"And he says she's just a friend..."
So after listening to the Russ Parr Morning Show this morning when they were allowing women to call in and talk about what they hate about men, one subject came up that I know all of us women and some men have dealt with at some point or another, if not several times: the issue of being referred to as "just a friend" when we know we are far more than that-- or even worse, inquiring about another girl/guy and getting the answer, "Oh, nothing's going on...we're just 'friends'" when you know damn well it's a lie.
I can take this posting in two different directions, with one direction discussing why we lie and cover up the truth about a relationship or situation with the word "friend", and the other one direction discussing why it's now become so acceptable nowadays to sleep with our friends in the first place. "Friends with benefits" is what we call them, but is it really a benefit to allow someone to downplay the reality of what's really going on-- to downplay the fact that here we are, sharing our bodies with one other in an act that some consider sacred and willing to wait until marriage for? Some people don't mind it. Some people are able to make an "agreement" and keep things at a completely physical level that involves no emotion, thus making it that much easier to pull that "friend" card and go on with their day. But for others who can't handle that type of agreement, sharing that type of "friendship" is much more. You feel as though you should share a special emotional connection that no one else has with that person. You feel as though they should be with you and only you-- but if that's the case...if we feel as though we can make these demands for monogamy from our "friends", why aren't we putting just as much energy into demanding a committed relationship from them? Why are sitting back and opening the door for the drama and acceptance of having multiple partners (which only multiplies the chance of being infected with an STD)? Shoot, I feel as though we're starting to misuse the term "friend" just as much as we misuse the term "love".
By allowing someone to refer to you as just a "friend", you're allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. You are giving them the opportunity to disregard your feelings, walk all over you, and switch up the way that they act toward you at any given moment. Furthermore, you are only setting yourself up for a losing argument if feelings become an issue in the future, because the other person will always be able to say that you two were "only friends" in the first place. I truly feel for those who aren't aware that they are being referred to as only a "friend", and some aren't aware of it. Some think that they've found this great person who is completely into them and who are going to give them the relationship they've always wanted...but in the other person's mind, nope, sorry honey. You're just a friend.
Now more than ever I am picky about who I call a friend and what makes them so (whether male or female). As mentioned in the book, He's Just Not That Into You, I personally prefer the types of friends that don't make question what our status is, or make me cry myself to sleep. I've unfortunately allowed too many "friends with benefits" in my life, and although I have been stupid enough to let it keep happening (and am still trying to learn to demand more and accept no less), I also know I would much rather be committed to someone than to give them the option of ending up with someone else and referring to me as "just a friend". At that point I'm thinking, no, I'm more than a friend. I've shared emotionally and physically intimate moments with you, and unless this is how you interact with ALL of your friends (male or female), then you need to give me a little more acknowledgement than that. We are NOT "just friends". One girl on the radio made me laugh out loud this morning when she said, "If we're sleeping together, we ARE going together-- you just don't know it yet." LMAO.
Which brings me to the next point...when we are involved with someone and see them having constant interaction with another person that they consider "just a friend", at what point do we stop and question whether it's really the truth? I've been on both sides of this situation before-- I've been called "the friend", and I've referred to someone as just "a friend" when they were in fact more than that. I remember hearing about a particular situation where a guy had two female "friends" who didn't know of each other, other than the fact that they were both "friends" to him. Turns out he was having sex with them both...but they didn't know that, because they were both too busy believing that the other girl was "just his friend". Ha-- "friends with benefits", yet he was the only one benefitting. The other two were just getting played and setting their feelings up to get hurt. So when is it safe to ask the person we're with just what kind of "friendship" they are sharing with that person? Of course if we are in a committed relationship with that person, we want to trust them and allow them to have friends. But for those of us who are "only friends" to the person we're involved with, we may feel as though we have no place to ask about another "friend". This is yet another disadvantage to allowing ourselves to be "just friends"-- we have no questioning rights!
The fact of the matter is, friends don't sleep with each other. If you (and this goes for me too) even think that someone you're involved with is more than just friends with one of their friends of the opposite sex, then you need to pull that card and ask, because "friend" seems to be the new excuse these days for getting what we want from whomever we want. If you're sleeping with one of your "friends", you need to reevaluate what's really going on, what you really want from them, and ask yourself how much longer you want to allow yourself to be disrespected-- because whether or not you realize it or want to admit to it, if he or she is not moving in the direction of pursuing a real, committed relationship with you, you're only disrespecting your own body and heart.
I can take this posting in two different directions, with one direction discussing why we lie and cover up the truth about a relationship or situation with the word "friend", and the other one direction discussing why it's now become so acceptable nowadays to sleep with our friends in the first place. "Friends with benefits" is what we call them, but is it really a benefit to allow someone to downplay the reality of what's really going on-- to downplay the fact that here we are, sharing our bodies with one other in an act that some consider sacred and willing to wait until marriage for? Some people don't mind it. Some people are able to make an "agreement" and keep things at a completely physical level that involves no emotion, thus making it that much easier to pull that "friend" card and go on with their day. But for others who can't handle that type of agreement, sharing that type of "friendship" is much more. You feel as though you should share a special emotional connection that no one else has with that person. You feel as though they should be with you and only you-- but if that's the case...if we feel as though we can make these demands for monogamy from our "friends", why aren't we putting just as much energy into demanding a committed relationship from them? Why are sitting back and opening the door for the drama and acceptance of having multiple partners (which only multiplies the chance of being infected with an STD)? Shoot, I feel as though we're starting to misuse the term "friend" just as much as we misuse the term "love".
By allowing someone to refer to you as just a "friend", you're allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. You are giving them the opportunity to disregard your feelings, walk all over you, and switch up the way that they act toward you at any given moment. Furthermore, you are only setting yourself up for a losing argument if feelings become an issue in the future, because the other person will always be able to say that you two were "only friends" in the first place. I truly feel for those who aren't aware that they are being referred to as only a "friend", and some aren't aware of it. Some think that they've found this great person who is completely into them and who are going to give them the relationship they've always wanted...but in the other person's mind, nope, sorry honey. You're just a friend.
Now more than ever I am picky about who I call a friend and what makes them so (whether male or female). As mentioned in the book, He's Just Not That Into You, I personally prefer the types of friends that don't make question what our status is, or make me cry myself to sleep. I've unfortunately allowed too many "friends with benefits" in my life, and although I have been stupid enough to let it keep happening (and am still trying to learn to demand more and accept no less), I also know I would much rather be committed to someone than to give them the option of ending up with someone else and referring to me as "just a friend". At that point I'm thinking, no, I'm more than a friend. I've shared emotionally and physically intimate moments with you, and unless this is how you interact with ALL of your friends (male or female), then you need to give me a little more acknowledgement than that. We are NOT "just friends". One girl on the radio made me laugh out loud this morning when she said, "If we're sleeping together, we ARE going together-- you just don't know it yet." LMAO.
Which brings me to the next point...when we are involved with someone and see them having constant interaction with another person that they consider "just a friend", at what point do we stop and question whether it's really the truth? I've been on both sides of this situation before-- I've been called "the friend", and I've referred to someone as just "a friend" when they were in fact more than that. I remember hearing about a particular situation where a guy had two female "friends" who didn't know of each other, other than the fact that they were both "friends" to him. Turns out he was having sex with them both...but they didn't know that, because they were both too busy believing that the other girl was "just his friend". Ha-- "friends with benefits", yet he was the only one benefitting. The other two were just getting played and setting their feelings up to get hurt. So when is it safe to ask the person we're with just what kind of "friendship" they are sharing with that person? Of course if we are in a committed relationship with that person, we want to trust them and allow them to have friends. But for those of us who are "only friends" to the person we're involved with, we may feel as though we have no place to ask about another "friend". This is yet another disadvantage to allowing ourselves to be "just friends"-- we have no questioning rights!
The fact of the matter is, friends don't sleep with each other. If you (and this goes for me too) even think that someone you're involved with is more than just friends with one of their friends of the opposite sex, then you need to pull that card and ask, because "friend" seems to be the new excuse these days for getting what we want from whomever we want. If you're sleeping with one of your "friends", you need to reevaluate what's really going on, what you really want from them, and ask yourself how much longer you want to allow yourself to be disrespected-- because whether or not you realize it or want to admit to it, if he or she is not moving in the direction of pursuing a real, committed relationship with you, you're only disrespecting your own body and heart.
posted by Kimmie91783 @ 12:11 PM
5 Comments:
At 3:11 PM,
My_Expressions said…
Great Topic. BTW, can you believe I read that book "He's just not that into you".
OK, from my experiences, I've learned that women have to think like men. It could be the pimp in me but in reality, it has worked. It really sucks how you can't be straight up with men right away. You can't just open your heart to them because they will play on that. I also think most men like a challenge. They want what isn't easy for them to get. If they know you care about them and you constantly tell them, then they will know you will always be there no matter what, and it also just boosts their ego which men certaintly don't need.
In my opinion, catching a man is like going fishing. You have to use your bate (cooking, being extra nice, looking good etc.) to get that nibble on the hook, but if you pull the hook too soon to catch that fish(express your feelings too soon) that fish will run away with the bate. Therefore, you have to get that fish hooked before you pull. Once you got him, he's yours. That's basically the tactic I've used with my feelings. You express how you feel at the right time. Remember timing is everything.
It's all about showing the man how good of a woman you are. When you first meet a guy, cook for him and make him feel really good. Do things no other woman would normally do. Especially, if you're looking for a husband =). And if he pulls the friend card, then so be it. Just know you did all that you could do to show you're a good woman and in the end he will realize what he could of had. 80% of the time that man will one day try to contact you again or even try to get back with you. It's crazy but most of the men who treated me like dirt in the past all came back to see how I was doing. I really think its because I didn't deserve to be treated the way I did.
Being a friend to a man IS their excuse to do what they want, which is why, women should be doing what they want to do on the side also until that man commits to you. I'm not saying go sleep with other men but just have fun and date other guys. Explore your options. Why stop living? Because a man wants to only be friends?? Certaintly not a valid excuse. Everything he is doing, you are capable of doing also. Although, he CAN just one day up and leave, so can you.
I do believe there are some men out here who just wants you to be their friend; However, some men don't know where to draw the line which makes it very confusing to us women, especially when we have feelings involved.
Also, you can't rush a man to be in a relationship. It only pushes them away. You really just have to be cool about the situation (I'm talking to myself on this one too). If GOD intended you to be with a man, you will end up with that man no matter what happens.
In Summary, using the friend card only gives you the option to date other men instead of wasting your time on that one man. Use it to your advantage. Which is why you shouldn't give out the goods because if that man does decide to up and leave you won't feel cheated. We only feel cheated because we gave it up too soon.
But like you stated, if two people have an agreement then that's a different story. My overall opinion is to not be willing to give it up to a man who doesn't seem interested in you. It won't keep a man at all. I've learned that the hard way with that situation.
Like Alicia Keys basically is saying "know you're worth". You know you're worth more than a friend. Get what you deserve. =)
At 3:15 PM,
My_Expressions said…
I'm not sure if I got off the topic but that was in my heart to type. You know how writers can be. lol
At 4:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
Honestly the "just friends" phrase should be expected, this is what you get for sleeping with somebody that is not yours. It is not exactly right, but if somebody was freely offering me what I wanted on a regular basis, we would be friends too.... really good friends in fact. I think way too many ladies want to fool themselves into thinking that "he" is paying them attention because he wants a relationship...secretly. No, he wants to sex you and is willing to put a little effort into it because you only require a little effort to give it up.
Fact is, if a man wants to be exclusively with you, he will and you don’t have to try. You don’t have to try to be what every other woman is not, you don’t have to bend over backwards, forwards and every other direction…you have to be you. He is either going to love it or not. What’s the point of even being in a relationship if you have to work at being some ideal? Nobody can happily keep that up, and in the end he still will leave you plus you would have lost yourself.
Also, if you are looking for a relationship you cannot act like a friend with benefits. The two things do not go together and they never will. Sure there is that one girl who did it and is now happily married... but I would much rather spend my paycheck on the lotto then take such risks with myself, my emotions, my heart, and my life.
Ladies need to know what they want and go get it. Stop settling, the only person that wants you to is that loser who wants you to be on their level... if you get lonely while "Mr. Right" manifests himself... get a rabbit and a hobby and call it a day. Loneliness and boredom is a whole lot better then getting your heartbroken, that’s really hard to fix.
At 4:03 PM,
Unknown said…
Lets be real. When us women get involved with a man, we know EXACTLY where things are going and it's not always in the direction of love. I have much respect for the ladies out there who chose to save themselves for marriage, but for those of us who chose not to there is nothing wrong with getting what we need... and yes women have needs too! If you meet a man and you know you want something more from him than sex then let that be known up front. Do not expect him to assume that. From my experience, if you ask a man if he is looking for a relationship with you he will tell you the truth and then it's on you whether or not you chose to continue seeing him.
I agree "friends with benefits" is a convoluted term. It's only half accurate. If you are not in a committed relationship with someone then by default you are just a friend. However, I wouldn't call sex a benefit. You are fulfilling a desire, want, or need of another person. So maybe the term should be "friends with sustenance". It sounds better...
At 6:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Just out of curiosity, what about guys like myself who has a lot of female friends and when asked who is she, we respond with, "She's just a friend." When in reality, Tori for instance, she is just a friend.
Not taking anything away from any of your points in which I agree with just about all of them, but every now and again there's some truth to the "friends" label and some people are deemed guilty by association.
I guess I'm just wondering, how do we men refer to our female friends, the ones we're not sleeping with and are truly, just a friend?
=)
P.S. Love the blog!
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