Helping Yourself

"You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves..." Yeah, that's what they say. However, while it is very true, the question I ask is, why don't some people want to help themselves? I often wonder this after I sit back and take a look at my surroundings, especially my friends and family. I find it very disturbing when I see people I know, especially my own black people, on a downwards path, only because they refuse to take a look at themselves and see what needs improvement. There are three areas that I have seen a lot of lately where people are crying for help, but since they really don't want to help themselves, they only continue to fall: Sex, Money, and Portrayal.

SEX
We all know that over time, this cruel world has caused women to be seen as mere objects in the eyes of many men...but since when did we have to start using that as an excuse to continue promiscuous and dangerous behavior? Since when did that mean that we had to start disrespecting ourselves? As displayed in previous blogs, I have been through a lot of things regarding the disrespect of my mind, body, and heart. Over time, I have grown much and have realized that I must first learn to respect and love myself before I expect that from anyone else. I have learned that my body is not the only great thing about me, and that I should never let any man treat me as only a body--an object--instead of a living, breathing soul with a heart and mind. I have learned that I should expect NOTHING LESS from a man but the utmost respect for my decisions, and my self as a whole. As I grow, I try to pass on this knowledge to friends of mine who continue to make the mistakes that I have made. Like my mother always tells me, "A mistake is only worth it when you LEARN from it...if you continue to make that mistake, you're only going to stay in that same hole." However, no matter how much I try to pass on this information, it seems that some never learn. It frustrates me...not so much because I see them hurting themselves both physically and mentally, but more so because I think back to how stubborn I was when some of my friends used to constantly tell me those same things, but it would never seem to register. I would instead make the same mistakes and wonder why I was always being hurt and why no man would stay around. Finally, one day things clicked and I woke up and said, "No more" to the men that were disrespectful, and "no more" to the stupid mistakes. So while I used to ask myself, "Why are they doing this to themselves? Can't they see that things aren't going to change when they're constantly disrespecting themselves?" I've since come to the conclusion that it's something you're going to want to change yourself-- No one can help you change it...you have to want to HELP YOURSELF. Only YOU know when you've had enough.

MONEY
Although some hate to admit it, money is what makes the world go around. When it comes to self worth (in terms of assets), it all falls back on how you manage your money, which in turn falls back on how well you prioritize your spending, and how mature you are to do so. However, many that have failed to make that realization--Borrowing from one person to pay a second person...bounced checks...opening accounts up in someone else's name (which really means that you shouldn't have whatever it is you're trying to obtain in the first place)...missing due dates on bills...failing to pay someone back when you owe them--Why do they do it to themselves? Do they not know that they are digging themselves into a constant hole...that they are ruining their credit and ability to ever financially prosper as well as ruining the trust that they receive from other people? What kills me the most is those individuals who owe someone money but claim they are too broke to pay that person, meanwhile they are constantly purchasing needless items, such as materialistic things, or even worse, drugs! Common sense would tell you to pay the person you owe BEFORE spending money on something else that isn't important. I find it that it is often the ones that complain about being broke that refuse to do a damn thing to fix the problem. You can give them all the advice you want, and will even attempt to calculate the difference (in dollars) in their decisions for them...but they will not take that advice. Instead, they continue to do things their way, letting their "wants" and desires to keep up with everyone else get the best of them. Meanwhile, credit bureaus continue to see them as "high risk"...overdraft fees continue to increase far beyond the amount originally owed had they paid it up front...lenders and companies continue to say "NO" to requests for credit because they have a bad history of paying things back on time. What is the reason for all of it? Not saying that my finances are perfect-- I'm in debt as we speak (no thanks to student loans and credit cards). BUT, one thing that I can say is that my credit report is anywhere from Good to Excellent...I know where my priorities are. If I owe someone, they will be paid. All the materialistic and unnecessary items can wait. If I need to sacrifice something along the way, I will do so. I've learned to be this way simply by looking at where I've come from and knowing that I NEVER want to be in a position where I am struggling to keep a bite of food in the refrigerator. I NEVER want to be 40+ and saying that I'm still renting. I NEVER want to have to say "Sorry honey, I can't afford it" to my children. I NEVER want to be dependent on someone else for my financial needs. I want to be able to live comfortably and enjoy life without worrying about where my next dollar is going to come from. I understand it can be hard and that money doesn't always come easy with the rising prices of pretty much everything-- but that is when your priorities should adjust to our changing economy, even if it means sacrificing what you really "wanted", but didn't really "need". You have to want to help yourself get out of a hole and get yourself together...no one else can help you do that.

PORTRAYAL
Today I was on my way back from the 21st Annual Black Family Reunion in DC with the young lady I mentor and her best friend. On our way back to the train, we walked by a black family-- a woman, man, and three or four young children. The two ladies I was with had picked up two toys from the Reunion and were playing around with them in the station. As we walked by the kids, of course they stared at the toys. I heard the father say something, and it wasn't long before one of the little girls (who had to be no more than 4 years old), started running after the girls I was with, trying to hit them with her fists balled up. Of course the girls and the family were laughing about it, while I was bitterly walking away thinking, "I wish that child WOULD put one hand on me..." (LOL). We walked away. We ended up walking back past the family a few seconds later to go in a different direction, when the child started running after the two girls, trying to hit them again. As we went down the escalator, the little girl started yelling that she was going to "get them" and "beat them up", all while snapping her fingers and wrists and moving her neck back and forth. I thought to myself, "That child is too grown for her own good..." But what bothered me the most is when the father whispered something to the girl, and she started yelling out the initials of a supposed female gang in the DC area. Now, being that I'm from VA and live a completely different lifestyle than most who were born and raised in DC, I had no idea what the child was saying, or why the two young ladies I was with stood with their mouths open in disbelief as the father of the child laughed. Once they told me what the child was saying, I looked back up at the father and child with a look of disgust on my face. While they all thought it was funny, I had to walk away shaking my head. First off, WHY is the child in public, acting out and yelling out gang initials? But even worse, WHY is the father TEACHING the child to do so? Is this what we want our future (which ultimately will be led by the youth) to be like? If you ask me, NO child should even be talking to any stranger the way she was talking, or even KNOW what a gang is. Why are the parents embedding that into her head at the age of 4 or 5? Some blacks wonder why the media portrays us as such-- well, look what we're teaching the youth! Why not tell the child to smile and say "hello" to other young black women, instead of immediately running after them, fists balled up, and yelling gang initials? Why not whisper into the child's ear something positive, such as how she should respect herself and her elders instead of teaching her immediately initiate violence? We blame racism and discrimination on our downfall, but we fail to realize that once again, we have to want to help ourselves as black people first. No respect is given to those who don't want to do so.

In all of the above situations, those people are usually quick to want to blame someone else for their problems...their problems respecting their bodies...their problems managing their money...their problems being seen as equal in the white man's world-- but what are they doing to change that? As I heard a speaker say at the Reunion say today, "If you are not a part of the solution, you are a part of the problem..." It starts with YOU. Only YOU can decide how you want to be treated by others...only YOU can decide how you're going to better manage your money and bring yourself out of debt. Only YOU can decide what you're going to let your child see, hear, and teach them to their lives in a positive manner. NO ONE ELSE can help you do any of that unless you are willing to do it yourself. So how will you help yourself today?