"And he says she's just a friend..."

So after listening to the Russ Parr Morning Show this morning when they were allowing women to call in and talk about what they hate about men, one subject came up that I know all of us women and some men have dealt with at some point or another, if not several times: the issue of being referred to as "just a friend" when we know we are far more than that-- or even worse, inquiring about another girl/guy and getting the answer, "Oh, nothing's going on...we're just 'friends'" when you know damn well it's a lie.

I can take this posting in two different directions, with one direction discussing why we lie and cover up the truth about a relationship or situation with the word "friend", and the other one direction discussing why it's now become so acceptable nowadays to sleep with our friends in the first place. "Friends with benefits" is what we call them, but is it really a benefit to allow someone to downplay the reality of what's really going on-- to downplay the fact that here we are, sharing our bodies with one other in an act that some consider sacred and willing to wait until marriage for? Some people don't mind it. Some people are able to make an "agreement" and keep things at a completely physical level that involves no emotion, thus making it that much easier to pull that "friend" card and go on with their day. But for others who can't handle that type of agreement, sharing that type of "friendship" is much more. You feel as though you should share a special emotional connection that no one else has with that person. You feel as though they should be with you and only you-- but if that's the case...if we feel as though we can make these demands for monogamy from our "friends", why aren't we putting just as much energy into demanding a committed relationship from them? Why are sitting back and opening the door for the drama and acceptance of having multiple partners (which only multiplies the chance of being infected with an STD)? Shoot, I feel as though we're starting to misuse the term "friend" just as much as we misuse the term "love".

By allowing someone to refer to you as just a "friend", you're allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. You are giving them the opportunity to disregard your feelings, walk all over you, and switch up the way that they act toward you at any given moment. Furthermore, you are only setting yourself up for a losing argument if feelings become an issue in the future, because the other person will always be able to say that you two were "only friends" in the first place. I truly feel for those who aren't aware that they are being referred to as only a "friend", and some aren't aware of it. Some think that they've found this great person who is completely into them and who are going to give them the relationship they've always wanted...but in the other person's mind, nope, sorry honey. You're just a friend.

Now more than ever I am picky about who I call a friend and what makes them so (whether male or female). As mentioned in the book, He's Just Not That Into You, I personally prefer the types of friends that don't make question what our status is, or make me cry myself to sleep. I've unfortunately allowed too many "friends with benefits" in my life, and although I have been stupid enough to let it keep happening (and am still trying to learn to demand more and accept no less), I also know I would much rather be committed to someone than to give them the option of ending up with someone else and referring to me as "just a friend". At that point I'm thinking, no, I'm more than a friend. I've shared emotionally and physically intimate moments with you, and unless this is how you interact with ALL of your friends (male or female), then you need to give me a little more acknowledgement than that. We are NOT "just friends". One girl on the radio made me laugh out loud this morning when she said, "If we're sleeping together, we ARE going together-- you just don't know it yet." LMAO.

Which brings me to the next point...when we are involved with someone and see them having constant interaction with another person that they consider "just a friend", at what point do we stop and question whether it's really the truth? I've been on both sides of this situation before-- I've been called "the friend", and I've referred to someone as just "a friend" when they were in fact more than that. I remember hearing about a particular situation where a guy had two female "friends" who didn't know of each other, other than the fact that they were both "friends" to him. Turns out he was having sex with them both...but they didn't know that, because they were both too busy believing that the other girl was "just his friend". Ha-- "friends with benefits", yet he was the only one benefitting. The other two were just getting played and setting their feelings up to get hurt. So when is it safe to ask the person we're with just what kind of "friendship" they are sharing with that person? Of course if we are in a committed relationship with that person, we want to trust them and allow them to have friends. But for those of us who are "only friends" to the person we're involved with, we may feel as though we have no place to ask about another "friend". This is yet another disadvantage to allowing ourselves to be "just friends"-- we have no questioning rights!

The fact of the matter is, friends don't sleep with each other. If you (and this goes for me too) even think that someone you're involved with is more than just friends with one of their friends of the opposite sex, then you need to pull that card and ask, because "friend" seems to be the new excuse these days for getting what we want from whomever we want. If you're sleeping with one of your "friends", you need to reevaluate what's really going on, what you really want from them, and ask yourself how much longer you want to allow yourself to be disrespected-- because whether or not you realize it or want to admit to it, if he or she is not moving in the direction of pursuing a real, committed relationship with you, you're only disrespecting your own body and heart.

Reflection, Change and Regression

"The more I know, the less I understand...and all the things I thought I knew-- I'm learning them again..." --India Aire, The Heart of the Matter

Wow, it's been a little over two years since my last post on Blogger. Unfortunately after things took a turn for the worse with the "beau" I mentioned in my last entry, I decided to move to LiveJournal.com and post only private journals to express my deepest, innermost feelings that I just couldn't share with everyone. While my journals (which I still do write) allow me dig deep into my emotions and feelings and come to terms with myself, I must say that writing them has caused quite a change-- a change in my writing style, the way I express myself, and the way I handle my feelings. I find myself only having to urge to write them when something is wrong-- when I'm mad, sad, angry, depressed, or confused. I was inspired to write blogs again after meeting and befriending a very special young lady who also writes blogs of similar nature. To her: thanks girl-- as you said, writing is therapy. Blogs in particular provide a different sense of therapy in that it helps open up and stimulate the mind as well as allow you to observe different points of view as your readers comment.

It's a little difficult to shift gears and begin writing a blog again when so much has happened and so much has changed. I guess that's what life is about though. My journal is titled "Trials and Tribulations" for a reason, right? Well, trials and tribulations are exactly what I have gone through as I look back and read through my old blogs, and my old journal entries. Some make me laugh, because I look back at some of the people and things I used to stress and complain about, and how all are nothing but faint memories in my mind now. Some make me cry, because I still feel the pain that I felt when I wrote the entry and the pain from the effects those things have had on me to this day. But most make me shake my head, because I realize that in reality, most things have NOT changed. I've said it before, and I'll say it again-- the more things change, the more things stay the same.

My last entry was about maturity-- about growing up and moving on from the young-minded things and acting like the adults that we are. However, I think about my current lifestyle and find that its completely contradictory to most of what I used to write. Not just that one entry, but several of the previous ones. Nowadays, I find myself in the middle of the party scene more than ever ("Growing Up"). I find myself continuing to lie and cheat on those who felt strongly about and loved me ("Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater"). I find myself being that same type of girl that I complained about in the entry "The Ex Files". I find myself caught up in the drama of crazy "love" situations that I never thought I'd be a part of, and never wanted to be a part of. It's sad because I sometimes step back and think to myself...what am I doing? This isn't me! It's almost as if I'm losing sight of myself and who I am. I find myself questioning the motives of people more than ever. I overanalyze each person in my life and wonder why they're really there, and what they really want from me. Instead of taking my friendships and relationships and enjoying them day by day, I find myself always questioning and doubting where things will end up in "X" amount of time from now. I find myself struggling to balance my emotions and keep my head intact. Worst of all, I find myself increasingly having to force my own happiness, because I am so discontent with the way things are going in my life, from friendships, to love, to my career.

I've made so many attempts to change myself for the better, and in some ways it has worked. I've gotten myself back into school, I've made my way into a good company, and I've moved up to the point where I now live completely on my own, in a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment. However, when it comes to my social life, I think I've done too much. I now find myself without those who used to be close to me, and find myself repeating the same mistakes over and over. Everything that I once complained about, cried about, claimed that I would change in my life, seems to have become a norm. Just when I think I've done what's right, I look back and realize that I've done the exact opposite and am in fact regressing from everything I thought I had conquered and overcome.

But, realizing just how much my personal experiences in fact affects lives of so many other than myself, I have to ask, since when did it become acceptable to fall back and accept the position of "the other girl/guy", knowing that regardless of the fact that you occasionally have their body, their heart is permanently with someone else? Since when did it become acceptable to go out of the way and do anything for "friends" who won't do a thing for you at the end of the day? Since when did it become acceptable to sleep with "friends"? Since when did it become acceptable to fall completely head over heels and even in love with someone who isn't even thinking of you...who doesn't even bother to pick up the phone to call you, or pick up the phone when you try to reach out to them? Since when did it become acceptable to hold onto someone for months or even years at a time, knowing that they have not and will not give you more? Since when did it become acceptable to put physical bliss first and emotion, heart, and self-respect last? I know that of course none of it is acceptable, but yet so many people deal with and put up with it all every day. But at what point is it too late to fix these things? If we have a sense of self-awareness and know that we deserve better, why is it so hard to demand and provide ourselves with better?

As I reflect back on the past several years of my life and look for the reasons why things have started to go in the opposite of the desired direction, I sometimes ask myself, is it my surroundings that influence me-- my family, the people I deal with, and the situations that I am thrown into? I know that only I be responsible for my actions, the way I feel about things, and the way I handle things...but what do I do at this point, when previous attempts to better ourselves have failed? What do any of us do who find ourselves in this situation...who are only trying our best to make a way for ourselves...who are trying their best to remain positive and find happiness? Do we just live life as it is and let it take its course, or should we make a conscious effort to change ourselves again? At what point does change within oneself become a lost cause, because we are so engaged in what seems to have become the norm? After all, at the end of the day, we are who we are...so, no matter how much we reflect and think of ways to improve oneself, is a true change even possible without regressing at some point in the near future?