Walk Away

While on the way to work today, I was listening to one of my favorite songs from Christina Aguilera's Stripped album, Walk Away (lyrics included below). While this song reminded me of a time where the lyrics spoke word for word how I felt (I would literally play this song over and over...it was just that deep), in light of the whole Chris Brown and Rihanna situation (which has sparked several forums and conversations about abusive relationships and the sort), I also thought about how many of us are in this situation today-- in a toxic and abusive relationship that we can't get out of. I not only thought about abusive relationships between men and women, but toxic friendships in general-- friendships with those people who we know are no good for us, but yet we can't seem to walk away from them.

I've been in both situations on more than one occasion, and while I am thankful that I've never been in a physically abusive relationship (I'll be damned-- I will fight to my death before I ever allow someone to put their hands on me the wrong way), I can now recognize that I've been in both verbally and emotionally abusive relationships-- you know, the ones that tear you apart and break you down to your knees simply because of the words someone has spoken to you, or because of the way that they've made you feel. The ones that put you on an emotional rollercoaster and are so damaging at times that they leave you questioning at the end of the day who you are.

There were a couple of people in particular that I was involved with from a relationship standpoint that I found it extremely hard to walk away from (my prior blogs speak on some of these situations). They would walk all over me, use me only to fulfill their physical needs, treat me like crap, and talk to me like I was a nobody...but at the end of the day they always knew that they could continue coming back with the same behavior because I would accept it. They knew that no matter how many tears I cried, or how many times that I screamed "I hate you" and that I never wanted to talk to them again, all it took for them was to say or do one thing, and I was in their arms again. I wasn't until my absolute breaking point that I was able to walk away from those individuals. I would say that it was because I realized I was worth more, but was that really the case? If it were, why was it so easy for me to fall back into that situation after the first individual who treated me that way? However, I guess I can say that I have grown stronger and have realized my worth even more in some respects because I've had run-ins with those individuals in the past, and it feels so good to know that they no longer have me wrapped around their fingers (don't know how they ever did). I am now able to stand up for myself and my feelings, and because of this, they are no longer a part of my life.

Then there are the toxic friendships that I've dealt with and am still having trouble dealing with to this day. I'm talking about the friendships that take you in a direction opposite of where you know you want to be. Those friends are negative influences on your life, they bring you down, and you often have to question if they're even your friends. You're constanly fighting and making up, you talk behind each other's backs, you question your ability to trust them, and you question their motives for everything that they do. But yet you still have the desire to be around them...to show them that you're a good person and would do anything for them...to fight for your friendship. But why? They've obviously displayed to you that they are not friendworthy...so why are you so concerned with being their friend? Again, there are two key friendships in my life that I think of when I think of toxic friendships. In both situations I feel as though I went out of my way to show them what kind of person I was, how much I truly cared, and how much I was willing to put into our friendship...but at the end of the day, I couldn't say the same about them. I'll never forget the words that an old friend told me, "With each person you claim to be your 'friend', ask yourself, at the end of the day, what would they be willing to do for you?" Sad to say, in both of those situations, I draw a blank when I attempt to answer that question. With that being said, I should've walked away from both of those "friendships", but yet I chose to hold on, hoping that things would change. I would hope that they would somehow see their faults in the situation and attempt to make things right, but when it was all said and done, I was the only one questioning myself and wondering what I did wrong, and then coming up with a way to apologize for their faults and reconcile when things turned sour. And this would happen on multiple occasions. Toxic.

I know one source of my weakness for toxic relationships is my big heart. I absolutely HATE being on bad terms with people. It seriously leaves a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I get into an argument with someone that is close to me, and it takes a LOT for me to completely cut someone off. Even then I still think about them and how much I miss the way things were. Life is short, and we know that tomorrow is not promised for any of us...so why waste time fighting when we should be loving as hard as we can? While I know it's best that some people aren't a part of my life and don't deserve my friendship or love, I also know that I don't like leaving a situation with backs turned to one another. While I may be okay with it at first, it's not long before I start to think, if something were to happen to either of us and God takes us from this Earth tomorrow, would I be happy with the way things ended?

So what makes it so hard for us to walk away from situations like this? Maybe it's because we become too comfortable with a situation and a person. Living that life has become the norm for us, so making a change and eliminating them from our lives would just throw off the balance of things, no matter how much it may be the best decision in the long run. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue. We don't love ourselves enough, so we cling on to someone that we THINK we love, and who loves us, giving ourselves the false belief that things will change...that someday that person will see you for who you are and realize what they have. Maybe its just pure ignorance and unawareness. We don't know what the real deal is and that we are in fact hurting ourselves more than helping, and setting ourselves up for nothing but pain and heart break at the end of the day. Maybe we're just trying to fill a void. We know that there's some kind of emptiness there, so we go out of our way to fill it, not looking or thinking about what we're filling that void with. However, what we need to realize is that not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Some are meant to pass through briefly to teach you a lesson, but they're not meant to stay. So why do we hold on? Why can't we just walk away?

Lyrics from Christina Aguilera's Walk Away:

What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?

I was naive
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
'Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
'Cause I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya
Need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away...

I should have known
That I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke
It was all an illusion
Now I've been licking my wounds
But the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce
But darlin' you hold me prisoner

I'm about to break
I can’t stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to a mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya
Need to walk away from ya

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered in despair...it's never over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare
I let out a silent prayer...let it be over
Inside I'm screaming
Begging, pleading...no more

Now what to do
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each beat reminds me of you...

Musical Therapy (freewrite)

The sun hasn't shined today at all
A funny thing...you haven't called
Tell me why?
Or should I be asking, how should I respond to it all?
Times were good...I wish you were around more
I can feel you at my door
But it's not you...it's someone else
What can I do? What did we do?

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

You tell me you've made up your mind
I'm not gonna cry
It wouldn't be the first time
See I deserved it
It's my own heart that hurts me
I'mma brand myself the fool
'Cause I fell in love with you

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

I try to turn it off
But it's hard to see
Through this emptiness
Slowly breaking me
Baby hurt me just a little less
Then I can start to breathe
But still your heart is out of reach...

I should have known
It was right in front of me
Screaming "Girl, JUST WALK AWAY...see, it can't ever be."
We carried on making our mistakes
I was thinking love was free
But now you've taken part of me...

What were we thinking?
What will we do now...right now?

-Joss Stone, What Were We Thinking

Music is my therapy-- my second therapy next to writing. I find it amazing how some lyrics can speak exactly how you feel when you can't seem to gather your thoughts to decipher your own feelings. Lately I've had some events occur in my life that have been so painful and anger-provoking that I've found it extremely hard to express the way I feel...thus directly affecting my ability to write blogs, and even my ability to write in my own personal journal. Some would argue that nothing or no one should be able to get to me enough to prevent me from doing what I love, but the truth is, people have feelings...people deal with issues...people aren't perfect. I try my best to play the strong, tough-skinned one, but sometimes it all becomes too much. I'm human. So when writing doesn't work, I turn to music as my backup to calm me down. Although the lyrics sometimes just stir up even more emotions, at least it allows me to gather my thoughts and come to realization with my feelings through someone else's words.

I love the song above not only because it speaks exactly what my heart feels, but also because I love the way it was written. The song isn't called "What Was I Thinking", but instead "What Were WE Thinking". She holds not only herself accountable for her feelings, but also the opposite party because she didn't get herself there alone. Yes, she set herself up by getting her feelings a little too involved and she recognized that, but at the end of the day, she asked, what were WE thinking. Yup...takes two to tango. One of my other favorite parts is at the end where she acknowledges the voice in the back of her head that told her to just walk away...but yet she continued to make the same mistakes anyway. Then at the end of the day once the other party breaks her heart and walks away, she's left with herself as well as the question, what are we going to do now?

But back to the subject of music-- I focus primarily on lyrics when I listen to music, which is what I think enables me to enjoy all genres. What matters to me are the songs that speak to me, make me feel a certain way and take me "there" (nostalgia)...it's not all about the beats or the ones I can dance to the hardest in the clubs (which are usually the songs that aren't talking about a damn thing). There's so much more substance to music other than how hard you can shake your ass or what society EXPECTS you to listen to. I sometimes sit here for hours on end with my headphones on, reminiscing on the good times and the bad-- smiling and laughing at the funny moments certain songs remind me of, and shedding tears over the songs that make me think of certain people or hurtful situations. Yeah...music has just that kind of effect on me. As a matter of fact, I think I've been sitting here for 2 hours and counting, just listening to whatever my iTunes gives me...a bad habit that has resulted in many late nights and wasted days. Playing Now: Since I've Been Loving You, by Corinne Bailey Rae.

Sometimes I start to think, what if music is not enough? What if neither my writing or my music can heal me? What happens when I try to write and find myself at a loss for words...but then turn my my music only to find that it's not loud enough to drown out the 10 million thoughts going through my head? What or who do I turn to then? I know that's the point that I should turn to God and prayer to ease the uncertainty, eliminate the negative feelings, and bring me to peace, but.......

So yes...music is my therapy. And its successfully done the job once again, because here goes yet another blog entry. Love it. I think I'll move on to my journal now...but first, another one of my favorites, from the Wanted soundtrack:

I believe I can see the future
As I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I’ve been told
I really don’t want them to come around

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I’m happy here
Sometimes...yet I still pretend
I can’t remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end...

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I’m hoping, someday, you might find
Well I’ll hide it behind something
They won’t look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could’ve been any other way
But I just don’t know...I don’t know what else I can do...

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

-Nine Inch Nails, Every Day Is Exactly the Same

Too Picky, or Just Refusing to Settle?

So after posting my profile and what I was interested in/looking for in a guy on an Internet dating site this past week**, I received the following response from a gentleman which surprisingly caught my interest and made for an intriguing conversation and blog topic:

"First off, this isn't an angry email, just an observation. I've read a lot of ads from women who are 'losing hope for the men in this area' that then proceed to outline a laundry list of exacting specifics for the man they seek. Its possible that narrowing your focus (please don't read: lowering standards) so much has basically created an imperfect adonis. I myself meet almost all of your criteria, and without sounding arrogant am a damn good 'catch'. However, not meeting all of the criteria would most likely rule me out of even the possibility of a date. The right person often comes in an unexpected form, and may have been passed over because of superfluous expectations. Like I said, this is not an angry email, its just an observation gleaned from reading many ads. I wish you luck in your search. "

My response to this stranger was as follows:

"Thanks for your e-mail...you do bring up a very good point. You're right, and I sometimes feel the same way when I read through men's ads who also have a list of what they want in a woman. However, there's a difference between having 'preferences' and having 'requirements', and I believe that in my ad, I said I PREFERRED such characteristics. It's just like a job advertisement-- they have a list of required knowledge, skills and abilities, and they have a list of desired knowledge, skills, and abilities. While the required KSAs will lead the hiring manager to throw the resume in the trash, the desired KSAs don't-- because they are only desired traits. A candidate will still have an equal chance if there is something else attractive about them to outweigh those traits they lack. That's just the way I see it..."

He later wrote back and said that I was right, and that he later wanted to take back his comment after realizing that I had only listed my "preferences." But to the point-- now while I broke down my response to suggest the differences between "requirements" and "preferences", I found it slightly disturbing for him to suggest that some of us hold our expectations too high, thus making it hard for those who don't meet those expectations to have a chance. He suggested that narrowing one's focus doesn't necessarily mean lowering one's standards; however, I would have to disagree, particularly when it comes down to the "requirements" we have. If we know what we want and what will make us happy, why should we accept any less? Okay true, there is no "perfect" person and we are going to have to compromise in some areas to compensate for others ("preferences"), but if I know I loathe a man that smokes cigarettes, why would I open myself up to dating someone who does? If I know that I prefer someone who is taller than me when I put on a pair of heels, why would I date someone who is the same height as me when I'm barefoot? LOL, okay, I know the latter example is petty, but you see where I'm going here. Point is, if there is something that is so very important to us in a future mate, why would we even waste our time dating someone who doesn't possess those traits? I hope I'm not contradicting myself here, but again, this is more in regards to the "requirements" we set as opposed to the "preferences" we can overlook.

I've had a few people tell me before that I set my expectations too high, but I would beg to differ-- I just know exactly what I want, what I don't want, and what I can put up with. Just like Gabrielle Union's character mentioned in the film "Daddy's Girls" (and the following statement is more geared toward African-American women), it's extremely hard these days for us professional, college-educated, well-spoken, put-together women to find a suitable man with similar and desirable traits who actually LOOK like her (in terms of race-- oops, is that another high expectation???). I told those people then just like I tell them now-- I will NOT lower my expectations, because I refuse to settle for anything less. I want what I feel I need to be happy (in all aspects-- physically, mentally, and emotionally), and even more importantly, what I feel I deserve.

Another thing I found interesting about his response is that he focused primarily on women, making it seem as though we are the only ones who set expectations for ourselves. Of course we know that is certainly not true, and if you ask me, I feel as though men set higher expectations. Without going into some of the disgusting dating ads that I've seen or opinions that I have heard, men are worse: our skin has to be a certain color, we have to be a certain weight, our hair has to be a certain length, we have to look like a certain model...the list goes on and on, and these are all completely shallow and mindless characteristics. Call it "preferences" if you want, but I'm sorry, there are several men who make these their "requirements." Why should we be the only ones expected to narrow our focus when all of the things that we look for are in fact completely valid things to ask for in a man?

I guess my ending question at this point is, why is it that opening ourselves up to anyone and anything is considered having "no/low standards", yet knowing exactly what we want and refusing to settle for less is considered setting "superfluous expectations"? Are those of us who have a defined list of expectations in fact too picky? Is that the reason why some of us haven't found the right person and constantly find ourselves unhappy? Is it really worth lowering our expectations just to provide ourselves with just a mere chance of meeting someone who makes will make us happy in the end?

**Yes, I do visit internet dating sites on occasion and have no shame doing so. Not only is it 2009 and the Internet is becoming the way of the world, but doing so provides you a way of connecting with people from all areas and races without having to conveniently run into them, as opposed to the usual bar and club scene where you tend to run into the same people who all know each other. Also, most people on dating sites are there looking for the same thing, so you already skip a bunch of the bull from the start. It's actually been quite entertaining seeing some of these responses...my best friend can concur...LOL**