it all to be over...I want to completely erase him from my thoughts, forget about him and his ways, and to find someone that truly wants to be with me and make me happy. My 2005 resolution: Never settle for less than what I deserve. Well, here it is, only days from 2006, and I still haven't learned...I've failed time and time again to abide by that resolution. Do the tears ever end? After dealing with constant bullshit in life, is full recovery ever really possible?
There is so much on my mind right now, and as much as I want to spill out my feelings on this Blog about how much I can't stand him (or ANY man for that matter), or how much I still want him, or how much I want him to be unhappy, or how much I want us to be back together, or how much I want to see him deal with everything he put me through and made me feel, I'm going to try my best to stay away from saying anything bad about him (or anything at ALL) because like I said, it's all about ME now. God will take care of him...it is not my battle.
So after many arguments and tears, only a couple of days before Christmas, that "wonderful man" in my life finally decided to man up and let me know that it was over--that things weren't going anywhere for us in the future and that it was time to leave each other alone. As much as I knew it was what had to be done (shit, I had tried time and time again to let go, but miserably failed), I didn't want to accept that. I yelled and screamed at him, practically begging for him to give things another chance...but he wouldn't budge. All throughout the holidays, I cried myself to sleep, and hated myself for not being "good enough", once again. I couldn't take it anymore. But now as I look back on the good times and the bad, and how the bad outweighed the good, I have noticed just how much of a relief it is to slowly have that bad weight lifted off of my shoulders.
Now it's time for the hardest part after dealing with the fact that things are going downhill: recovering from it all. This is the part that all women hate--having to deal with those feelings that still aren't quite lost, having to deal with knowing that there's no one there to hold you at night or to share sweet intimate moments with anymore, having to think about doing it all again in the future with someone else who may very well do the same thing, leaving you back in the same place, or the worst part--possibly having to deal with seeing them happy with someone else in the future. Each time I enter into the recovery stage (which has been FAR too many times in my life), it gets harder and harder, taking a piece of me each time. I now find myself building up a wall around myself...a wall that no longer allows me to trust or love again. How can one feel confident about oneself when they are constantly being shot down by one they have learned to care so much for?
So ladies (and men too, if applicable), why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to get into situations with people who only hurt us in the end? Why do we choose to hold on when we know we should just walk away? Why do we wait until it's too late? Maybe we should ask ourselves what makes us fall for these people in the first place? They always say that the signs are there in the beginning, but we choose not to see them. Well, I saw the signs after our first date, which is why I didn't like him in the first place, but I decided to do away with those feelings and give him a second chance after receiving his constant attempts to spend time with me. In fact, the signs were there after our first date, but convinced that I could do better than the past women in his life and change him, I stayed--BIG MISTAKE. I came across an interesting statement today: Never invest too much emotion into one thing. It's always a set up to the pain of losing them. Too bad most of us don't start really thinking about these things until after it's all over.
It's funny because during this situation I received all kinds of advice from people, telling me to walk away and leave him alone, telling him that I was beautiful, smart, kind, and deserved MUCH more than some loser like him...but just like a typical female, I blocked all of that out--I didn't believe it, and didn't live by it. Instead I continued to come up with excuses for him and myself, drilling myself deeper and deeper into the ground--and now here I am, hurt again, trying to get over some nigga that never appreciated me for who I was in the first place. After numerous times, it has gotten quite embarrassing...it sucks when you share your excitement with friends and family, introduce that person to them, and then get screwed over in the end. Sigh...I'm starting to believe the harsh, heartbreaking words that my ex said to me one day, "You're a beautiful and smart girl, but just dumb in the head when it comes to men..."
They say that time is the only way to heal from the pain caused by situations as such, but sometimes time takes too long. I just wish there was an easier way. The part that I hate the most is knowing that I will probably run into him again someday. While it may not be the first time I've had to stand face to face with someone that has hurt me in the past, I don't know if I'm going to be ready for this guy because I'm still hurting, still care about him, and in less than a month, I'll be moving to an area which will require me to go to the same gym as him--I already know that if I run into him, I'm not going to be able to deal with the fact that he's no longer in my reach anymore...not so soon anyway. Maybe I'm just not as strong as I thought I was, or how I used to be. I just want it all to be over...I want to completely erase him from my thoughts, forget about him and his ways, and to find someone that truly wants to be with me and make me happy. My 2005 resolution: Never settle for less than what I deserve. Well, here it is, only days from 2006, and I still haven't learned...I've failed time and time again to abide by that resolution. Do the tears ever end? After dealing with constant bullshit in life, is full recovery ever really possible?
posted by Kimmie91783 @ 3:08 PM
2 Comments:
At 8:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
~REPOSTED FROM ANOTHER BLOG~
SCQT, girl, I was reading your blog and you sounded really down and I wanted to give you some words of wisdom. I am a bit older than you and your blogs reminded me of a relationship that I was in that wasn't very healthy. Know that the relationship I am referring to is ancient history. All in all know that the man is cool and smart and a very wonderful friend but if he says that he isn't ready for a relationship, by either his words or his deeds, leave him alone. You deserve to be loved. End of the story. So, only put yourself in situations where you are recieving that. Never let a man see you sweat or cry over him. You are too valuable :) and it pushes him away anyway. He may seem like the world to you today but months from now you'll wonder why on earth you stressed out over him in the first place.
PS-He is fine but he is not Boris Kjode or Denzel. :) I wish you the very best life has to offer in love, career, and family!
At 12:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
Ms. Kimmie,
You know the bad thing about your story is...it has happened to me before but I ended up with the guy. Yep, I was the one who "stayed". My story begins with him and his girlfriend back home of whom I didn't know about until after me and the guy had begun our 'relationship' of fucking and all that ying yang. Every Chrismas break, summer break, and spring break, he'd go and fuck her and sadly to say, I was in agreement with it as long as I was getting what I wanted out of it. Or was I? Was I the one being played for a fool the whole entire time? Yes, is the answer to that question.
The "girlfriend" knew me as one of the guy's friend's and never suspected that I was fucking him; it was so shady that we actually became friends. Things went on like this for about a year or two, I can't remember how long it was because it became a part of my "normal" life. To make a long story short, he and the girl ended up breaking it off for good. She did something trifling like had a threesome with these two random guys. The guy didnt like that so he cut her loose. It's stupid but he actually was going to forgive her for that shit but I guess we all three were stupid. After he cut her, he ran back to me. I took him back and was his shoulder to cry on for a short time, because after all, he was my friend before anything ever went down. We decided to take things slow; as in, no sex or anything for a while until we got ourselves together aside from our relationship.
Today, we are together, why might you ask? Maybe its because we are stupid, maybe its because we do have love for each other, pssh, the heck if I know. All I know is that we are what we are. Yeah people are mad at me for "runnin back" and people are mad at him for treating me the way he did, but we take the good with the good and the bad with the bad everyday. I am not saying that everyone can easily pick up the pieces just as our situation was because that is NEVER the case and I truely believe that it would have been different, I would have ended it before it got really bad just as you did. Just as you, I found myself questioning myself, Is it me? Why doesn't he like me? What can I change about myself to make him like me more than her? All these stupid questions for what???
To conclude my escapade, I've learned to just take life for what it is. I take life and live it day by day. The hurt I've felt once, twice, some thrice times before was a strong one. Strong to keep me down but not out. I learned to do things to better myself & never put a man before the future I've planned for myself, no matter how 'in love' you are with him. Love does not pay the rent, love doesn't have a degree, nor does love have a career. Love is great but success & being happy in your own skin is much better.
P.S. And you best believe that when Ms. Kimmmie posts, I read it very throughly, take it seriously, and learn from the downfalls/uplifts that were presented.
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