Dealing with the Past: Love It, or Leave It Alone?

We hear it everywhere: "The past is the past..." In songs, famous quotes, and general advice, we are advised to leave the past exactly where it belongs--in the past. But is this the case for everything that's occured in the past, or is it situational? How far back should one relate one's past to one's future? In terms of failed friendships and/or relationships, is it ever safe to revisit the past, or are we merely setting ourselves up to get the same person, and thus the same result?

I've had quite a few run-ins with the past as of lately. I've been lectured and upbraided about my past behaviors and actions, I've had men in my life move on to rekindle flames with ex-girlfriends, and I've had ex-boyfriends attempt to rekindle flames with me. Each situation is different, and in each situation I've been given different, contradictory opinions about how to handle the past; this thus leads me to believe that there is no correct way to handle the past, and that the way each should handle it is simply situational.

I've been told that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior", thus making it completely acceptable for one to judge another based on their past. For example, all over the place, men and women make decisions on whether we want to pursue a friendship or a relationship with someone based off of what they've seen or been told that person has acted like or how they have treated others in their past friendships/relationships. However, by doing so, are we being smart, or are we simply cheating ourselves and that person of an opportunity to show who they are and to have their trust earned (see previous blog, The Power of Opinion)?

Everyone is capable of change-- they just have to want it enough to implement it within themselves. Those who have displayed unfavorable behaviors in the past, whether it be cheating, succombing to addictions (of
any kind), social backstabbing, or even committing a serious crime, all have the opportunity to change and turn themselves around when they are ready. So, by immediately writing this person off because of their past before you get a chance to know them yourself, you just may be ridding yourself of someone who could have positively changed your life.

I was having a conversation with a friend recently and we both agreed that no one should be judged based on anything that happened before they met the person who wishes to judge them. After all, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes at some point or another. The only thing that really matters is the experience that YOU have with them. So, with that being said, is it really fair to judge one based on their past mistakes or behaviors, even if they have made an honest attempt to change (whether successful or not)? Is it really ever possible to get past one's past?

Now on the other hand, when it comes to rekindling old flames, "the past" becomes a completely different story. I'm sure most of us have been in a situation where we let somebody go or been let go, only to be confronted with that person again in the future. You start to remember the good times you've had as well as the bad, but ultimately find yourself wondering if the "spark" is still there-- if there is ever a chance for you guys to get back together and this time around, make things work. But by digging back into the past, are we simply making a mistake? What makes us think things will be any different than they were last time around?

When it comes to relationships, men/women come and go. Some committed relationships end because of cheating (see blog Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater). Some physical relationships never quite become concrete, but continue to linger on and off until becoming completely burnt out. Some relationships just have individuals that choose to go their separate ways because of differing interests and goals. Whatever the reason, is it ever safe to start things back up again in the future once they have been left in the past? People grow and people change...but will the dynamics between those two individuals ever really change? I quoted singer Mya before in my January 2006 blog The Ex-Files: "There's no need to reminisce about the
past...obviously 'cause that shit did not last." But are some relationships worth a second chance? Is is possible that the person has actually learned from their mistake and is able to make things work the next time around?

Like a good friend of mine told me, "the past is the past for a reason..." So at what point (if any) is it appropriate to leave the past behind and move on? Or, does the past really predict our futures? As mentioned above, by discarding someone that first or second chance, you just may be ridding yourself of someone who could have positively changed your life. But on the contrary, by giving that person that chance, you could also be setting yourself up to get burned...possibly again. You can't move forward if you're constantly looking back, right? So which way do we go?

The Power of Opinion

I think it's amazing just how much opinions influence life. A movie critic's opinion can persuade one to either go see or avoid seeing a movie. A an author's opinion can lead one to live their life by the personal opinion that they read in that book. An individual's opinion can lead another to think of something or even someone in either a negative or positive way, thus completely distorting the mindset of another and causing them to judge before they experience on their own. It's the latter type of opinion that I choose to focus on tonight-- the power of an individual's opinion over another in terms of getting to know a third party.

We've all been told never to judge a book by its cover. I've had people tell me things about the men and women in my life that were unfavorable, but never once did I let that person's opinion destroy my view of that person. Why? Because I believed it was unfair to the person being talked about for me to judge them based off of what someone else told me as opposed to me getting to know them myself and finding out on my own. I figure that a person's opinion should be an explanation of one person's personal experience, but not necessarily the basis for a second person's future actions. If I ended up getting burned like I was told, then hey, lesson learned. But I still felt good in my heart that I did not let someone else's negative opinion persuade me to write that person off before I got to know them myself. After all, you never know what each person in your life is put there for.

Similarly, I've had others say negative things about me that have caused people to look at me differently, say or call me dirty things, and even be so bad as to avoid me all together in terms of developing both friendships and relationships. And why do they choose to avoid getting to know me themselves? Yup, you've got it-- because they are too afraid of what another person's opinion will become of them. I sometimes find it humorous, especially when a particular person's opinion is in all actuality a blatant LIE, but yet they still somehow managed to have the power over another person's mindset and views, completely cheating someone of the opportunity to show their own personality and true colors, and cheating the other person of the opportunity to get to know what could possibly be a great person who could change their lives.

All over the place you have people giving you their two cents or "giving advice" as many like to call it, and then following it up with, "...but that's just my opinion." At the end of the day, everyone has their opinion about something...but as individuals who are only trying to make the best choices for themselves in life, how do we decide which opinions are important versus those that are unimportant? How do we distinguish one's opinion being just that-- an innocent opinion, versus one that's just someone "hating"? How can we really validate anyone's opinion if we have not taken the time to go through the experience on our own? Why is it that other people's opinions and what they think so damn important to us? Is it impossible to pursue one's own happiness without considering the input of another?