PRETTY women, or PETTY women?

Okay, this post isn't so much of a blame game, but rather a discussion--a discussion about women and FOR women to think about (primarily us African-American women, who are the main ones who start and deal with this crap). I'm not going to play the hypocritical role and say that I've only been a victim of what I'm about to discuss, because I know that I'm guilty of some of the same actions. My main question in what I'm about to discuss is WHY?

I've had plenty of female "friends" in my past whom never ended up lasting because of petty situations: either they always feel the need to compete with me, I don't feel good enough for them, they feel the need to take the information I've confided in them about and use it against me, they talk about me behind my back, they're sneaky and shady, etc. In fact, I can't say I know too many women in my life that weren't like this, whether they were close to me or not. It's become the reason that I tend to distance myself from other women. I don't let myself become too close to them anymore, and the end result is I don't have that many female friends. I always tell myself that I need a teammate, not a competitor, and almost every female in my life has turned on me one way or another, because they think I'm out to get them or because they have problems within themselves that they need to solve, and in turn they take it out on other people. Like Lil' Kim says in her song Heavenly Father: "They say the closest ones to ya, be the ones that sneak up behind ya and stick the knife through ya...that's why now I keep my friends to a minimum...check for the ones wit the venom on they tongue..." I know too many women agree with me on that one--it's hard to find a good female friend these days...almost harder than finding a good man.

Sometimes I feel like I've been through it all: I've had those "friends" who can't seem to decide whether they want to be friends with me or not...one day we're cool, and another day they're mad at me for some reason unknown to the world. I've had those "friends" who are only around when convenient and want to use me for all that I've got. I've had those friends who act like they're my best friend and that they're there for me when needed, taking all of my business and information in, only to turn around and use it against me later (with the addition of their own creation of LIES about me) when they feel that the "competition" is too heavy. I've had those "friends" who think the whole friendship in itself is a competition, constantly trying to prove to be one step ahead of every accomplishment I make, or that much better than everything I say or do. Looking back at all of those people (which I have ultimately had to cut from my life), I ask myself, what gave these people the right to even be considered my "friend" in the first place?

These kind of things don't only happen with "friends", but with women in general. We're all guilty of it--going into the club looking our best, and then looking every other woman that walks in the door up and down, picking apart her outfit and judging her based on what she's wearing, what she looks like, or who she's talking to. We're all guilty of talking bad about someone behind someone else's back (friend or not) for one reason or another. We're all guilty of calling another woman a "hoe" or a "slut" or a "bitch" when we don't even know them at all--we only know as much as we've heard from someone else. It's really sad, and it's neverending. No matter how much we try to better ourselves and stop ourselves from those actions, there's so much of it around us that it's almost impossible for us to not be infleunced. There is always that one person who refuses to stop the hating! Again, I'm not an angel--I'm guilty of saying dirty things about other women too, but I've made it a point to try and stop it all. It's sooo hard, but it has to start somewhere. I don't remember where I've heard it before, but one woman said it perfectly: What's the use of hating when we're all beautiful women? We should instead be complimenting each other on how good we all look and how great our accomplishments are in life.

So in the end, I ask, why do these things happen? Why do us women let it continue to happen when we're doing nothing but hurting ourselves and others? Why can't we learn to grow up and handle things like mature people, learn to get along with one another, and see each individual women (including ourselves) as beautiful and blessed, without stepping all over others to acheive that vision? Why can't we all just get along?

Empty

Yeah, it's been a little while since I've written, but things have been kind of busy. My life consists of working, going to the gym, spending time with my ladies, and spending time with the wonderful new man in my life...well, at least I think he's wonderful. Who's to say what the future will bring?

Every moment I spend with this guy (we'll call him "Sam" for now) usually makes me so happy. I feel like being in his arms is where I'm supposed to be. Every kiss creates so much warmth in my body...it just feels so right. We're not exclusive as of now, but it is definitely my ultimate goal to be with him on a permanent level.

Last night things took an emotional turn for me, causing me to shed my first tear over him. That warmth I usually felt when with him wasn't there. We had a couple of altercations...one of which had him walking out on me, and the other with me walking out on him. Everything he said to me seemed so cold--where his sarcasm usually made me laugh, last night it upset me. The feeling that felt so right before had me thinking, "Maybe this isn't what I want..." Sam and I have only been involved for about a month. Maybe I was being too sensitive--I know that couples have their up's and down's, especially when they're in the stage where they're getting to know each other and all the flaws that they bring with them. I ask myself, "Am I wrong for losing hope so quickly?"

I think sometimes that my past has a permanent effect on the relationships I hold in the future. Every guy that I've really cared about or opened up to has ended up taking advantage of those feelings, using my kindness for weakness, and ended up hurting me in the end. Those few that did really care about me, I ended up brushing off somehow because I was scared--scared that in the end, I was still going to get screwed over like I had with the previous ones. With Sam, our one bad night (which probably wasn't as bad as I perceived it to be) immediately had me thinking, "He doesn't care about me...I should walk away now". At that point I started comparing him to my ex and how he doesn't nearly provide as much affection and emotional support that I'd like him to at times. Maybe I had made the wrong move by moving on too soon.

As I sit back and listen to the things that people tell me about myself, I realize that maybe I'm expecting too much by feeling that every man has to kiss my ass and spoil me to show that he really cares about me. I often find myself getting upset or depressed when the level of affection Sam expresses doesn't coincide with the level of affection that I expect to receive, or when he isn't happy doing the things that make me happy. Maybe I'm the one that is in the wrong and that has problems within myself that needs to be solved. Maybe I really need to learn to care about and love myself before expecting someone else to.

I'm slowly beginning to open up my heart and express my feelings for Sam, but a part of me wants to hold that back because I'm afraid he won't feel the same. I want to be able to fully open up to him, and have him do the same for me. I want him to be able to constantly tell me things to make me smile, keep me happy, hold me when I'm feeling down and tell me things will be okay, and fill that empty space in my heart that hasn't been completely filled yet. I know that its a two-way street and that I have to be willing to do the same for him, which is not a doubt--I know I can provide all of that. My downfall is the fact that I provide it a little too quickly...the result is, I put in much more than they do for me...and then fall hard.

In the end, I don't want to hold everything in and shield my feelings from him in an attempt to save whatever destruction doing so can cause in the end, but at the same time, I don't want opening up too much to be the reason that I lose him. I also don't want my high expectations for a man to be the reason that I lose him--or even let him go. Should I continue to fully express my feelings for him? Should I hold back a little until he opens up to me? Am I expecting too much from him--expecting too much just to gain some affection and fill a void in my life that maybe only myself can fill?

What's Love Got to do With It?

Love. A word, an emotion, a feeling. A word so important, so serious, but yet treated so carelessly. What is love? What makes one person love another? What's the difference between loving someone and being in love? There are many different answers to each of the above questions, because every person has their own view of what they think love is. However, either way, it is not something to be played with, so why do people use the word as a way to express how they feel about another if they don't mean it? Why is it so easy to say you love someone, but so hard to figure out what love really is?

As I look back on previous relationships with men in my life, I've noticed that the word "love" has been used several times, yet none of those relationships have worked out. It's made me think about whether there really was any "love" there in the first place--whether I really loved them, or if they really loved me. Two of my ex-boyfriends have even gone so far as to say that they were "in love" with me, and wanted me to be their wife. One of them even proposed (and yes I still have the ring)! But if we really loved each other like we claimed to back then, why aren't we together now?

Recently I've had a couple of men in my life that hadn't known me more than a month, but had felt the need to say things that really made me question their motives, and how they really felt about me. One guy said that he cared about me a lot, wanted to be with me, and was willing to wait for me, even if I was currently trying to work out a relationship with someone else. It kind of pushed me away because I had only been out on a date with this guy once--all other times we just happened to be at the same happy hour. Another guy that I was dating for no more than three weeks randomly asked me if I loved him, and then said that he loved me. I'm thinking to myself, whoa...you don't even know me to that extent yet...how can you even associate "love" with me at all? I'm used to witnessing those things coming from us women...saying that they really care about a guy or even "love" them when they hardly know anything about them, but for a man to say that to me seems completely shady. I don't know...maybe I'm being insensitive about it all. Maybe those guys really did (or do) care, but is it really possible to feel so strongly about someone so soon?

Sex is another issue that affects the whole "love" subject, but it's more so an issue with women. Why is it that after we become involved in a sexual relationship with someone, we become so attached? This emotional and physical attachment can be dangerous, as it can cause women to think we care about a man more than anything else in the world and feel that we are "in love" with them. What is all that about? I've heard and read about a chemical in a woman's body that causes this attachment, but damn...is it this same chemical that makes us think we love them? Or maybe it really is love. But once again, if that were the case, then why aren't we with them now? Wouldn't it make sense to only love someone that loves you back?

Love is something that causes so many thoughts to run through my head, because it's such an easy word to say, but when you really think about it, it's a difficult word to explain and analyze. Yes, I know this entry was back and forth and had no real direction, but isn't that what the definition of love is like, with no single meaning or designated direction or path that shows where it's going to end up? Yup...sounds about right.

Enough is enough...

This one is for the ladies to relate to, but for the fellas to help me understand. Ladies, have you ever had one of those guys in your life that act like they are numb to any kind of feelings or possibilities of a relationship, but will constantly try to communicate with you and spend time with you...and then when you get into an argument or a disagreement, THEY tell YOU to never speak to them again, but yet THEY are always the first ones to run back? What's up with that? What's the point of playing the hard role, if all you're going to do is soften up and come running back anyway? I've had a couple situations of the sort, and I must say that it doesn't make sense to me. If you're not going to be of some worth to my life, then please move on. You've made it clear that you're not interested in me in a relationship basis, so why waste my time?

For example, there was this one guy that I had been dealing with on and off for some time. It was clear that him and I did NOT get along and would never have a future. Notice the words, "on and off". Obviously, we'd stop talking for awhile, but then go back to where we were. Was this my fault? Maybe it was for giving in, but it was him who would always call me first after telling me that we were done. In fact, it happened recently--I was convinced we were done this time, but once again, he contacted me first. Luckily this time around (finally) I said, "fuck it"...I'm not dealing with him anymore because ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Find someone else's time to play with.

It's always worse when you have feelings for that person because every time they leave, your heart is broken and you feel like your world is ending, but when they come back, you breathe a sigh of relief in hopes that you have one more chance to make things right. But now? Uh-uh...I think it's a fucking game. Whenever a guy wants to play those games with me, I treat it exactly as that: a GAME. I sit back and laugh and how much they're losing that game by coming back to me first...by giving in and calling after they've said they never want to speak to me again. I love it!

True, true, I know what the guys are thinking...that you only do it because you just think of us as a "booty call" or something of the sort. But is it really worth your time and effort to waste someone else's time when you could both be going your separate ways and finding someone that you really care about, or someone that really cares about you? Someone that you'll actually STAY with, and not keep going back and forth with? Or maybe it's because you really are feeling that girl but just don't want to admit that you've let your guard down--so you tell her to fuck off, knowing damn well that you want her to stay. I don't know...help me understand because ummm...all things must come to an end, especially if it wasn't going anywhere to begin with.

A New Beginning

First off, I want to thank a friend of mine, Mr. FBI (www.frozenbeyondice.com/blog), for giving me the motivation to start writing again. The thoughts and opinions shared in his blog has really inspired me to start one of my own. Now it's my turn to spit out some controversial topics, share my experiences, and get some feedback. I just hope my readers feel inclined to participate.

I titled this "A New Beginning" not only because it represents me and the journey I'm currently taking in life, but because I wanted to discuss what it means, what it entails, and how it affects a person's relationship with themselves and others. When a person says that they are "starting over" or are creating a "new beginning" for themselves, what exactly do they mean by that? Does it mean that they are completely forgetting their past as if it never happened? Does it mean that they are attempting to go back and fix the events of their past? Or does it merely mean that they are creating a false cover for themselves for the time being, only to return to their ways in the future? There are many ways that you can take this subject--you can relate it to drugs and alcohol, relationships, or even your education. But I want to discuss "starting over" in terms of one of the most controversial topics to both men and women: SEX.

Now I've decided to speak on this topic because it happens to be something that I'm going through right now. Now I am woman enough to admit that I have made mistakes in my past, most of which I regret and wish I could take back. Back then, I didn't care--I was living my life and told myself I was young, single, and should be free to do whatever I wanted. I had people tell me here and there to change because it was going to affect me in the future, but of course I didn't listen...I was too wrapped up in the lifestyle of being free from commitment. Since those days, I have matured and mentally grown, and am ready settle down with one person (in fact, I was then, but the ones I was interested in didn't want that, so I had no choice). I was lucky at first--right out of college, I was blessed with a guy who was willing to have a relationship with me, despite my past. He agreed that he could not hold that against me, especially when he had done some dirt in his past as well. Him and I didn't work out, and unfortunately, not every guy is like him, willing to put the past behind them, where it should be. Some guys take what you've done in the past very seriously, because it can directly affect how you act in the future.

So there's this guy I'm talking to right now that I'm very much into, and who says he's really into me. In fact, I wouldn't mind taking things one step further and pursing a relationship with him sometime in the near future. I knew it wasn't going to be easy from Day One when he asked me about my sexual past and began to express his feelings on "experienced" women. I let him know my opinion--that it really shouldn't matter if the person is aware of their mistakes and is actively trying to change themselves and erase their old lifestyle. But to him, it's hard to believe that mistakes like that can be forgotten and that your past ways can be changed. I continue to be honest with him about everything he asks, in hopes that he sees that my willingness to be open with him about my past is an indication that I'm willing to put it out there and change it. At the same time, he's open with me about his past (which is faaaar wilder than mine...wow), but yet I disregard it...it doesn't matter to me, because I'm focused on the future with him, not the past with people who obviously mean nothing to me. Shouldn't he be the same way? Yes, there's the double standard issue (the silent killer), but is that really fair? It hurts the most knowing that past mistakes could prevent me from being with a certain someone and affect my future...all for something that can't be taken back. It bothers me to know that people who judge others based on something that happened in the past can be passing up the love of their life because they're so focused on that past.

I guess my main questions are, is it really possible for me to change myself and "my ways" (as he calls it), and be able to settle with one person? If that's the case, why was it so hard for me in the past to realize the damage I was doing to my future and stop it all then? Should he really take my past into consideration when discussing a future for him and I? Does his past matter at all? Of course I already have my own answers and beliefs when it comes to those questions, but I want to know what everyone else thinks. Is a "new beginning" really possible when it comes to sex and relationships?