Get it together... (freewrite)

I can't count the number of times that I've been excited to see him. In fact, there hasn't been one time where I haven't been excited to see him. However nowadays, that excitement never fails to be replaced with disappointment by the time the visit is over. What's happening? Why do I find myself always walking out on him, angry? Why do I find myself driving away upset? Upset with him, and upset with myself for dealing with him? Why do I constantly find myself giving in on my vow to myself to leave him alone until he learns to appreciate what he has from me? I find myself becoming emotionally weak. That womanly strength I had when I first met him--the strength that gave me the ability to live without him, to focus on me and only me before even thinking of putting him in my schedule...is now gone. What has happened to me?

I knew things were starting to go wrong when I shed my first tear from him. That one tear was an indication that my heart was all his, giving him the ability to play with it and treat it however he wanted. Now every frustration I have with him causes pain to my heart--a pain that I don't quite know how to overcome. I try to do things for him to make him happy and to make him realize that I'm here and I'm open...but nothing seems to change. I feel like I got more out of him when I didn't give a damn about him...before I opened up my heart to him. Damn...maybe that's where I made my mistake.

Every moment sparks a certain frustration, and it seems to go round and round in circles, never being solved. Instead it digs a deeper hole and continues to make me more unhappy. Whenever I think that I can be the woman I used to be and move on, I fail. He knows he has me--every time I walk out, it only takes one word from him after I'm gone to make me miss him and send me running back. At the end of the day, I still find myself frustrated and stuck in that same hole.

I often wonder what it is that I see in him. When I first met him, I couldn't stand him, and that was for a reason--he was entirely too stuck on himself and only seemed interested in getting physical with me instead of getting to know me. He was too concerned with his image and how I may make him look bad instead of how I may make him look better. He didn't try to show me off to his boys as if I were the most beautiful woman in his life at that moment (like most men do on a first date), but instead acted as if I were just an accessory to him. I don't know what made me fall for him in the end, because deep down, he hasn't changed. To this day, he still doesn't want anyone to know that he's dealing with me. His excuse is, "we're not in a relationship", but even if we're not, does that mean that he has to refrain from showing the world he's proud to have someone like me around, like I do with him? Ooops...sorry. I guess he's not. I told myself that I would no longer settle for anything less than I deserved, and he provides me with none of that. I deserve everything more than what he gives me:

For starters, we're not in a relationship yet. I understand things take time and can't be rushed, but what hurts the most is that he doesn't even want to think about progressing things in the future. How can we progress toward something he doesn't even think to work on?

He never compliments me or tells me I'm beautiful--the things that every woman needs to hear to put a smile on her face here and there...it makes me wonder what he ever saw in me in the first place, or if he ever saw anything at all. It also makes me wonder if I've become less attractive to him over time. I should be feeling confident when I'm with him, but every day I start to feel less of that. He hardly kisses me, or for that matter, touches me...unless he wants "that thing".

He never appreciates anything I do for him. For example, it always makes my day to provide him with something to eat when he's hungry, or when I'm out getting something for myself. But in the end, I always have to remind him to say thank you, or to show that what I've done means something to him.

He never seems happy to be around me anymore. He'll allow me to come over, but he doesn't want to hold conversations with me. The television, his Treo, and his computer get more attention than I do. When I try to start a conversation, there's always something wrong with something I say or do, thus leaving me to sit in silence, because I'm afraid of what his reaction will be next. He never seems to notice me until I get mad and threaten to walk out the door--then all of a sudden he wants to act right and will try to get me to stay.

He's so beautiful--by far the best looking guy I've had the pleasure of dealing with...or is it really pleasure? The fact that I'm scared to lose him to someone else demonstrates my lack in self-confidence to keep him around. Sadly, at the same time, he does nothing to increase my self-confidence to let me know that he's mine and won't be going anywhere. Therefore, my fear of losing him increases and I do more to keep him around. Unfortunately, he may be staying for the wrong reasons and I'm gaining nothing from it. Instead, the pieces of me are slowly falling apart.

While I shouldn't think of everything as my fault, things have gotten to the point where I do blame it all on me. I've given up on myself and have put everything into him. I continuously allow him to get into my head with the "I'm sorry's" and the "I'm going to try and treat people better" and the "I miss you's", when he really doesn't give a damn and when he's never going to change. I constantly do things for him, and he's taking full advantage of that. I'm convinced that's the only reason he keeps me around. I have to learn to be stronger--when I say I'm leaving, I need to mean it. When I say that I'm no longer going to do anything for him, then I need to STOP doing things for him, whether he's hungry, broke, or lonely. His ways and my actions in response to his ways are making me feel less of a woman...less of the beautiful human being I know that I am. But why does it have to be so hard?

I don't know what to do anymore. My anger is getting the best of me, and I often find myself saying things to him that I don't want to say or that I don't really mean. How else can I prevent myself from feeling like shit every single time I'm around him? I'm not used to feeling worthless or unimportant around a man who calls himself "interested" in me. I'm used to feeling a sense of warmth and happiness...a sense of loving and caring. I'm used to the sweet kisses and thoughtful words to make me feel good on the inside and out. With him, I get none of that. Instead, I get a feeling of coldness...of not being good enough. I give him compliments and do nice things for him all the time, in hopes that he will return the same to me, but it's a failed attempt every time. Not only do I have no idea what to do, but I've run out of things to say. I know I need to let go, but how? How do I just say goodbye to someone that's already embedded themselves in my mind and heart?

I care about him a lot and it pains me to even think of letting him go and cutting him off. But I know that sometimes that's what you have to do--let them go. If he comes back, it was meant to be. If he doesn't, it was not meant to be. I definitely need to let him go and see if he comes back the man that he needs to be if he wants to be with me. I've got to stand up for myself and start loving myself more, before I expect him to be with or "love" me. A quote in one of my favorite songs by Mya: "You're not a man if I gotta tell you how to treat me...and I'm not a woman if I don't stand up for what I believe in..."

I'm so tired. Tired of trying to make myself happy all while trying to find the right one for me--the one that will treat me just as nicely as I treat him...the one where that special feeling will be there on both sides, and at equal levels. Will I ever get it right? Damn. I gotta get it together...

Forgive and Forget?

Once again, this is more geared toward the ladies (gotta hold it down for us), but some men may be able to relate to it to. While normally I would think of Tyra Banks' new talk show as one of the worst ideas ever allowed on television, the show really caught my attention the other day when she brought up a subject that I could really relate to: FRIENDS--how some of them betray and belittle you, and how you forgive them and overcome those things. The things she discussed really hit close to home for me. She discussed three types of friends: Toppers (those that always have to be one step ahead of you), Samers (those that consider themselves equal to you--a true friend), and Downers (those who always bring out the negative), all of which I have or have had in my life (but that's an entirely different story--might have to save that one for another post). She also discussed betrayal, and how friends will go behind your back and sleep with your boyfriend, etc. However, the best part was when she said to the audience, "Ladies, how come when a man does us wrong, we are quick to forgive him and give him chance after chance, but whenever a friend does us wrong, we don't want to forgive them or ever talk to them again?"

That last line really made me think and realize how much it was true; not only for me, but for most women. The men we allow in our lives can do us wrong every day, but we're still quick to accept their apology and try again--even though they are the ones that come and go. However, the friends in our lives, most of whom have been there for some time, are quick to get cut off (or "poofed" as Tyra termed it) the minute they do something to betray us. Is this right? Should we give our friends another chance if they mess up? I've forgiven some of the friends in my life for doing me wrong just as much as I've cut them off completely for doing me wrong. As mentioned before in a previous post, I've had friends go behind my back and try to get at the same guy that I'm involved with...I've had friends use me for everything I've got...I've had friends say the nastiest things about me behind my back. But what determines whether they're forgivable or not? How can you really "forget" something a friend has done to hurt you...is it even possible to be fixed? At what point can we say that enough is enough, and goodbye?

I've realized that while I would always eventually forgive friends in the past for the mistakes they've made, nowadays it's not so easy to. Why? Because I've had enough. It seems as if the more you forgive someone, the easier it becomes for them to mess up in the future, since they know you'll "get over it" anyway. I'm now accustomed to cutting people off for good once they mess up, and because of it, I find myself with a very small group of female friends...and I mean VERY small. I mean, what's the point of keeping someone around that is constantly out to bring you down? What is a friend that can't be trusted?

I'm in a dilemma now with this girl I met a few years ago that I no longer speak to. Before I befriended her, I had heard that she was the shady type, but I decided to look past that since I don't judge someone up front--I like to find out on my own. We had our ups and downs like all friends do, said some things about each other that weren't too nice at one point or another (like ALL friends do...let's keep it real), but there was one time where I found out that she said something about me that really didn't sit so well with me. I gave her the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. Being that I couldn't reveal my sources, I couldn't really say much to her about it. But I got over it--I forgave her and we became cool again. However, a few months ago, I found her to be talking about me again, but this time it was to the point where the things she said literally made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't even stand to think of her anymore after that without rage boiling up in me. The fact that she could say such things about me (which she had no place in hell to say) and then try to come right back and act like she was my friend is what hurt the most. I sent her a friendly e-mail telling her that our ties were cut, and that I never wanted to speak to her again (I know, its sad, but confronting her personally would have been too much--I would have FLIPPED). That was back in August, and we haven't spoken since then. There have been times where it's run across my mind to speak to her, talk things out, and try to start anew, but that's exactly when I start thinking about the things she said, and it makes me sick again. It doesn't help that we work in the same building and I have to see her here and there. I think to myself, how can I forgive her and forget the hurtful things she said without being on guard in the future? What makes me think she won't go back and do the same shit again? Is it really worth trying to start a new friendship, or am I just setting myself up once more?

I'll be honest--I've done some dirty things to those I've considered my friends in the past, and lucky for me, me and those friends were able to solve those problems and now we're closer than ever. The hardest part is putting the shoe on the other foot--if you were to betray one of your friends in a way that really hurt them, would you want them to accept your apology and take you back, or would you rather them continue to not speak and eventually cut all ties off with you? I don't know too many women who would rather have that friend not talk to them, so maybe we should attempt to turn things around and give them another chance. After all, we all make mistakes...it's a part of life. But is it really worth it? Is forgiving and forgetting just an invitation to be walked over again in the future?

Patience is a Virtue...Or is it?

Yes, I've come back for a second post in the same day. I have a lot on my mind...

This time around, I want to talk about being patient. No, not being patient while waiting in line at the store or waiting for something to arrive in the mail, but patient in terms of getting what you want out of a relationship. It really comes down to this: What's in a title? Is it really important? What makes some of us so stuck on having a title, when we can get what we want without a title?

This isn't only an issue among those that have been dating/messing around for a short period of time; I've also seen it with couples who have been dating for years. My "aunt" and uncle have been together for well over 20 years and have had five kids, but they still aren't married. Is that just the way society is these days, or is there something more there? Maybe its a fear of commitment. Maybe it's just the fact that there's no point of the "title" because everything to be gained from a real relationship has already been acheived.

Unfortunately, like many of my previous topics, this is more of an issue to women as it is to men. We're the ones looking for that love, that special someone to call "our own", the title, the right to say that he is all ours. Men on the other hand, are completely content without the title most of the time. In fact, to them, that's all it is: A TITLE (by the way, what makes the difference between a "title" and a true relationship?). Because of these differences, women are willing to give, give, give, and men are willing to take, take, take. While we're giving all that we can in hopes that they will see that we care about them and will make a good girlfriend, they're busy enjoying it all, soaking it all in, and taking everything they can, while they can. In the end, the giver usually ends up without, because she's depleted all of her goods and he has them all--and there is still no relationship. It makes sense--why buy the milk if you can have the cow (I think I said that right)? In other words, why bother getting into a relationship if you're already getting everything you want, without the hassle of a relationship and the commitment that comes with it?

It gets frustrating for us women because after a certain point, it becomes hard to stop. You've already caught feelings and have given him your all, and you refuse to stop at that. He's GOING to learn to want to be with us, right? While I'm sure that answer is wrong, my question to all of the guys are, what's the point of sticking around if you don't want to be with us? Why continue to play games and lead us on, when you know that we're both looking for the opposite result in the future? And for those of you that claim you really DO want a relationship in the near future, why all the excuses as to why we can't have it now? What's really the difference between what we do now, and what we'll be doing in the future? There are FAR too many of us women willing to wait around for men weren't even thinking about giving us what we ultimately wanted in the first place.

They say patience is a virtue, but is it really a virtue when it comes to matters of the heart? Do the best things really come to those that wait--wait on another to provide us with what they only think of as a "title"?

Family Ties

We've all heard it before when it comes to men--the way they treat their mother is the way they will treat every other woman in their life. The way they were raised is the way that they will live and raise their offspring...or is it? At what point can we tell the difference between the way a man was raised and a man's true personality? Can we really blame the ugly part of a man's ways on his past?

For example, I know this guy that hasn't exactly had a good relationship with his mother while growing up. In fact, they still don't have the greatest relationship. You would never think that they were mother/son. No family love shows between them, and the communication level between them is horrid--there is hardly any respect. Wait, let me take that back--there is NO respect. She doesn't act like a mother at all, doing all the motherly things that most of us are used to, and he clearly doesn't know his place as a son. Because of this, the way this guy talks to and treats the women he's dating in his life is enough to make anyone question where his home training is. He is unappreciative of anything his women do for him, talks down to them like he's talking to a child, turns simple favor requests into demands, feels that the world revolves around him and that the woman and her feelings are irrelevant, and has unreal expectations to include dropping everything to learn how to cook for him, acting a certain way, looking a certain way, and keeping her mouth shut when it comes to speaking her mind.

Now any woman in her right mind would leave this man and kick him to the curb--there is no way she is going to sit there and let a man disrespect her like that. But this is where the question "Is it really his fault?" comes in. Can we really blame him for his rude ways when he was never brought up to exercise that respect? Is it his fault that no one ever taught him how to treat a woman, talk to her, or respect her feelings? Is it his fault that his own mother lets him talk to her any way he wants, thus teaching him that it is OKAY to talk down on women and disregard anything she does or says?

This guy I know is a smart guy. He has done everything he could to turn around the errors his family has made in raising him and to make a difference in his own life. He has made many accomplishments on his own, without the help of his family. If he was so motivated to do those things right, why isn't he motivated to change his ways when it comes to women? Is it because he simply doesn't know, or because he simply doesn't care?

In the end I ask, when it comes to a man like that, what should the women in his life who care about him do? Should they attempt to take on the motherly role in their life and stay around, trying to correct his mistakes in the way he talks to and treat them? Or should they leave him alone and let him constantly push away other women until he realizes what he's doing wrong and should change? Are women setting themselves up to be walked all over by sticking around, or are they giving up on him by disregarding what his past has embedded into him?